Hipster Finds Lifestyle Too Expensive, Reverts to Mainstream

hispet reverts to mainstreamASHEVILLE, NC — Derek Loy has been living the hipster lifestyle for the past two years, but after his bank account began to dwindle, he reverted to mainstream customs.

“I tried my best,” said Loy, “I really did. I was juicing regularly, eating local and organic, and was doing my best to only drink craft beer. Unfortunately, my bank account just couldn’t handle hipster living.”

Loy said the added stress on his bank account caused him to revert to a more conventional lifestyle, that he enjoyed in his pre-hipster years.

“All the stuff I was doing was great. Kale salads and IPA’s are delicious, but you know what’s also fantastic: cheap stuff. Bud light, frozen chicken and pizza, Coke. Was I saving a lot of money on clothes? Absolutely. I mean, I was buying stuff from thrift stores that homeless people probably wouldn’t wear. And, because I rarely showered, my water bill had never been lower, but those discounts pale in comparison to the money I save when I go to Kroger and buy a half gallon tub of ice cream, instead of chive and lentil flavored froyo from Whole Foods Market.”

Loy said he also has enjoyed hobbies that he wasn’t able to partake in the past two years including playing golf, and being able to talk about football with friends, as well as cleanly shaving his face.

“Do I miss hanging out at a brewery, drinking with a scarf on and talking about Radiohead tattoos? Actually, no. No I don’t. I’m finally free to go to a Buffalo Wild Wings and watch sports on Sunday, while drinking a giant Budweiser.” said Loy ecstatically. “The ironic thing is if I didn’t make this change, I would have been close to living out of my van, which would have made me a god among hipsters.”

After his profound endorsement of his common lifestyle, Loy proceeded to dip a corndog in chili and said, “This is the best I’ve felt in years.”

386 thoughts on “Hipster Finds Lifestyle Too Expensive, Reverts to Mainstream

  1. Wow, just goes to show how little Americans care about the world.
    Going back to the typical lazy life of a normal American just to save a few bucks.
    Living out of his van would of been the right decision. Plus contributing to the organic food companies would of made the world a better place.

    Shame on him


  2. Hmm wonder if I’d be considered a hipster… I drink non gmo beer try to eat organic only if convenient otherwise I’ll eat wherever aka Wendy’s. My music of choice is various forms of edm. I could care less what gas mileage I get since I don’t pay for my gas. I try to recycle but only because I don’t have to sire it. I think 99% rallies about inequal pay are dumb and those people are lazy. Guess not. Oh well


  3. I know this is a fake story, but for goodness sake… Use proper English. It should only read that he reverted. Revert means to “go back,” therefore, if you say reverted back, it is redundant, and means he did nothing.

    Sarcasm and all, as a website that prides itself on writing, you should at least do it correctly.


    • Ummmm… Maybe work on your grammar. Reverted is the past tense form of revert. As in, if revert means “go back”, then reverted means “went back”. He went back to his former lifestyle = He reverted to his former lifestyle.


      • My mistake. I see what you mean by reverted “back”. I don’t think it’s incorrect usage, but now you’ve got me wondering 🙂


    • Why Missie does the improper grammar hurt your soul? Have you ever colored outside the lines? It appears as if you would follow them all off a cliff if they told that it was correct to do so. So how about you go break a rule or 2 and come back and tell me how good it feels. Maybe, if you are physically attractive enough, I might let you try and return the favor. Idiot


      • I’m a woman and I LOVE IPA. Gimmie a freaking Lagunitas Hop Stoopid or a Ninkasi Total Domination and I’m in flavor heaven. Don’t use “woman” as an insult please. I am not an insult. I am not wimpy of body, nor of taste buds. I am not a hipster, nor a hippie. I understood this article would be satire just from the title. Oh, and Christoban is being sarcastic and slightly trollish, which many of you are not getting. Which is weird. (Not actually calling you a troll Christo, you seem too nice for a true troll, sorry, hahaha) Thank you Brit guy about the quotation info, I think that way makes more sense. From now on, this American is doing it how she wants to. Sorry grammar police, that’s how I roll. Not out of laze or ignorance (most of the time, hahaha), but because I *Like It That Way.* (FYI, I use the asterisks instead of italics-is there a way to use italics on here?)
        …….Anyone who says that organic is not healthier for you is lying to you. “Oh yes, please can I have an extra spray of POISON on my lettuce here? I really like what it does for my liver!” I hope that Ned Meyers guy was kidding. Even without reputable sources that say it’s bad, it just kind of makes sense that spraying POISON (!!!!) on your food is going to, hey, POISON YOU. Do you put a small dab of arsenic on your cookies too? My father has Parkinsons disease. The first thing the doctor told him was to eat ONLY organic. Why? Because Parkinsons disease is linked to pesticide use- or in the very least exacerbates the condition. He thought he was being SO healthy chowing down on those poison soaked apples all my life, now his quality of life is half what it should be. Less than that, really.
        It’s not hipster to want to live a longer healthier life. It’s smart. And yes, ‘hipster’ has like 3 million incarnations now, so; what even *IS* a hipster? ….and now I’ve wasted far too much time on a rant started because a guy said “You’re a woman..” if you don’t like IPA. I guess with a ‘name’ like Manly Dudeguy, what else could I expect. Manly, I happen to LIKE being a woman. I happen to think (certain hated biological cycles aside) that it’s pretty fantastic to be a lady. Not that I think “men suck” or anything. I happen to very much like the menfolk-the ones that don’t suck (because all humans have an equal opportunity to JUST SUCK.) I’ve expended my wrath: Rant. Over. Have a Nice Day- (or don’t, it’s your choice.)

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Morans… Hipsters evolved from fundies. They have endless parent money to afford whatever trends they want to follow.

    If you can’t afford it.. you don’t have a trust fund.


    • It’s really funny to call people “morons,” but spell it “morans”. It’s like saying, “I guarantee that everything I say after this poorly-spelled insult isn’t going to be very intelligent, because I am a huge moran.”


      • Moran- As in “Erin Moran,” from Happy Days. Calling someone a Moran is another way of saying that no one knows why we are paying any attention to you. You aren’t good looking, you don’t really have any talent, and everyone will forget you a few minutes after you leave. Moran.


      • It’s the new fangled, hipster way of pronouncing the word “moron”. Make sure you place extra emphasis on that second syllable. Heck, you can roll the “r” while you’re at it!


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  6. I know this is a parody article but it nails the FOOL hipsters that I market to. They spout off about global warning, carbon emissions, vegan, organic, local and the wonders of abortion all the time having no idea how ridiculous the words coming out of their 27 year old mouths really are. I market to this audience for a large agency so I know them very well. My livelihood demands i keep up on their trends. It’s so easy to take their money by using certain key words. We laugh all the way to the bank riding the pocketbook of these neophytes. For example: It has been shown by many studies that organic farming is no better than conventional at ANY level – taste, health, environmental impact, or any other level. Here is an article from Harvard that is available to all but certainly will be disregarded by the hipster. http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/organic-food-no-more-nutritious-than-conventionally-grown-food-201209055264.

    Thank you hipsters for providing me a distinct and predictable category to market my client’s products and services. You will learn someday how your pockets have been picked dry and that the goal of all business, no matter how “green,” “vegan” and “local” they are, is to move money from your pocket to theirs.


    • Organic may not be more nutritious, but there is no doubt that fresher produce (“local”) is much more flavorful. Commercially grown produce is already aged when it’s put on the shelves of our stores, and very often goes through different processes to stay or at least look fresh longer. Fresh food does taste different, anyone with taste buds can distinguish for themselves, no study needed.


    • Well to be fair, the label “Organic” has no FDA mandates for inclusion, same as “Free-Range” or “Natural”. So no, there is no difference because it’s the same stuff.

      If your post is serious, I am worried about your attitude regarding marketing towards a niche… and how Egomaniacal you come across. If it’s not all that serious, I do recommend one thing: have a burger or a filet made from Piedmontese cattle and taste what a happy cow tastes like.


    • Hey Ned,

      I was with you on the whole organic vs. non-organic for awhile, but by inadvertently throwing the word “local” into the mix opened your argument up to some debunking. Locally grown fresh produce and dairy simply tastes better than the mass produced stuff. Listen I am not saying I don’t enjoy eating an avocado from Mexico in February, but the tomatoes I picked off the vine today kicks the pants off store bought tomatoes.

      Also, what about the people who are willing pay into a farm share to get fresh produce where price is not the mitigating factor. Knowing where the produce comes from, having a say in what varietals are grown and knowing the farmers sometimes trumps price for me and other people out there.

      Two last points: I don’t think the jury is in on all the GMO stuff and thank you for your little treatise and your somewhat perverse view on capitalism in your last paragraph. What exactly was the point of that? Do you want hipsters to stop buying organically grown food from your clients so you can go sell them so other shit? If you don’t think the products your hucking are a good deal for the hipsters does’t that make you part of the problem. Are you destined to pull the snake oil man’s cart and set up the signs when you pull into the next town of suckers?


    • right, Ned Meyers…just as is the case in the entire food business, and every other major industry that produces “life essentials.” Public health, a strong population of people ready and able to work, and economic stability is none of YOUR concern. Why should it be? Bottom line is none other than PROFIT.
      You and all the other swindlers help to keep the prices high by selling illusions. While home-growers are sabotaged, being called criminals and extremists, exactly as ordered by the one day corporate-lobbyists, next day government panelist. The EPA’s official “safe limits” of pesticide residues are a joke. These are set by an agency so thoroughly corrupt, there is nothing left to rely on in their standards or recommendations. Hence the home-growers’ quiet revolution. (Bet you’ll help work on sabotaging them just to line YOUR own pockets, too, won’t you?)
      Trusting people, young and stupid, but human nonetheless, buy into your scams and the market gets inflated, and the consequences are “none of your concern”. Food prices are artificially high (go ahead and research how much food is detroyed each year just to keep the prices up), and chronic diet-related disease is epidemic. That makes food industry people, especially the in the marketing department, total scum. Feel good being scum? Don’t have three or more obese relative with diabetes and heart disease? Oh, then you must eat organic! Got grandkids? Wanna see to it that they make to be grandaparents? Not at the rate your going you won’t. If they can even afford to buy clean water to bathe, they’ll have no resistance to the super-bacteria, their leaky-gut-syndrome will render wheat production completely irrelevant, and they will have allergies to the fats their brains need to function. And you’re happily driving the killing train for them. Feel proud?!

      By the way, here’s a quote (below) from that article you’re so proud of. At best, it seems undecided whether it wants to claim there’s no difference between organic and non-organic. As far as Environmental Impact, it says nothing whatsoever, contrary to your claim.

      “Organic produce did have the slight edge in food safety, with 30% lower pesticide residues than conventional foods. In general, pesticide levels in both organic and non-organic foods were within allowable safety limits. It’s still not clear, though, just what that means to consumers’ health. “Just because these foods aren’t going over what they call an ‘acceptable limit’ doesn’t mean they’re safe for everyone,” Dr. Hauser says. There haven’t been enough studies evaluating pesticide exposure to confirm the health effects, particularly in children and pregnant women, she adds.

      Organic chicken and pork were also about a third less likely to contain antibiotic-resistant bacteria than conventionally raised chicken and pork. However, the bacteria that cause food poisoning were equally present in both types of foods.”

      Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch somone die, because they;ve been infected with antibiotic-resistant bacteria? Bet you think it’ll never happen to you, huh? Think again.


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  8. I don’t know what is more annoying: hipsters, the “regular fat American” or this idiotic article trying to be ironic.


  9. Go back home trust-fund kids. Leave of Angelenos alone. Stop shutting down our beloved Mexican restaurants to build your douche bike shops, latte shops and thrift stores (That aren’t cheap at all!). Rent was good before you decided to be ‘cool’ and turn our neighborhoods into condos.


    • Are you talking about that crappy crap “Urban Taco Delicatessen” crap that replaced La Parrilla on Sunset in Silver Lake? And Conquistador? And Barragan’s? Yeah… I was pretty sad when they all shut their doors. 😦


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  12. Most “hipsters” I know hate vegans and drink PBR. Satire or not, this article is misinformed and general annoying. Being cool isn’t about eating organic, and many “hipsters” also eat bacon throughout the day. The word has become to generalized to target one group of people such as those that prefer craft beers or organic produce.


    • The trouble comes in as soon as someone decides to start referring to him-/herself or others as “hipsters”… Is it like being a “human” or a “protestant” or an “American” or a “diabetic”? Not sure what the entrance requirements are for this exclusive club… Is there a secret password? Or, here’s a thought, maybe some people eat bacon and some don’t and some have beards and others don’t (I wonder, do girl hipsters also have to have beards?) and that’s all there is to it. 😉


    • Agreed. The hipster described in the article sounds like it describes a whole socioeconomic class of people. Young, middle-class urban North American adults after 2008.


  13. Dumb article. Hipster shaming is so 2006. The anti-hipster sentiment is getting stupider and stupider, for a plethora of reasons, chief of which is the fact that its become a meaningless epithet for “person whose set of beliefs/lifestyle is different than mine and makes me uncomfortable.”

    I was the token “hipster” when I worked for a small corporate restaurant chain. You know, because I had a beard, rode a bicycle for transportation, and had a record collection. At my current job and in my South Philly neighborhood, I couldn’t even be considered due to lack of tattooed sleeves, cafe racer, goofy mustache, Wayfarers, and skinny jeans.

    It’s all contextual stereotyping and the word hipster is so fucking BORING anymore. Just drop it, people.



  14. Feeling you brah. I had to stop buying vinyl. I mean 40 bucks for a old scratched Frank Sinatra or 25 for a new band album is just too much for me now. I have been calling vinyl the certified free range organic of the music industry. I mean MP3’s don’t sound too different. (I will never give up my vinyl i cannot even joke about it, such a loser)


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  17. While all of you were bickering about stupid shit…part of your life was lost that you can’t get back. Think about that while you’re all fighting over right and wrong(which has absolutely no meaning when you remove us humans from the equation)


  18. Mildly amusing. The article, that is.

    The video after the article was awful. I think I am now dumber than I used to be, having listened to that brainless, self-centered woman prattle on about nothing. I’ll never get those six minutes of my life back.


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