Young Adult Forgets How to Make New Friends

young adult forgets how to make friendsCINCINNATI, OH — 27-year-old James Turner just recently moved to Cincinnati, Ohio after he and his girlfriend broke up last month. Turner said that while the move needed to happen, his experience meeting new people has been less than thrilling.

“I needed a change,” said Turner, “My girlfriend and I shared all the same friends, and I just couldn’t be around her. At least, not right now. That’s why I decided to move to Cincinnati.”

Although Turner’s move was a relatively short distance away from his hometown of Cleveland, he said his fresh start has been anything but easy.

“I don’t remember making friends being this hard. I’ve gone to bars, Red’s games, really any social gathering in the area,” said Turner, “But every time I go to an event, I somehow end up becoming a creepy loner. I don’t mean to be, but I turn into the guy sitting alone at the bar, or who went to a baseball game by himself. It’s not fun when you overhear people talking about ‘not wanting to sit by the lonely weirdo,’ and realizing that  ‘lonely weirdo’ is you.”

With no luck at major events around the city, Turner tried to make friends at a local grocery store.

“I figured a grocery store would be a non-threatening place to strike up casual conversation. However it proved to be more difficult than I thought. I approached someone buying banana’s and asked them if they liked fruit. I realized my error almost immediately, as they swiftly walked away,” said Turner, “After that I thought I might make a joke with someone, so I grabbed a bottle of mustard, walked up to the first person I saw and said, ‘I think I’ve finally mustard up the courage to talk to you,’ which I thought was a great condiment pun, but the person just looked at me confused, shook their head and called me a dumbass.”

Turner said he has become so desperate that he put out an ad in Craigslist for a “man seeking friend to share a few beers with,” in the both the “men seeking men,” and “men seeking women” categories.

“The results were less than ideal. I had no response from any women, and I had a bunch of guys offering to blow me.”

Turner said that if things don’t turn around soon, he may have no other option than to move home and make amends with his former girlfriend.

Internet Troll Claims He Only Meant To Inspire

Internet TrollCOLUMBIA, SC — “Troll,” “Idiot,” “Scumbag,” — these are just some of the names that internet commenter, John Knight, has been called by fellow internet posters. Knight has been active on the internet since 2004 and has received harsh criticism for some of his recent negative comments. Knight, however, argues that he is only trying to inspire and push people to their full potential.

“I don’t get it,” said John Knight, “You try and be helpful on the internet, and suddenly you get a bunch of backlash.”

Knight’s comments span from, “This might have been original in 1994, go kill yourself,” to “I’ve been more entertained watching my grandma try and eat food, why don’t you go die.” He says that his comments are meant to be a coaching mechanism. And while most of the internet has come to despise commenting “trolls,” Knight argues that they are the lifeblood of the world wide web.

“If every comment was, ‘Oh, this is the best thing since birthdays,’ where would we be? The internet would have plateaued back in 2006. It’s only thanks to my overly harsh critiques of every nuance of the internet that the world is progressing.”

Knights most recent comment was on a video of a four-year-old and her kitten bathing in the same tub. Knight’s comment read, “Someone should murder that cat in front of that kid for making this stupid waste of time.” When asked what he was trying to achieve, Knight said, “One day that kid’s going to grow up and start making hit after hit, and you know who she’ll thank? Old Johnny Knight for pushing her to her limit.”

Knight says he slowly but surely refined his internet commenting process.

“First you pick out their biggest insecurity. If they’re overweight, call them fat. If they’re a woman, call them fat. If you’re commenting on something artistic, call it unoriginal, and then call them fat. And if you can’t find a weakness, tell them to either ‘go die,’ or to ‘kill themselves.’ After that it’s really just a waiting game.”


Student Walks In On Roommate Who Was Totally Not Singing and Playing Guitar

college guitar

Source: BJU

OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY — College sophomore, Brett Kennedy, returned from class around 4:45 p.m. on Friday. As he approached his door, he heard singing and guitar playing coming from his college residency. When he opened his door, his roommate, Alex Collins, donned a look of horror, immediately stopped singing while putting down his guitar, and started flipping through television channels.

“What were you doing?” Kennedy asked. To which Collins replied, “Nothing,” while not making eye contact.

Kennedy said his class released early which is why Alex was surprised.

“I would have come home around 5:00 if my class was on its regular schedule. I guess Alex uses that time for himself.”

Kennedy said that sometimes when it’s late at night he hears Alex singing and playing guitar in his room.

“I asked him one time if he could either play softer at night, or just play during the day because I was trying to sleep, but Alex said he didn’t know what I was talking about. The next night I heard him singing and playing “Holocene” by Bon Iver, so I guess he got the message.”

Bachelorette Recap: Week 8

Josh bachelorette

My money is on Josh to be the future ex Mr. Andi Dorfman.
Source: ABC

Week 8 is in the books, and what a snorefest it was. Had I known that so little happens in the DR, I wouldn’t have been so jealous of my friends taking spring break trips there. This week were the dates with the fantasy suites on the line, where the final three contestants get an option to get inside Andi…’s room and spend the night with her, where no camera’s are allowed — meow!

As previously mentioned, this week’s dates took Andi and her three men to the Dominican Republic, which I can only assume meant that the producers decided to ditch the lucrative islands of Belize and Bora Bora, to go with a more “down to earth” destination, where rum is a little cheaper.

A gorgeous view of a tree from Andi's room. Source: ABC

A gorgeous view of a tree from Andi’s room.
Source: ABC

Andi’s first date was with Nick, where they took…wait for it…a helicopter ride. Andi would not let Nick forget “how cute it was,” that it was his first time on a helicopter saying, “I can’t believe this is your first helicopter ride,” no less than three times. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Andi has any room to be on a high horse when it comes to riding in a helicopter. If Juan Pablo had not found her mouth irresistible, and instead, had cut her in the first few rounds, I think there is little chance that she would be a helicopter expert. Maybe smug Nick should be with smug Andi.

Andi's first De Niro face of the episode. Source: ABC

Andi’s first De Niro face of the episode.
Source: ABC

After landing on their own private island, viewers got to see Nick and Andi do adult stuff in the ocean, which featured a plethora of shots including views from a camera on a boat, a camera on the land, and a camera on a helicopter hovering right above them — talk about production value! Nick then talked about his feelings, and at dinner gave Andi a book, that looked to be illustrated by a twelve-year-old, but like, a twelve-year-old with artistic talent. Andi gave Nick the key to her va…cation island suite– with Chris Harrison’s blessing of course — and Nick obviously obliged.

Josh’s date followed Nick’s, and once again, not much happened. Andi and Josh perused the town of Santa Domingo, and Josh drank some natural male enhancer? Thank goodness Andi isn’t fluent in Spanish. After a rousing game of stick ball, Andi and Josh made their way to Casa De Campo, where Josh told Andi in eloquent style, “I feel stuff for you.” He’s a real orator. Josh also got Chris Harrison’s blessing to spend some time in Andi’s pink…curtained, suite.

Chris right before one final desperation, "I'm in love with you." Source: ABC

Chris right before one final desperation, “I’m in love with you.”
Source: ABC

Chris had the final date, and let me just premise by asking how much would it suck to be the third guy on these fantasy suite dates? I mean if you actually do make it to the final three, you have to go through the date knowing that your future ex-wife/ex-fiance has just been soiled by two other dudes. Let’s say by some miracle you actually do get married and have kids and you have to explain to your children that you “knew your wife was the one for you, right after she spent the night with two other dudes.” Andi’s date with Chris was painful in so many ways:  She picked to go to a DR farm, I can only assume because that’s all she knows about Chris. Then Chris daintily ran off — a phrase I never thought I would write — to play a game of hide and seek with Andi. At the end of the date Andi decided that Chris was not the man for her, which prompted Chris to try one more desperation, “I love you,” but alas, he went home. For a second though, I would like to salute Chris for having a stand-up exit. He didn’t get overly emotional, he said what needed to be said, and was just that overall good guy that we’ve come to know and love. Here’s to hoping he’s the next bachelor.

Barring Andi sporting baby bump, I’m not writing about the “Men Tell All,” because, well, nothing really happens. Here’s to hoping Andi’s father provides some much needed entertainment in two weeks.






Southern Californians Panic as Light Rain Affects Region

california rain


LONG BEACH, CA — Southern Californians began to panic today as light rain affected the region around 11:00 am Pacific Time. Traffic began slowing down from 30 mph to 15 mph, and in some areas people stopped their vehicles and turned their heads dramatically toward the sky  to see what mystical phenomenon was occurring before their eyes.

“In all my days,” said Vienna Charles of Lakewood, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

The rain not only caused traffic to stop in several areas, but businesses have closed down until the rain abates and the weather returns to 72 and sunny.

“You think we’re going to risk our employees going out in this?” said Dan Linchberg of P.I.G. pharmaceuticals, “We demand a lot out of our workers, but we’re not monsters.”

Hospitals too, have seen an influx of people coming in to treat the rain water that has touched their skin.

“This is embarrassing,” said Dr. Kelly, “Growing up in Seattle, I’m used to some rain here and there. However, I wasn’t prepared for the mayhem that a light drizzle could cause in Southern California. I saw a woman come in, screaming that ‘the sky had spit on her.’ These people don’t need a doctor, they need to spend sometime in the Midwest during spring.”

Classes have also been canceled at local colleges due to the inclement weather, and students have gathered together in prayer that the rains will end.

“Most of the time, when classes are canceled, we have a party or go out but this is bad man,” said student, Brooks Karr, “I’ve never seen anything like it. The sidewalk is turning a darker shade of gray,  and for some reason there are worms littering the pavement. I’m hoping that we can go back to our regular weather, but I don’t know if anything will ever be the same again.”


Husband Fakes Affinity For Roller Coasters

Husband fakes affinity for roller coasters


SANDUSKY, OH — Bill Harper is a devoted husband and father of two. He spends his days at work, and when he’s not working, he spends his free time doing activities with his wife and kids. Unfortunately for Bill, every summer his kids love to spend their time at the local theme park, Cedar Point.

“My summer pretty much goes down hill after Memorial Day,” said Harper, “My kids and my wife love roller coasters and thrill seeking, but I couldn’t hate it more. I haven’t told them that though, because I enjoy spending time with them and I don’t want to look like the ‘not cool dad.'”

Harper said his disdain for roller coasters dates back to when he was a child, “My mother used to drag me onto rides, and I would end up vomiting for hours when we got home, but she kept insisting I just needed to outgrow it.”

Harper says the routine is always the same: He rides a roller coaster with his kids, claims he either needs to go the bathroom, get a soda, or wants to pick something up at the gift shop, then heads straight to the nearest out-of-sight trashcan and vomits for a good fifteen minutes.

“My biggest problem right now is that they keep building taller and faster roller coasters. Every year it seems like Cedar Point is actively trying to kill me,” Said Harper.

We asked his kids, Annie and Michael, what they thought of their father. “He’s cool,” said Michael. Annie echoed his sentiment, “Yeah he’s cool, but he screams like mommy.”

When asked why he never tries to back out of a Cedar Point trip Harper said, “I tried that once and my kids said, ‘Why daddy? Keegan’s dad always goes to Cedar Point!’ Yeah, well Keegan’s ‘cool dad’ also cried at the end of Frozen.”

Harper said the worst though, is when his kids want to go to Cedar Point during Halloween, “Roller coasters and haunted houses,” Harper said exasperated, “F****ing great.”

Loner Signs Up For Netflix Account, Reacquaints With Old Friends

Loner Netflix


COVINGTON, WV — Aaron Wilson considers himself an introvert. He lives by himself in an isolated cabin near Covington, West Virginia. He has his own woodshop, a dog named Rooster, and a land-line phone in case of emergencies. Wilson recently got an internet connection and decided to try out Netflix. The results were surprising.

“All I wanted was to watch a little television to keep updated with the world, so I bought a Netflix account,” Wilson said, “I told my Mom during our monthly phone conversation and within two days I had people calling me to chat.”

Wilson said among the people who mysteriously started getting in touch with him were an ex-girlfriend from high school, an old college roommate, and an estranged uncle.

“It was definitely weird,” said Wilson, “The conversation started out like they were catching up with me and then they started asking me about all of these Netflix shows. My ex asked me if I watched the new season of Arrested Development, and my uncle kept coming back to Frank from House of Cards being a dick. I really didn’t know what they were talking about, because I only just got Netflix.”

According to  Wilson, their tones quickly became urgent after that.

“I should have seen it coming. When my uncle asked me if my email was still woodman3232, I knew something was off.”

Wilson said his ex-companions began using every line in the book to get his Netflix user name and password: “I just want to use it for one show,” “If you ever need to use it just tell me,” and “If I don’t watch the new season of Orange is The New Black I might literally die.”

“I didn’t think there was any harm in giving them my password, but a few days later I realized my mistake. Not only were my recommended titles filled with TNT dramas, but more people started contacting me. The breeder who I bought my dog from, the butcher who I buy my steaks from, even the mailman all started trying to get my username and password.”

Wilson said the Netflix experiment is over for him, and instead, he bought an Amazon Prime account, saying, “At least they have free shipping.”

Texas Governor is Bad at Metaphors

texas governorDALLAS, TX — Texas Governor Howard Parker has made a few unpopular decisions in his career. His stance on taxation was argued, as was his take on how to deal with, as he calls it, “the old people problem.” However, most of his criticism comes from various speeches on social issues where he made several far-fetched metaphors.

‘Do I pretend to be an orator? No. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to make metaphor after metaphor,” said Governor Parker.

The criticism of Governor Parker started at an environmental summit meeting when he equated climate change to Tapioca Pudding. Parker said, “It’s moist, it’s messy and it has a bunch of stuff in it that I don’t really understand.”

Governor Parker then tried his hand at another metaphor, this time talking about increasing minimum wage, saying, “Increasing minimum wage is kind of like a monkey at a zoo: He’s in a cage, jumping all around on his little playground. Sometimes he’ll get tired and take a nap, but sometimes he’ll throw his own poop at you. You just have to watch out.”

Much of the public has expressed confusion, and at times, frustration at his metaphorical outbursts, “One time I saw Governor Parker address union busting,” said transit worker Fred Miller, “He equated me to a Bonsai tree that needed to be shaped, pruned, and watered daily.”

Governor Parker’s public image issues came to a head when he tried to tackle his thoughts on homosexuality. “Being gay is kind of like having Polio: you’re tired, you’re lower back might hurt. Are you FDR? No, but you’re certainly not Truman either.”

When asked why he kept making outrageous metaphors that are neither accurate nor coherent, Governor Parker said, “A lot of times people want me to talk about things I don’t know about. In truth, I wanted this job so I could affect cattle taxation laws, and then suddenly they throw carbon emissions and fossil fuel talk at me. I figured it was best to make a metaphor and maybe people would think I was kinda like that Arnold Hemingway guy.”

Governor Parker has since agreed to stop making metaphors or speaking on topics of which he has no authority.


Bachelorette Recap: Week 7, Hometowns

Marcus bachelorette

Source: ABC

Week seven is in the books folks, and oh what a week it was. Hometown dates always offer a great amount of content that is just generally ridiculous — albeit apparently not as ridiculous as what happens in the fantasy suite next week (wink, wink). Yes, Nick, Chris, Josh, and Marcus all got to show off Andi to their mothers and fathers and, in Nick’s case, his sister, sister, brother, sister, brother, brother, sister, sis…I’m exhausted already, let’s get to it.

Nick’s hometown date with Andi was first on the docket, and he got to show her all that Milwaukee has to offer — spoiler alert: it’s not an active culture. Nick’s day-date with Andi was seemingly pretty bland. He took Andi to a brewery and they drank beer and danced to polka, which resulted in Andi’s first De Niro face of the episode.

Andi Dorfman

Source: ABC

After drinking and dancing, Nick took Andi to meet his family, and boy, do Nick’s mom and dad love to procreate. Nick has ten siblings, which isn’t overwhelming at all. In fact it was so not overwhelming, that Andi totally didn’t whip out her De Niro face for almost the entire dinner. At one point during the date, Nick’s younger sister, Bella, took Andi aside to ask her a few questions about her and Nick. After a few mundane questions, Bella dropped a bomb on Andi, asking if she loved her brother. Andi replied that she thought Nick was amazing, and generally dodged the question. But what happened next was nothing short of a Usual Suspect’s plot twist: Bella was a spy for Nick all along, and not only was she playing espionage with Andi, but she is also the worst spy ever. Bella couldn’t remember the answers to any of the questions she asked, and she also led Nick astray by telling him that Andi said she loved him, only to take the rug out from under him by saying that Andi actually said she just “liked” him. All of this leads me to believe that Bella is not just a spy, but in fact, a double agent. Well played Bella, you’re a regular spook.

chris bachelorette

Farmer Chris

Chris’s hometown date was next on the docket and it took Andi to Arlington, Iowa, which generally looks like you’re driving on i-70 west. Chris showed Andi his home, and gave her a speech almost straight from the Lion King, saying something along the lines of “Everything the light touches is mine.” Chris then did what any responsible farmer would do, and took Andi out on his big green tractor. Andi seemed excited, and I wish Chris had said something along the lines of, “that’s great because we have to do this for the next 4-6 hours,” but he didn’t. Instead, Chris had Andi hop on his lap and let her drive.

After their tractor ride, Chris and Andi had a picnic in the freshly plowed field, which I’m sure was great for Andi’s already atrocious allergies. Chris then told Andi about all the opportunity (singular) there is in Arlington, when he said, “There’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” Oh wow Chris, a homemaker? Where do I sign up for that? Are there recruiters for this heavily sought after profession? Needless to say Andi did not look pleased. Andi also dropped the bomb on Chris that she’s not just a city girl, saying, “I was born in the city, but I moved to the suburbs.” Well slap a pair of overalls on that girl, and give her a fiddle, we got ourselves a suburbs girl!

Chris’s family was easily the best of the bunch. His sisters seemed to genuinely care about him, and his mom seemingly had 4-5 glasses of wine, and got a little goofy. They ended the night with the traditional game of “Ghost in The Graveyard,” and I have no idea how anyone found Chris and Andi with all of those cameras following them around, but low and behold, they did.

Josh’s date was in Tampa, Florida, where he took Andi to play two person baseball. Which is kind of like watching one person play ping pong, or probably how a dog feels whenever it plays fetch.


Aaron Murray makes his Bachelorette debut

Josh’s date seemed to revolve around 5th round draft pick, Aaron Murray (Josh’s brother) and why the hell should it not? Andi however was worried that the family wouldn’t show the proper amount of excitement toward Josh on his big day. I mean sure making it to the NFL is an incredibly difficult feat to achieve, but last time I checked, quarterbacks grew on trees. Josh on the other hand, is bringing a girl home. And not just any girl, but a girl who is also dating four other guys. Take that Aaron. You can take your Kansas City Chiefs interview and shove right up your NFL bound keyster. At the end of the date, the Murray family played football in a space roughly the size of a large hot tub.

Marcus had the final hometown date, and what did “I love you” Marcus do? He took Andi to a strip club and bared almost all of it for her. Not a lot happened on Marcus’ hometown except Marcus’ mother calling Andi “bewful” a few times — someone call Juan Pablo.

I’m choosing to ignore the whole Eric thing, as I think they’ve pretty much squeezed that orange dry.

At the rose ceremony Andi had a meltdown and had to run out of the room, and be consoled by Chris Harrison, lurking in the shadows. In the end Andi said goodbye to Marcus, who, in the limo ride home, said, “I shouldn’t have told her I loved her,” echoing fan sentiment.

Next week the three remaining guys head off to get lai…the Dominican Republic.





Feminist Wants Stay-At-Home Husband To Stop Doing Gentlemanly Things

Angry WomanDENVER, CO — Brenda Green of Denver, Colorado is the CEO of a major tech company. She married her high school boyfriend, Don Green, in 1997 and hasn’t looked back since. Recently however, Don has noticed some dramatic changes in his wife’s demeanor.

“She started watching Rachel Maddow and has become downright mean,” said Don. “Yesterday we were going to see that new movie, How To Train Your Dragon 2, and I held the door open for her. She went wide eyed, shoved me inside, walked backwards out of the theater and reopened the door, while saying, ‘What? You think because I’m a woman I can’t open a door myself?’ I tried to explain I was just being polite, but by then she had already paid for our tickets and Sour Patch Kids.”

Don also mentioned a time when Brenda, who is 5-foot 2, was having trouble reaching a dish on the top level of a cabinet. When he went over to try and help, Brenda pushed him away, saying, “I don’t need your damn help, Don!”

He recounted, “I watched for ten minutes as she duct-taped a ruler to the top of a broomstick and slowly inched the large serving dish to the edge of the cabinet. As soon as it fell, she lunged to try and grab it, but it ended up hitting her in the head.”

“Her behavior has been worse than when she went on a Downton Abbey binge… Those were a dark few months. She adopted a British accent and kept calling me a ‘harlot.’ Our son was pretty confused.”

Don says he wishes there was a way where he could tell Brenda how much he appreciates all that she’s done for their family. He said, “She pays for our food and our home, and gives our children the attention they need. I just wish there was a way to tell her without her thinking that I’m patronizing her.”