CINCINNATI, OH — 27-year-old James Turner just recently moved to Cincinnati, Ohio after he and his girlfriend broke up last month. Turner said that while the move needed to happen, his experience meeting new people has been less than thrilling.
“I needed a change,” said Turner, “My girlfriend and I shared all the same friends, and I just couldn’t be around her. At least, not right now. That’s why I decided to move to Cincinnati.”
Although Turner’s move was a relatively short distance away from his hometown of Cleveland, he said his fresh start has been anything but easy.
“I don’t remember making friends being this hard. I’ve gone to bars, Red’s games, really any social gathering in the area,” said Turner, “But every time I go to an event, I somehow end up becoming a creepy loner. I don’t mean to be, but I turn into the guy sitting alone at the bar, or who went to a baseball game by himself. It’s not fun when you overhear people talking about ‘not wanting to sit by the lonely weirdo,’ and realizing that ‘lonely weirdo’ is you.”
With no luck at major events around the city, Turner tried to make friends at a local grocery store.
“I figured a grocery store would be a non-threatening place to strike up casual conversation. However it proved to be more difficult than I thought. I approached someone buying banana’s and asked them if they liked fruit. I realized my error almost immediately, as they swiftly walked away,” said Turner, “After that I thought I might make a joke with someone, so I grabbed a bottle of mustard, walked up to the first person I saw and said, ‘I think I’ve finally mustard up the courage to talk to you,’ which I thought was a great condiment pun, but the person just looked at me confused, shook their head and called me a dumbass.”
Turner said he has become so desperate that he put out an ad in Craigslist for a “man seeking friend to share a few beers with,” in the both the “men seeking men,” and “men seeking women” categories.
“The results were less than ideal. I had no response from any women, and I had a bunch of guys offering to blow me.”
Turner said that if things don’t turn around soon, he may have no other option than to move home and make amends with his former girlfriend.