Man Says He Was Dragged To Ellen DeGeneres Taping

man dragged to ellenBERKELEY, CA — At a recent taping of The Ellen DeGeneres show, Gary Phillips was adamant that he was dragged there by his wife Susie.

“I would never come here on my own accord,” said Phillips, “I respect Ellen and all that she does, but I’m more of a sports guy.”

Phillips said he only went to the taping to appease his wife who is a die-hard Ellen DeGeneres fan.

“Susie’s part of the ‘DeGenerNation.’ She never misses an episode, and if she does have a prior obligation, you better believe that she’ll record it and save it for later. Which is frustrating, because like I said, I’m a sports guy, and I gotta have room to record my sports,” said Phillips.

According to his wife, however, Gary was not exactly telling the truth in his account. In fact she recorded the whole experience on her cell phone.

“Just watch,” said Susie, while sheepishly grinning.

At the taping Gary Phillips was seen dancing and tearing up on multiple occasions, jumping up and down excitedly with his wife, and at one point during a gift give away Gary shouted, “This is the best day of my life!” while hugging everyone around him.

“Sports my ass,” said Gary’s wife Susie.



Man Inspired to Open Gourmet Restaurant after Eating Bacon Clubhouse Burger from McDonalds



DUNDEE, MI – Local resident Stan Walls plans to open his first restaurant, A Taste of Gourmet, sometime early next year. Walls has spent his professional years working in sales for a plastics company, but recently determined that his true calling is in the restaurant business.

“I have always enjoyed a good meal,” said Walls. “But even though my wife and I eat out a lot, I never saw what all the fuss was about. Whether it is Chilean sea bass served on a bed of jasmine rice at Bonefish Grill, or a mushroom stuffed filet with demi-glace sauce at The Cheesecake Factory, it all seems the same.”

This mindset changed for Walls during a recent dining experience. “I stopped into Walmart during my lunch break to buy some socks and refill my allergy prescription, and figured the McDonalds near the entrance was as good a place as any to get lunch,” said Walls.

Stepping up to the cashier, Walls decided to order the featured Bacon Clubhouse Burger. The following moments, as Walls describes them, were moments he won’t soon forget. “I took the first bite, and felt as though I was whisked away from that restaurant, inside that Walmart.”

“Applewood smoked bacon and grilled onions heaped over fresh lettuce and tomato, brilliant white cheddar, tender beef, all infused with special sauce,” Walls described, “swam in my mouth and danced with my taste buds. Any thought or concern in my mind was replaced by the savory, exquisite flavor of this meaty masterpiece.”

After his culinary revelation, Walls was determined to share his newfound passion. “For the first time, I knew how it felt to want to make a dish that changes someone’s life,” said Walls.

“A Taste of Gourmet will be my gift to the world, and much like the Bacon Clubhouse Burger I devoured on that fateful day, we will serve nothing but the highest quality meals money can buy.”

Walls intends to open a four-star quality restaurant with several delicacies including duck breasts, veal, and fresh lobster tail, in addition to a playful homage to the burger that started it all.

“If there is a lost soul, skeptical of the food service industry as I was, he will step into my restaurant, and leave a better man.”

The Bachelorette Finale

Andi bachelorette

Source: ABC

The Bachelorette wrapped up last night, and oh what a season it was. There were Hy’s (I went there) and lows and everything in between. In the end Andi picked the former professional baseball player, Josh, to be her future former husband. Last night was not without its hiccups though, as we saw Nick’s crazy side come out — especially in the post-show ceremony — but we will get to that after the episode recap:

Last night’s episode saw both Nick and Josh meeting Andi’s parents, and more specifically asking Andi’s father, Hy — yes, his name is Hy — for permission to marry Andi. Now for those of us who watched Juan Pablo’s dismal season, we got to see Andi’s father play the role of the “hard-ass, he might be in the mafia,” parent, and I expected no less from Hy this season. However, what occurred to me at about the time that Josh was sweating through his unbuttoned shirt, was that Hy freaking loves this show. The guy is like TNT: he just knows drama. Anytime one of Andi’s men walked through the door, Hy did his best to scare the hell out of them, then reaffirmed his suspicions in a confessional, and just when we thought papa Dorfman was about to give them the ax, he goes and says he loves them and would be happy to call either one of them his son in law. Let me just recap this: Hy provided plot, conflict, climax, and resolution twice within the first hour of the show. I can think of a few television shows that should hire him as a consultant — coughTheLeftoverscough.

Hy Bachelorette

The Godfather himself.
Source: ABC

Other than Nick being painfully nervous and skittish, not a whole lot happened when the boys met the Dorfmans. I was slightly concerned that Andi’s sister couldn’t speak at one point, but a simple “mhm,” and head nod confirmed that she did in fact have vocal cords.

Josh’s date went off without a hitch, and you kind of got a feel for who Andi was going to pick when they were laughing at dinner — seemingly at nothing — for a good five minutes (ah, the simple life). By the time it was Nick’s turn for a date, the door was all but shut for the Chicagoan. Maybe it was the remote location for their date — where no one could hear you scream — or maybe it was Nick’s quiet demeanor, but the more airtime Nick got, the more I thought he had murder in his eyes.

Josh bachelorette

Source: ABC

After the date it was time for both men to get ready to either get on one knee or get sent home. While Josh had the pleasure of picking out a ring, Nick got the unfortunate “house call” from Andi. After Andi sent a few daggers straight into Nick — the worst of which being her telling Nick that she liked what she had with Josh more than with Nick — Nick got up and lef…wait no, he sat there and continued to babel about their relationship for at least twenty minutes. I’ve said it before, but ending a 10 week relationship, where you know the person you “love” is also seriously dating and/or sleeping with a bunch of other guys should not elicit the “you’ve ruined my world” emotion.

After Nick finally said goodbye. Josh put on his super tiny suit, and made his way to propose to Andi, after saying  “babe” to each other no less than eight times in a three minute span, they sat by the sunset and lived happily ever afNOT SO FAST! Nick is back in the picture and acting creepier than ever.

Nick bachelorette

Source: ABC

Apparently — much to the pleasure of Chris Harrison — Nick has been seething over losing Andi, and wanted to talk to her again, so of course it only makes sense for ABC to allow a one-on-one conversation between Andi and the guy who she’s been denying for the past few weeks. What on earth could go wrong? How about Nick bringing up fantasy suite sex, saying things like “I mean, that was some fiance type stuff,” which I will let the readers mind deduce that means. In the end, Nick came off as super creepy, and Andi basically lawyered him after he accused her of using sex as a weapon. The end of the show confirmed my suspicions of Chris Harrison’s feelings toward Andi, after he told her, “I love you so much.” Bold move Chris. Bold. Move.

ABC should be paying me for what I’m about to say, but my biggest takeaway from last night is how damn happy I am that ABC decided to sit down and say, “Guys, we have had some nut-bags on this show. I’m talking some clinically insane people who are easily angered, sexually deviant and manipulative, and also have attachment issues. Is there a way we can get all those people together in an isolated environment, fuck with their minds, and just watch what happens?” The answer is yes, and I couldn’t be more thrilled that Bachelor In Paradise begins next Monday. And here I thought I was going to have to start writing NCIS recaps…





Patagonia Unveils New “Raincoat”

raincoatVENTURE, CA  — Today Patagonia released a new product, simply called, “Raincoat.” This comes after customers complained that they didn’t know which product to buy when looking for a jacket that just repels rain.

“Everything they have is water resistant,” said customer, Judy Lundquist, “I just need a raincoat. I didn’t know whether I should buy a Houdini, or a Torrentshell, or Migration Hemp Hoody. They all seem like they would do the trick.”

Lundquist said she ended up buying four jackets because she didn’t know which one would fit her needs. However, upon a delivery she realized she bought three pullover fleeces.

“I just got so excited with their 50% off sale, that I figured one of my items had to be a raincoat.”

Patagonia’s CEO released a recent statement saying, “We realize some of our products have ambiguous names like, ‘First Sun Jacket,’ and ‘Piten Hybrid Jacket,’ so we decided to release our new “Raincoat,” for those looking for a jacket to just stay dry.”

Patagonia also said that under the “Raincoat’s” features, it will only list ‘THIS WILL KEEP YOU DRY WHEN IT’S RAINING,” in all capital letters.

Lundquist said she’s thrilled with Patagonia’s simplification of their new raincoat, and said she expects to spend no less than $700 at the outdoor retailer in the next three days.


SPORTS: Ohio State Marching Band Faces Post Season Ban Following “Sex Culture” Investigation

Ohio State Marching BandCOLUMBUS, OH — In a recent announcement from the NCAA, The Ohio State University Marching Band has been banned from post season play. The news comes following a sex culture scandal involving many of the band members and tolerated by the recently fired director.

Band members have expressed their disappointment following the announcement, “This was supposed to be our year,” said Kieth Gaines, who is plays first Tuba, “We had so many veteran players. After our 2013 season, we felt like we had the momentum to make 2014 something really special, and maybe make a run deep into the playoffs.”

Others echoed Gaines’ sentiment.

“We were the squad that made a horse literally move across the field while playing the Legend of Zelda theme song,” said trumpeter, Jane Harmon,” No one could hold a flame to us. We were the team to beat. 2014 was supposed to be our time.”

With the postseason ban and other possible sanctions, band members are left feeling lost. Harmon said the band had big plans for the season including a demonstration of birth of our solar system, the resurrection of Christ, and a full rendition of the 146 minute, Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

We asked some members of the student body what they thought about the whole “sexual culture” that has proliferated among the band squad.

Sophomore Steven Saunders said, “I’m just glad they don’t investigate what goes on at O Patio on a Saturday night. Let’s just say you see a lot of ‘sugar bushes.'”

New Study Shows Marijuana Smoke to be Leading Cause of Global Warming

Marijuana global warmingPORTLAND, OR — A recent study coming out of University of Oregon A&M suggests that Marijuana smoke is quickly becoming the leading cause of global warming. Professor Scott Morgan has been heading up this study and has said that the results have been surprising.

“With the legalization of Marijuana in both Washington and Colorado, we have seen a huge influx in smoke emissions especially in those two states. What we’ve discovered is that state-wide marijuana smoking is the equivalent of driving fifty semi trucks up a 45 degree graded road.”

Professor Morgan has also stated that when marijuana is smoked in a group setting — at a concert for example — that the damage increases exponentially.

“Wiz Khalifa concerts are likely the worst thing for our environment since Chernobyl. You can literally see the death cloud rising into the atmosphere,” said Morgan.

Professor Morgan said that “If someone was given the choice between spraying twelve aerosol cans or smoking a marijuana cigarette, I would say that the aerosol cans, while harmful, would do less damage to the climate.”

Morgan said other major events associated with marijuana that are detrimental to the environment include Girl Scout cookie season, the release of any Pixar movie, and everyday in Boulder, Colorado.

Professor Morgan also said there are secondary effects of smoking marijuana on the environment that are less talked about.

“Methane gas,” said Morgan,” I don’t know if you’ve ever seen someone with the ‘munchies’ but they will eat a lot of almost anything. People think the gas from cows is bad? Try thousands of people eating 5-10 deep fried White Castles, with a side of ice cream.”

Professor Morgan advocates the immediate suspension of all use of marijuana until a solution can be found.

Lays Releases New Pizza Gravy Flavored Chips

Lays Pizza GravyPLANO, TX — Frito-Lays announced today that they would be releasing yet another flavor of Lays potato chips, to go with their collection of “outside-the-bag” flavors.

“Accompanying our already large collection of flavors, will be our new line of Pizza Gravy potato chips,” said Lays CEO Brad Clark, “We think Pizza Gravy will go nicely with our other flavors like ‘loaded baked potato,’ ‘cappuccino,’ and ‘bacon mac & cheese.”

Clark said the decision came after an office meeting discussing what direction the potato chip conglomerate wanted to go.

“We were sitting in the conference room,” said Clark, “and we were all eating some pizza, and one of our interns said that one time in college he dipped his pizza in gravy. Everyone in the room was shocked. The idea was so simple: take gravy and put it on pizza! Now that is a flavor people can get on board with.”

Although focus groups have described the new flavor as, “Awful,” “Offensive,” and “If I had a choice between 3-month old catfish, jellied moose nose, or these chips, I would pick the fish and the moose,” Brad Clark has said the project is moving ahead as planned.

“Sometimes people don’t know what they want, until you force it down their throats. It’s kind of like that whole Dubstep thing.”


Skydiving Instructor Gives Ambiguous Instruction

Ambiguous Sky DivingSAN DIEGO, CA — Dave Bergman has been an adrenalin junkie all his life. Whether it’s swimming with sharks, or cave diving in remote regions of the planet, Bergman can be found thrill seeking across the globe. The only thing that Bergman had to cross off his bucket list was skydiving, which he attempted to do last week. However, Bergman said his experience did not go as planned.

“I love adrenalin rushes,” said Bergman, “there’s nothing like it on the planet. However, I like to have specific instructions about what I’m doing when I go on these adventures. You know, ‘keep your hands inside the cage at all times,’ ‘if you do catch on fire, stop drop and roll.’ That kind of stuff. So you can imagine my surprise when I went skydiving and was given almost no instruction at all.”

Bergman said that his skydiving instructor was so relaxed that it made him question if he knew what he was doing.

“I asked him how high we were going, and he responded by saying, ‘higher than three feet, my man.’ Then I asked him what our parachute was made out of and he said that it ‘wasn’t made out of pots and pans.’ I mean the guy was a certified lunatic,” said Bergman.

Other patrons taking part in the skydiving said that’s just how Dale Rader (the lead instructor) manages his business.

“Dale’s just a chill guy,” said fellow skydiving instructor, Blaine Denny, “He just vibes.”

“He literally made me show the class how to land,” said Bergman, “I told him I had no idea, and he told me to just give it my best shot. When I demonstrated, he just replied, ‘yeah, that’s like half right, but you’re good,'” said Bergman with a dumbfounded look on his face.

Bergman said out of all the things he’s done in his life, dealing with Dale Rader was by far the most frightening.

ESPN Apologizes for Documentary Titled, “Beating The Beaver”

The Beaver

Elward “The Beaver” Nelson was a legend in his time

BRISTOL, CT — Public Relations officials from ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, apologized today for the title of the newest release in their 30 for 30 series. A popular series of sports documentaries, 30 for 30 has told the inside stories of sports icons and public figures ranging from Wayne Gretsky, Nelson Mandela, to the Fab Five.

Their latest release, however, has caused some controversy over its title. “Beating The Beaver” is a narrative about a 1940s race car driver, Elward “The Beaver” Nelson, who earned his nickname from his signature tire tread resembling a beaver’s tail, along with his outrageous buck teeth.

“It’s a great story,” said production assistant, Steve Shriver, “The Beaver was unbeatable back in the 40s. He was synonymous with winning. It wasn’t until  Bob “The Knuckle” Rogers (named for how hard he gripped the wheel) came onto the scene that anyone even thought of beating the Beaver.”

ESPN made a few choice errors in quotations surrounding the narrative including, “The Beaver was a little rough around the edges,” “He almost never showered, and rarely opened up to anyone during his career,” and “the Beaver was the first to start the champagne celebration. After a win, he would grab a bottle, shake it, and squirt everywhere. The crowd loved it.”

The most egregious oversight was the description of the breaking point between the Knuckle and the Beaver’s heated rivalry.

“The Knuckle was deep inside the Beaver’s track, when the Beaver pulled off a move not yet seen in the racing community. ‘The Beaver pulled back behind The Knuckle, and got right on his ass,’ says interviewee, Bill Thompson, ‘Then, without any provocation, the Beaver started bumping the Knuckle from behind. Finally both the Knuckle and The Beaver lost control and ended up ramming into each other in front of thousands of spectators.'”

ESPN has since issued a statement saying, “Although the story of the Beaver and the Knuckle is iconic in racing lore, we have decided to go in a different direction for the sake of our viewers. The Beaver and the Knuckle went at it during a time when America needed two heroes, and they both deserve to have their story told.”


Travel: Local Putt-Putt Golf Course Offers Ultimate Vacation

Wild Jungle Putt PuttCOLERAIN, OH — Travel agent Richard Kelso can book you a trip to almost any destination you would like. In his expert opinion though, the best vacation spot in the world is located in Colerain, Ohio.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Wild Jungle Putt-Putt Golf, but they have everything you could ever want in a vacation,” Said Kelso.

“If you want gorgeous flowing rivers of blue, look no further than Wild Jungle. If you want to see animals in their natural habitat, hole 8 features all sorts of motorized elephants and giraffes. Are you into cave diving? Well guess what, you are going to be journeying through Wild Jungle’s dark caverns on holes 11, 12, and 13. And lets not forget, you’re having these once in a lifetime experiences all while playing the great game of golf!” said Kelso emphatically.

When asked what he tells his customers who are booking vacations through his travel agency, Kelso said, “I can let people pay upwards of $5,000 for a tropical island getaway, or I can give them the best advice in the world, and tell them to check into the Holiday Inn Express right across from Wild Jungle, and for $45 they will be in for the time of their lives. And that includes breakfast.”

Kelso also recommends the local Golden Corral, saying, “They have every type of food you could ever find on an exotic vacation, including a Chocolate Wonderfall and endless pizza, all for a buffet price!”