SEATTLE, WA — Alyssa Jennings of Seattle has been employed by Whole Foods Market for over three years. While she thinks she was initially employed because of her “go-getter,” good-natured behavior, Jennings said she has kept her job because she has learned the art of smugness.
“When I first started here, I was very much a chipper young lady. I was always smiling and saying, ‘Hi! How are you,’ to our customers. It probably wasn’t until my second year when I really started putting myself on a pedestal.” said Jennings.
Jennings said her first smug encounter came when she was checking out a customer who was buying white-bread buns for hamburgers. “He came up to my register and I said, ‘Not buying whole grain?’ At first I didn’t even know what happened, it just came out of my mouth. I couldn’t believe I said it. The guy just looked at me, grumbled something under his breath, paid, and went on his way. I’ve really tried to hone my craft since that first encounter.”
Jennings said she is now much more comfortable in her position. “Oh yeah, I’m smug to people all day long. If you’re buying beef, I make sure to let you know that you should be eating fish. If someone comes up and actually buys our shampoo, I make sure they know that human hair was only meant to be washed once a week at most.”
Jennings smugness doesn’t recognize an age limit either. “One time there were some little kids raving about the homemade honey-roasted peanut butter,” Jennings said, ” and I walked right up to them, and told them that they should really get in the habit of eating almond butter if they actually care about their health.”
Jennings supervisor, Ron Byers, said Jennings smugness has taken on a new life of its own. “She really has taken smug to a new level. Sure every once in awhile we tolerate someone making a snooty comment, but really we try to be as nice as we possibly can be. We know our prices are already insulting enough.” said Byers. “I’ve actually been trying to get rid of Jennings for a few months, but every time I sit her down she makes a snide, belittling comment that makes me not want to not be around her.”
Byer’s said the last time he tried to fire her was a particularly seething incident. “After pumping myself up in the bathroom mirror for a good 20 minutes, I walked up to her ready to give her a piece of my mind, and she said, ‘Ron, we don’t sell motor oil here.’ I asked her what she mean,t and she said, ‘Oh I saw you drove your SUV into work today, and I thought you would rather just dump motor oil on your lawn to help with your plan of ruining of the environment.’ The thing was that it wasn’t even my car!” explained Byers,” It was a rental, but sure enough I walked away sulking. She really is a master of smugness.”