Bachelorette Recap: Week 3; Night 1

Chris Harrison

Who dresses you? Source: ABC

Three weeks in, and already there’s a two night special!? Andi “I perpetually have a cold” Dorfman is getting quite a lot of airtime! For the first episode in this two night special Andi and her merry men headed to Santa Barbara. Which is just a short two-hour drive from their Los Angeles location, coughbudgetcutscough. I am going to choose to gloss over Nick and Andi’s date, as nothing of note happened, except we learned that Nick either does not like himself or has a weird, self-deprecating style of humor.

After Andrew and Marcus had a shirtless heart-to-heart, the group date card came. Apparently the producers really loved the date in Juan Pablo’s season when the girls went to a Korean mall and sang K-pop because the guys also went to a mall. But instead of singing and dancing to an Asian band that no one has heard of, the guys had the opportunity to thoroughly butcher a Boyz 2 Men song, again, at a mall. First of all, Marquel apparently loves Boyz 2 Men. When he saw the trio, he looked like he just inherited a lifetime supply of cookies. The biggest thing to come out of this date was Bradley finally got his douche card. It was probably years in the making, but this date finally sealed the deal. Bradley started getting his douche card when he was told there would be singing on the date, and got all douche-pumped about having a leg up on the competition. He continued his rise in his douche stock when he couldn’t just sing “I’ll Make Love To You,” but instead, had to opera belt it out, in classic douche fashion. The clincher though, was when he tried to show up the others by vibrato-ing his way to douche kingdom. Well done Bradley, you have arrived. Andrew and Patrick continued their love affair with each other (see the picture).

Patrick and Andrew: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

Patrick and Andrew: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told Source: ABC

After the brutally awful performance, the lady and her tramps finished the date with some drinks and some casual conversation. Andi and Marquel had a great exchange when Marquel asked her what her favorite color and she responded with, “Is black a color?” Oh, Andi you are a subtle minx. Marcus began showing his true colors on this date as well, as well as his lack of brain power. Maybe it’s just because he’s relatively younger than the rest of the guys, but he seems totally out of his element. Out of all the contestants he’s definitely the one who might “Mosby” Andi, and tell her he’s in love with her after their next group date. Oh and after Josh M. got the rose, he also seems to have murder in his eyes…

Andi’s next date was with pantsapreneur, JJ. I can’t explain how stupid their date was. I guess the premise behind it, in some weird geriatric world, could be considered minutely “ok.” The execution was just bizarre. The idea was that JJ and Andi would get in full old person makeup, and act like they were 50 years their senior for the day. First off, JJ’s makeup was downright creepy. It wasn’t just old person makeup, he looked like an elderly man who had not taken care of himself at all. His eyes looked like a crack fiend, and I think he had more liver spots than hair. Andi conversely basically had a wig thrown on, and if any person looks that good when their 75 then sign me up. What made the date even more irritating is the “gotcha” game Andi and JJ played at the park, where they went up to unsuspecting groups of people and acted like they were old and senile. The people — I have to assume — were either taken aback by JJ’s fake disease ridden face, or the fact that these two people thought that they were actually fooling anyone. Let’s put it this way: if I put on cat ears, went to a park and started rubbing up against people and purring, no one would think I was a cat, and I would probably go to jail.

What's weird about two dudes just hanging out in a hot-tub?

What’s weird about two dudes just hanging out in a hot-tub? Source: ABC

Cocktail Party Quick Slants: Andrew, Josh and JJ got into quite the little tiff, which reminded me of the fun drinking game where you take a shot every time someone says some combination of “you’re not here/we’re here/we just want to know if you’re here for ‘the right reasons,'” which consequently will find you on the floor with no pants on. Andrew, who was being backed into a corner, did the only thing he could: find his lover Patrick get his bu..back. Other mentionables: Eric kind of has a weird, possessive side to him, and the hair dresser and Bradley went home. Bradley was responsible for some bizarrely dark television. He not only cried, but really dove deep into how sad he was. Someone might want to keep an eye on him, or someone should get him to sing about it.

I’m guessing tonight that Andrew is going to make Andi super upset, and probably end up leaving while saying something like “Well at least I can call Holli from Applebee’s, I bet her shift’s almost up.”

If Andrew leaves that’s another pick eliminated!


One thought on “Bachelorette Recap: Week 3; Night 1

  1. Pingback: Bachelorette Recap Week 3; Night 2 | Lettuce Fold

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