Whole Foods Employee Perfects The Art of Smugness

Alyssa Jennings smugness knows no bounds

Alyssa Jennings smugness knows no bounds

SEATTLE, WA — Alyssa Jennings of Seattle has been employed by Whole Foods Market for over three years. While she thinks she was initially employed because of her “go-getter,” good-natured behavior, Jennings said she has kept her job because she has learned the art of smugness.

“When I first started here, I was very much a chipper young lady. I was always smiling and saying, ‘Hi! How are you,’ to our customers. It probably wasn’t until my second year when I really started putting myself on a pedestal.” said Jennings.

Jennings said her first smug encounter came when she was checking out a customer who was buying white-bread buns for hamburgers.  “He came up to my register and I said, ‘Not buying whole grain?’ At first I didn’t even know what happened, it just came out of my mouth. I couldn’t believe I said it. The guy just looked at me, grumbled something under his breath, paid, and went on his way. I’ve really tried to hone my craft since that first encounter.”

Jennings said she is now much more comfortable in her position. “Oh yeah, I’m smug to people all day long. If you’re buying beef, I make sure to let you know that you should be eating fish. If someone comes up and actually buys our shampoo, I make sure they know that human hair was only meant to be washed once a week at most.”

Jennings smugness doesn’t recognize an age limit either. “One time there were some little kids raving about the homemade honey-roasted peanut butter,” Jennings said, ” and I walked right up to them, and told them that they should really get in the habit of eating almond butter if they actually care about their health.”

Jennings supervisor, Ron Byers, said Jennings smugness has taken on a new life of its own. “She really has taken smug to a new level. Sure every once in awhile we tolerate someone making a snooty comment, but really we try to be as nice as we possibly can be. We know our prices are already insulting enough.” said Byers. “I’ve actually been trying to get rid of Jennings for a few months, but every time I sit her down she makes a snide, belittling comment that makes me not want to not be around her.”

Byer’s said the last time he tried to fire her was a particularly seething incident. “After pumping myself up in the bathroom mirror for a good 20 minutes, I walked up to her ready to give her a piece of my mind, and she said, ‘Ron, we don’t sell motor oil here.’ I asked her what she mean,t and she said, ‘Oh I saw you drove your SUV into work today, and I thought you would rather just dump motor oil on your lawn to help with your plan of ruining of the environment.’ The thing was that it wasn’t even my car!” explained Byers,” It was a rental, but sure enough I walked away sulking. She really is a master of smugness.”

 

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37 Year-Old Music Festival Goer Thinks Dave Matthews Band Headlines Every Festival

MANSFIELD, TN — Local man, Rick Newhouse, has been going to concert festivals since the early 90’s. He’s seen them all: Bonnaroo, Austin City Limits, Coachella. You name it, and he’s been there, bandanna and illicit drugs in hand.

“Dude, if there’s one thing I love, it’s music festivals.” Said Newhouse, while showing off his Phish tattoo. “The communal love bro, it’s just something you don’t get anywhere else, especially at home. My mom man, she’s not a fan of my free-living lifestyle.”

When asked how he prepares for a music festival, Newhouse said he buys a bevy of tank-tops, grabs his favorite bandanna, and a guitar.

“You can’t do a music festival without a guitar. There’s nothing better than belting out a bunch of songs that you’re about to hear that night.”

When asked about his sleeping accommodations, Newhouse said he typically just drinks enough to the point where he’s comfortable passing out in a “new friend’s” camp chair.

When asked what makes music festivals special Newhouse said, “I just love Dave Matthews Band. Crash is my jam. Those guys know how to party.” Confused, we asked Rick to clarify what he meant, and he responded by saying, “The best thing about music festivals is DMB is always playing.” Said  Newhouse after he began eating a “peanut butter sandwich,” washing it down with a swig of Jim Beam and taking two “aspirin,”  all while taking off his shirt.

Clearly inebriated at this point, Newhouse began doing a fire dance, while chewing on his white-person dreadlocks.

Those camping next to Newhouse said it has been quite the experience. “He’s loud, obnoxious and he keeps singing the lyrics to that 90’s Dave Matthews song, ‘What Would You Say.’ You know what I ‘would say?’ How ’bout you shut the hell up you smug hippy!” Said Ron Powers, a patron tenting near Newhouse. “The guy should be labeled a public menace. It’s 2014! Dave Matthews isn’t headlining, jackass!” Powers said yelling at Rick.

Hopefully the two can sort out their differences by the time Rick starts juggling his flower sticks.

 

Bachelorette Recap Week 3; Night 2

Bachelorette Andi

Source: ABC

And thus concludes a bizarre, mid-season, two-night special. Men played women’s basketball, Marcus indeed “Mosby’d,” and we said goodbye to both Eric and Chaco in a weird fashion.

The episode started with “I perpetually have my head cocked to one side,” Dylan getting his one-on-one date. Andi and Dylan rode a steam train to all the way to pun city. It’s interesting how much control post-production has on whether or not a date is awkward just by putting in some background music. Especially with Dylan’s back story it was like a composer was saying, “Wait for it. Wait for it. He’s gonna start talking about his family annnnd there it is. Queue the soft cello and dramatic piano….and.we.nailed it. Way to go gang!” Andi also came up with a new term: “The pity rose.” Which I’m assuming is a rose given to a contestant after they bring up a sob story and the Bachelor/ette would look like a total dick if they didn’t give them a rose. I think by saying “This isn’t a pity rose,” instead of Andi just giving a rose, put the thought in at least a few people’s head that it in fact was a pity rose.

WNBA bachelorette

Source: ABC

Meanwhile back in the brotel, the second date card came. Cody did the honors of reading the names and boy, did he sound like a third grader reading “The Giver” in front of the class. The group date featured a bunch of the guys playing against WNBA all-stars, which is great because it’s probably the most viewership that has ever been associated with the WNBA. To their credit though, the WNBA team dominated the guys to the tune of 30-6, which coincidentally looks like a women’s basketball score.

After the men vs women game, the guys split up and played a game where the winner would get more time with Andi, and the loser would have to go home. This was a great date for Coach Brian, as he really showed his knowledge of X’s and O’s and how to not pass the basketball.

When the final buzzer sounded, some mass drama was produced. I mean we’re talking Schindler’s List meets a 30-for-30 about apartheid. Except that it was a bunch of dudes moping around because they lost a pretty meaningless game. I will give points for the losing team wallowing while drinking beers in the locker room though. If you can’t be with Andi, at least you can share a light beer — we sure have come a long way from orange slices. As the date continued people cheesed around, and Brian hit a pretty sweet half court shot, that I will choose to believe happened on the first try. Also well done Brian for making Andi’s layup seem like she just hit a buzzer-beater to win a game 6.

Marcus Bachelorette

Just call Marcus Ted Mosby Source: ABC

The next date was Marcus’ one-on-one, and not to toot my own horn, but I called him being the one who would Mosby Andie, and he did not disappoint. First though, Andi and Marcus repelled down their hotel. My favorite part of this was Marcus saying, “Don’t look down, look at me,” as he was 15 feet below her. After their date, they saw yet another no-name band, and acted like they couldn’t believe they were seeing said band live. And then Marcus dropped the timeless words, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” One date Marcus, you’ve been on one date with this girl, not including the time you shared with her with like 12 other dudes. If he doesn’t win, someone better put him in a room with Bradley and keep them on 24 hour watch.

Cocktail party quick slants: Let’s be honest, aside from Chaco getting cut off after what sounded like a coming-out conversation, the biggest thing to come out was the Eric-Andi fight. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Andi had a few too many wine spritzers while head-locking Marquel, because unless Eric struck some kind of nerve by calling her a “Hollywood actress,” than she completely over-reacted to a simple concern that Eric had. After Eric left, Chris and Andi came on to say a few words about Eric and “clear the air” about him leaving. I thought the whole thing was rather bizarre, and then Chris — without even a nod to a “spoiler alert” — said that Andi said goodbye to Chaco’s.

In two weeks it looks like things heat up between Marquel and Andrew, which I can only imagine is because Andrew dropped a racial slur, because that seems to fit his snide personality.

 

Bachelorette Recap: Week 3; Night 1

Chris Harrison

Who dresses you? Source: ABC

Three weeks in, and already there’s a two night special!? Andi “I perpetually have a cold” Dorfman is getting quite a lot of airtime! For the first episode in this two night special Andi and her merry men headed to Santa Barbara. Which is just a short two-hour drive from their Los Angeles location, coughbudgetcutscough. I am going to choose to gloss over Nick and Andi’s date, as nothing of note happened, except we learned that Nick either does not like himself or has a weird, self-deprecating style of humor.

After Andrew and Marcus had a shirtless heart-to-heart, the group date card came. Apparently the producers really loved the date in Juan Pablo’s season when the girls went to a Korean mall and sang K-pop because the guys also went to a mall. But instead of singing and dancing to an Asian band that no one has heard of, the guys had the opportunity to thoroughly butcher a Boyz 2 Men song, again, at a mall. First of all, Marquel apparently loves Boyz 2 Men. When he saw the trio, he looked like he just inherited a lifetime supply of cookies. The biggest thing to come out of this date was Bradley finally got his douche card. It was probably years in the making, but this date finally sealed the deal. Bradley started getting his douche card when he was told there would be singing on the date, and got all douche-pumped about having a leg up on the competition. He continued his rise in his douche stock when he couldn’t just sing “I’ll Make Love To You,” but instead, had to opera belt it out, in classic douche fashion. The clincher though, was when he tried to show up the others by vibrato-ing his way to douche kingdom. Well done Bradley, you have arrived. Andrew and Patrick continued their love affair with each other (see the picture).

Patrick and Andrew: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

Patrick and Andrew: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told Source: ABC

After the brutally awful performance, the lady and her tramps finished the date with some drinks and some casual conversation. Andi and Marquel had a great exchange when Marquel asked her what her favorite color and she responded with, “Is black a color?” Oh, Andi you are a subtle minx. Marcus began showing his true colors on this date as well, as well as his lack of brain power. Maybe it’s just because he’s relatively younger than the rest of the guys, but he seems totally out of his element. Out of all the contestants he’s definitely the one who might “Mosby” Andi, and tell her he’s in love with her after their next group date. Oh and after Josh M. got the rose, he also seems to have murder in his eyes…

Andi’s next date was with pantsapreneur, JJ. I can’t explain how stupid their date was. I guess the premise behind it, in some weird geriatric world, could be considered minutely “ok.” The execution was just bizarre. The idea was that JJ and Andi would get in full old person makeup, and act like they were 50 years their senior for the day. First off, JJ’s makeup was downright creepy. It wasn’t just old person makeup, he looked like an elderly man who had not taken care of himself at all. His eyes looked like a crack fiend, and I think he had more liver spots than hair. Andi conversely basically had a wig thrown on, and if any person looks that good when their 75 then sign me up. What made the date even more irritating is the “gotcha” game Andi and JJ played at the park, where they went up to unsuspecting groups of people and acted like they were old and senile. The people — I have to assume — were either taken aback by JJ’s fake disease ridden face, or the fact that these two people thought that they were actually fooling anyone. Let’s put it this way: if I put on cat ears, went to a park and started rubbing up against people and purring, no one would think I was a cat, and I would probably go to jail.

What's weird about two dudes just hanging out in a hot-tub?

What’s weird about two dudes just hanging out in a hot-tub? Source: ABC

Cocktail Party Quick Slants: Andrew, Josh and JJ got into quite the little tiff, which reminded me of the fun drinking game where you take a shot every time someone says some combination of “you’re not here/we’re here/we just want to know if you’re here for ‘the right reasons,'” which consequently will find you on the floor with no pants on. Andrew, who was being backed into a corner, did the only thing he could: find his lover Patrick get his bu..back. Other mentionables: Eric kind of has a weird, possessive side to him, and the hair dresser and Bradley went home. Bradley was responsible for some bizarrely dark television. He not only cried, but really dove deep into how sad he was. Someone might want to keep an eye on him, or someone should get him to sing about it.

I’m guessing tonight that Andrew is going to make Andi super upset, and probably end up leaving while saying something like “Well at least I can call Holli from Applebee’s, I bet her shift’s almost up.”

If Andrew leaves that’s another pick eliminated!