WASHINGTON, DC — President Obama today decided to rescind his new motto, “Don’t do stupid stuff,” and instead decided to go with something a little more forthcoming. “Don’t be a dick,” is the President’s new motto, which he says, is “more applicable” than “don’t do stupid stuff.”
“I thought saying, ‘don’t do stupid stuff,’ would get my point across, but I realized that there was a whole community of people that can’t tell what is and isn’t stupid. Therefore I believe my new ‘don’t be a dick’ motto will be able to reach people across all creeds, classes and cultures,” said President Obama.
The President said that “Don’t be a dick” will be applicable to foreign policy concerns, economic recovery, as well as party goers who take their pants off after three beers.
“If you had a problem with us bringing back Americans with the Ebola virus for treatment, don’t be a dick about it. If it was you, you’d be begging to come home. Hey people bashing my approach on foreign policy, I’m dealing with Ukraine and Russia, all while trying to put out that dumpster fire in the Middle East. Don’t be dicks. Hey guy who just took four shots of Fireball at the bar who’s now leaning on me because he can’t stand on his own two feet. Don’t be a dick. Pull yourself together.”
Michelle Obama has also noticed a change in the President’s behavior around the house.
“One day I saw him eating some Oreo cookies, and I mean really chowing down. Not just three or four, but upwards of 40. So I told him that maybe he should slow down, especially if I’m trying to promote a healthier America. He looked at me and said, ‘Michelle, my approval rating is as low as it’s ever been, the House is literally trying to sue me, and to top it off, Sasha and Malia’s dog pooped in my shoe. Don’t be a dick, and let me eat my Oreos.’
“We’re definitely going to need to have a family meeting soon.”