Cheetah Doesn’t Like Being Called Cute

CheetahSAN DIEGO, CA — A Cheetah in the local San Diego zoo is fed up with patrons calling him cute and endearing.

“I’m a jungle cat,” said the Cheetah, who the zoo has named Cat Mandu, “I’m not cute. I chase down gazelle and then murder them. For God’s sake, I’m a predator. You wouldn’t go up to a wolf and think, ‘Oh look at the cute puppy,’ so stop coming up to me and saying, ‘what a cute kitty,'” said Cat Mandu.

The Cheetah said that not only do the cute comments get on his nerves, but he also doesn’t understand why parents are so enamored when he and his fellow Cheetahs follow children around. “People think that we ‘like kids.’ You know what I would like: one of those kids, rare, with a side of water. I’m not following children around because I enjoy youth culture, I’m following them around because maybe, just maybe, the walls in this zoo aren’t all that stable, and this old Cheetah can get himself a five star meal. The same goes for the elderly. We’re not some mystical creatures who can look inside your soul. Daddy just wants some food.” said Mandu.

The Cheetah said the best part of his day is when he gets laid, and sends zoo guests away disgusted. “Kill an animal, or stalk a disabled person as pray and you’re ‘adorible,’ but the second I mount one of my females, and it’s suddenly like people are seeing beastiality porn for the first time.” Mandu then mocked the zoo attendees, “‘Don’t look, sweetie,’ ‘Can you make them stop?’ ‘The kangaroos never do that in front of us.’ You know what? I’ve seen some of these people, and I know that they have paid for much weirder stuff than watching two Cheetahs get down.”

Cat Mandu said that he envies the Gorillas and their opposable thumbs as he would “love to throw some poo at some of these idiots.” Cat Mandu then ran off after seeing a stuffed rabbit being tossed in the air by a child.

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