Week seven is in the books folks, and oh what a week it was. Hometown dates always offer a great amount of content that is just generally ridiculous — albeit apparently not as ridiculous as what happens in the fantasy suite next week (wink, wink). Yes, Nick, Chris, Josh, and Marcus all got to show off Andi to their mothers and fathers and, in Nick’s case, his sister, sister, brother, sister, brother, brother, sister, sis…I’m exhausted already, let’s get to it.
Nick’s hometown date with Andi was first on the docket, and he got to show her all that Milwaukee has to offer — spoiler alert: it’s not an active culture. Nick’s day-date with Andi was seemingly pretty bland. He took Andi to a brewery and they drank beer and danced to polka, which resulted in Andi’s first De Niro face of the episode.
After drinking and dancing, Nick took Andi to meet his family, and boy, do Nick’s mom and dad love to procreate. Nick has ten siblings, which isn’t overwhelming at all. In fact it was so not overwhelming, that Andi totally didn’t whip out her De Niro face for almost the entire dinner. At one point during the date, Nick’s younger sister, Bella, took Andi aside to ask her a few questions about her and Nick. After a few mundane questions, Bella dropped a bomb on Andi, asking if she loved her brother. Andi replied that she thought Nick was amazing, and generally dodged the question. But what happened next was nothing short of a Usual Suspect’s plot twist: Bella was a spy for Nick all along, and not only was she playing espionage with Andi, but she is also the worst spy ever. Bella couldn’t remember the answers to any of the questions she asked, and she also led Nick astray by telling him that Andi said she loved him, only to take the rug out from under him by saying that Andi actually said she just “liked” him. All of this leads me to believe that Bella is not just a spy, but in fact, a double agent. Well played Bella, you’re a regular spook.
Chris’s hometown date was next on the docket and it took Andi to Arlington, Iowa, which generally looks like you’re driving on i-70 west. Chris showed Andi his home, and gave her a speech almost straight from the Lion King, saying something along the lines of “Everything the light touches is mine.” Chris then did what any responsible farmer would do, and took Andi out on his big green tractor. Andi seemed excited, and I wish Chris had said something along the lines of, “that’s great because we have to do this for the next 4-6 hours,” but he didn’t. Instead, Chris had Andi hop on his lap and let her drive.
After their tractor ride, Chris and Andi had a picnic in the freshly plowed field, which I’m sure was great for Andi’s already atrocious allergies. Chris then told Andi about all the opportunity (singular) there is in Arlington, when he said, “There’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” Oh wow Chris, a homemaker? Where do I sign up for that? Are there recruiters for this heavily sought after profession? Needless to say Andi did not look pleased. Andi also dropped the bomb on Chris that she’s not just a city girl, saying, “I was born in the city, but I moved to the suburbs.” Well slap a pair of overalls on that girl, and give her a fiddle, we got ourselves a suburbs girl!
Chris’s family was easily the best of the bunch. His sisters seemed to genuinely care about him, and his mom seemingly had 4-5 glasses of wine, and got a little goofy. They ended the night with the traditional game of “Ghost in The Graveyard,” and I have no idea how anyone found Chris and Andi with all of those cameras following them around, but low and behold, they did.
Josh’s date was in Tampa, Florida, where he took Andi to play two person baseball. Which is kind of like watching one person play ping pong, or probably how a dog feels whenever it plays fetch.
Aaron Murray makes his Bachelorette debut
Josh’s date seemed to revolve around 5th round draft pick, Aaron Murray (Josh’s brother) and why the hell should it not? Andi however was worried that the family wouldn’t show the proper amount of excitement toward Josh on his big day. I mean sure making it to the NFL is an incredibly difficult feat to achieve, but last time I checked, quarterbacks grew on trees. Josh on the other hand, is bringing a girl home. And not just any girl, but a girl who is also dating four other guys. Take that Aaron. You can take your Kansas City Chiefs interview and shove right up your NFL bound keyster. At the end of the date, the Murray family played football in a space roughly the size of a large hot tub.
Marcus had the final hometown date, and what did “I love you” Marcus do? He took Andi to a strip club and bared almost all of it for her. Not a lot happened on Marcus’ hometown except Marcus’ mother calling Andi “bewful” a few times — someone call Juan Pablo.
I’m choosing to ignore the whole Eric thing, as I think they’ve pretty much squeezed that orange dry.
At the rose ceremony Andi had a meltdown and had to run out of the room, and be consoled by Chris Harrison, lurking in the shadows. In the end Andi said goodbye to Marcus, who, in the limo ride home, said, “I shouldn’t have told her I loved her,” echoing fan sentiment.
Next week the three remaining guys head off to get lai…the Dominican Republic.