COVINGTON, WV — Aaron Wilson considers himself an introvert. He lives by himself in an isolated cabin near Covington, West Virginia. He has his own woodshop, a dog named Rooster, and a land-line phone in case of emergencies. Wilson recently got an internet connection and decided to try out Netflix. The results were surprising.
“All I wanted was to watch a little television to keep updated with the world, so I bought a Netflix account,” Wilson said, “I told my Mom during our monthly phone conversation and within two days I had people calling me to chat.”
Wilson said among the people who mysteriously started getting in touch with him were an ex-girlfriend from high school, an old college roommate, and an estranged uncle.
“It was definitely weird,” said Wilson, “The conversation started out like they were catching up with me and then they started asking me about all of these Netflix shows. My ex asked me if I watched the new season of Arrested Development, and my uncle kept coming back to Frank from House of Cards being a dick. I really didn’t know what they were talking about, because I only just got Netflix.”
According to Wilson, their tones quickly became urgent after that.
“I should have seen it coming. When my uncle asked me if my email was still woodman3232, I knew something was off.”
Wilson said his ex-companions began using every line in the book to get his Netflix user name and password: “I just want to use it for one show,” “If you ever need to use it just tell me,” and “If I don’t watch the new season of Orange is The New Black I might literally die.”
“I didn’t think there was any harm in giving them my password, but a few days later I realized my mistake. Not only were my recommended titles filled with TNT dramas, but more people started contacting me. The breeder who I bought my dog from, the butcher who I buy my steaks from, even the mailman all started trying to get my username and password.”
Wilson said the Netflix experiment is over for him, and instead, he bought an Amazon Prime account, saying, “At least they have free shipping.”