Husband Fakes Affinity For Roller Coasters

Husband fakes affinity for roller coasters


SANDUSKY, OH — Bill Harper is a devoted husband and father of two. He spends his days at work, and when he’s not working, he spends his free time doing activities with his wife and kids. Unfortunately for Bill, every summer his kids love to spend their time at the local theme park, Cedar Point.

“My summer pretty much goes down hill after Memorial Day,” said Harper, “My kids and my wife love roller coasters and thrill seeking, but I couldn’t hate it more. I haven’t told them that though, because I enjoy spending time with them and I don’t want to look like the ‘not cool dad.'”

Harper said his disdain for roller coasters dates back to when he was a child, “My mother used to drag me onto rides, and I would end up vomiting for hours when we got home, but she kept insisting I just needed to outgrow it.”

Harper says the routine is always the same: He rides a roller coaster with his kids, claims he either needs to go the bathroom, get a soda, or wants to pick something up at the gift shop, then heads straight to the nearest out-of-sight trashcan and vomits for a good fifteen minutes.

“My biggest problem right now is that they keep building taller and faster roller coasters. Every year it seems like Cedar Point is actively trying to kill me,” Said Harper.

We asked his kids, Annie and Michael, what they thought of their father. “He’s cool,” said Michael. Annie echoed his sentiment, “Yeah he’s cool, but he screams like mommy.”

When asked why he never tries to back out of a Cedar Point trip Harper said, “I tried that once and my kids said, ‘Why daddy? Keegan’s dad always goes to Cedar Point!’ Yeah, well Keegan’s ‘cool dad’ also cried at the end of Frozen.”

Harper said the worst though, is when his kids want to go to Cedar Point during Halloween, “Roller coasters and haunted houses,” Harper said exasperated, “F****ing great.”

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