POUGHKEEPSIE, NY — Michael Graham began today by calling his wife and asking for a divorce. While she searched for words to respond to her husband, Graham shouted, “August Fools’!” and hang up the phone. Since then, Graham has been a tirade of unwarranted pranks, clearly getting August mixed up with April.
“I tried to call him back and tell him August Fools’ isn’t a thing,” said Graham’s wife, Lorie. “But he didn’t pick up.”
Graham then when after his kids. He told his daughter she needed to lose weight, and told his son that his pet turtle ran away.
“I got them good,” said Graham, while both of his children were in tears.
After arriving at work, he ran into coworker, Bill Davis, and told him, “Hey Bill! I’ve been sleeping with your wife! Ha Ha, August Fools’!”
Bill said he didn’t know if Graham was joking, or if it was some sort of twisted way to tell him about the affair.
Graham then marched into his bosses office, and told him he’d been embezzling money for years, and the company was about to face a major lawsuit. He then left the room briefly before returning and shouting, “August Fools’!”
Graham’s day mellowed until around 1:00 pm, when he opened a window and stood on a ledge outside his four-story office. He began shouting that he was going to jump, and that his life was empty and meaningless. The fire department and the police were called, as well as a local news station. After being talked down, Graham popped his head out of the window and shouted, “August Fools’!” while grinning like an idiot.
Soon after responders left, Graham’s wife finally got a hold of him to explain that August Fools’, unlike April Fools’, was not a real thing. Embarrassed, Graham reflected on all that he had done today.
While his behavior would only be slightly less appalling on April Fools’ Day, it’s safe to say that Michael Graham burned a few bridges.