TOPEKA, KS — Yesterday Gary Parsons logged into his online checking account only to be told that his bank was upgrading their security. His bank required Parsons to update his personal security questions. Parsons is no stranger to the internet and was prepared to answer typical questions like “mother’s maiden name,” or “name of favorite teacher.” What he wasn’t prepared for though, was a bevy of questions that made him analyze his childhood.
“There were questions like, ‘who was your favorite childhood superhero?'” said Parsons, “which kind of took me off guard. I mean I’m such a Batman fan now, but when I was little, I was partial to the Web-slinger (referring to Spiderman).” said Parsons clearly reliving his childhood.
“I also encountered a ‘favorite childhood sports figure,’ which was pretty uncomfortable because I absolutely loved watching OJ Simpson as a kid, but is that someone I want to have for an answer on my bank account?”
In addition to the childhood questions, Parsons said he encountered “security questions” that asked him intimate details of his life. “I was asked what my greatest fear is. I don’t think I’ve ever had, ‘that I will lose my all of my money, and I will die alone, having no sense of true accomplishment,’ as an answer to any sort of security question. I probably should have just answered, ‘heights.'” said Parsons.
In addition to answering his greatest fear, Gary Parsons also had to answer questions like, “At what age did you first feel love?” and “Do you think you will marry the right person?” and an even more bizarre question, “If global warming takes hold of planet earth and it is up to you to figure out the best way for the human race to survive, what would you do and why? And be specific.”
“That question was definitely a far cry from ‘make and model of your car?’ And to think that I was just checking to see if I had enough money in my account to splurge at Applebee’s this weekend.”