37 Year-Old Music Festival Goer Thinks Dave Matthews Band Headlines Every Festival

MANSFIELD, TN — Local man, Rick Newhouse, has been going to concert festivals since the early 90’s. He’s seen them all: Bonnaroo, Austin City Limits, Coachella. You name it, and he’s been there, bandanna and illicit drugs in hand.

“Dude, if there’s one thing I love, it’s music festivals.” Said Newhouse, while showing off his Phish tattoo. “The communal love bro, it’s just something you don’t get anywhere else, especially at home. My mom man, she’s not a fan of my free-living lifestyle.”

When asked how he prepares for a music festival, Newhouse said he buys a bevy of tank-tops, grabs his favorite bandanna, and a guitar.

“You can’t do a music festival without a guitar. There’s nothing better than belting out a bunch of songs that you’re about to hear that night.”

When asked about his sleeping accommodations, Newhouse said he typically just drinks enough to the point where he’s comfortable passing out in a “new friend’s” camp chair.

When asked what makes music festivals special Newhouse said, “I just love Dave Matthews Band. Crash is my jam. Those guys know how to party.” Confused, we asked Rick to clarify what he meant, and he responded by saying, “The best thing about music festivals is DMB is always playing.” Said  Newhouse after he began eating a “peanut butter sandwich,” washing it down with a swig of Jim Beam and taking two “aspirin,”  all while taking off his shirt.

Clearly inebriated at this point, Newhouse began doing a fire dance, while chewing on his white-person dreadlocks.

Those camping next to Newhouse said it has been quite the experience. “He’s loud, obnoxious and he keeps singing the lyrics to that 90’s Dave Matthews song, ‘What Would You Say.’ You know what I ‘would say?’ How ’bout you shut the hell up you smug hippy!” Said Ron Powers, a patron tenting near Newhouse. “The guy should be labeled a public menace. It’s 2014! Dave Matthews isn’t headlining, jackass!” Powers said yelling at Rick.

Hopefully the two can sort out their differences by the time Rick starts juggling his flower sticks.

 

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