LONG BEACH, CA — Southern Californians began to panic today as light rain affected the region around 11:00 am Pacific Time. Traffic began slowing down from 30 mph to 15 mph, and in some areas people stopped their vehicles and turned their heads dramatically toward the sky to see what mystical phenomenon was occurring before their eyes.
“In all my days,” said Vienna Charles of Lakewood, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
The rain not only caused traffic to stop in several areas, but businesses have closed down until the rain abates and the weather returns to 72 and sunny.
“You think we’re going to risk our employees going out in this?” said Dan Linchberg of P.I.G. pharmaceuticals, “We demand a lot out of our workers, but we’re not monsters.”
Hospitals too, have seen an influx of people coming in to treat the rain water that has touched their skin.
“This is embarrassing,” said Dr. Kelly, “Growing up in Seattle, I’m used to some rain here and there. However, I wasn’t prepared for the mayhem that a light drizzle could cause in Southern California. I saw a woman come in, screaming that ‘the sky had spit on her.’ These people don’t need a doctor, they need to spend sometime in the Midwest during spring.”
Classes have also been canceled at local colleges due to the inclement weather, and students have gathered together in prayer that the rains will end.
“Most of the time, when classes are canceled, we have a party or go out but this is bad man,” said student, Brooks Karr, “I’ve never seen anything like it. The sidewalk is turning a darker shade of gray, and for some reason there are worms littering the pavement. I’m hoping that we can go back to our regular weather, but I don’t know if anything will ever be the same again.”