Hipster Finds Lifestyle Too Expensive, Reverts to Mainstream

hispet reverts to mainstreamASHEVILLE, NC — Derek Loy has been living the hipster lifestyle for the past two years, but after his bank account began to dwindle, he reverted to mainstream customs.

“I tried my best,” said Loy, “I really did. I was juicing regularly, eating local and organic, and was doing my best to only drink craft beer. Unfortunately, my bank account just couldn’t handle hipster living.”

Loy said the added stress on his bank account caused him to revert to a more conventional lifestyle, that he enjoyed in his pre-hipster years.

“All the stuff I was doing was great. Kale salads and IPA’s are delicious, but you know what’s also fantastic: cheap stuff. Bud light, frozen chicken and pizza, Coke. Was I saving a lot of money on clothes? Absolutely. I mean, I was buying stuff from thrift stores that homeless people probably wouldn’t wear. And, because I rarely showered, my water bill had never been lower, but those discounts pale in comparison to the money I save when I go to Kroger and buy a half gallon tub of ice cream, instead of chive and lentil flavored froyo from Whole Foods Market.”

Loy said he also has enjoyed hobbies that he wasn’t able to partake in the past two years including playing golf, and being able to talk about football with friends, as well as cleanly shaving his face.

“Do I miss hanging out at a brewery, drinking with a scarf on and talking about Radiohead tattoos? Actually, no. No I don’t. I’m finally free to go to a Buffalo Wild Wings and watch sports on Sunday, while drinking a giant Budweiser.” said Loy ecstatically. “The ironic thing is if I didn’t make this change, I would have been close to living out of my van, which would have made me a god among hipsters.”

After his profound endorsement of his common lifestyle, Loy proceeded to dip a corndog in chili and said, “This is the best I’ve felt in years.”

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Cheetah Doesn’t Like Being Called Cute

CheetahSAN DIEGO, CA — A Cheetah in the local San Diego zoo is fed up with patrons calling him cute and endearing.

“I’m a jungle cat,” said the Cheetah, who the zoo has named Cat Mandu, “I’m not cute. I chase down gazelle and then murder them. For God’s sake, I’m a predator. You wouldn’t go up to a wolf and think, ‘Oh look at the cute puppy,’ so stop coming up to me and saying, ‘what a cute kitty,'” said Cat Mandu.

The Cheetah said that not only do the cute comments get on his nerves, but he also doesn’t understand why parents are so enamored when he and his fellow Cheetahs follow children around. “People think that we ‘like kids.’ You know what I would like: one of those kids, rare, with a side of water. I’m not following children around because I enjoy youth culture, I’m following them around because maybe, just maybe, the walls in this zoo aren’t all that stable, and this old Cheetah can get himself a five star meal. The same goes for the elderly. We’re not some mystical creatures who can look inside your soul. Daddy just wants some food.” said Mandu.

The Cheetah said the best part of his day is when he gets laid, and sends zoo guests away disgusted. “Kill an animal, or stalk a disabled person as pray and you’re ‘adorible,’ but the second I mount one of my females, and it’s suddenly like people are seeing beastiality porn for the first time.” Mandu then mocked the zoo attendees, “‘Don’t look, sweetie,’ ‘Can you make them stop?’ ‘The kangaroos never do that in front of us.’ You know what? I’ve seen some of these people, and I know that they have paid for much weirder stuff than watching two Cheetahs get down.”

Cat Mandu said that he envies the Gorillas and their opposable thumbs as he would “love to throw some poo at some of these idiots.” Cat Mandu then ran off after seeing a stuffed rabbit being tossed in the air by a child.

Soccer Player Has Been Fragile His Entire Life

fragile soccer playerST LOUIS, MO — James Osborne has been playing soccer all of his life. He started at the tender age of 16, and has continued to play through college. Though soccer was not his first choice in terms of sports he wanted to play, Osborne found that it was the only sport that he actually could play, due to his fragile nature.

“James was always a fragile boy, both physically and emotionally.” Said James’ mother, Jane Osborne. “He always wanted to try out new sports but he always wound up on the ground crying, that’s how we came to put James on a soccer team.”

Jane Osborne said that it was evident from the start that James would have a rough road ahead of him.

“One time James was playing a pee-wee football game and blocked a kick — he was always very fast. Everyone was celebrating, but there James was, crying on the ground after the ball hit him in the helmet. I don’t know if the surprise of the football sent his fragile emotions spiraling out of control, or if the impact of the ball sent his flimsy head backwards enough to cause a mild discomfort, but regardless he had to be carted off the field.” said his mother.

Jane Osborne said that James’ path to soccer was long and arduous. “We tried everything. Obviously football didn’t work. He tried basketball next but every time someone passed him the ball, it would knock him off his feet. Then we tried golf when he was about 14, but the impact of hitting the ball would make him cry. I actually think he’s the first player ever to get carted off a golf course because of an injury.” said Osborne. “One night my husband and I were watching a soccer game on television and saw how often those players end up writhing on the ground, and we thought, ‘That looks just like James!’ The next day we signed him up and haven’t looked back since.”

It didn’t take long for James to get a handle on soccer. He eventually lead his team to a state championship and turned the heads of some college coaches. “James had everything we look for in a soccer player: speed, foot-skills, the ability to make the slightest contact look like felonious assault. ” said Kansas Tech head coach, Thomas Sark. “Players like James come around once in a lifetime, I’ve never seen someone draw so many yellow and red cards at the slightest of impacts. One time I saw him draw a foul after he tripped over his own feet trying to kick a ball. This kid was made for soccer.” said Sark.

We tried to reach James for comment but we found him rolling on the ground in pain, after stubbing his toe on a door frame.

Bachelorette Recap: Week 4, France

bachelorette mime

Source: ABC

After taking a week long hiatus, Andi Dorfman is back with a vengeance. Marseille, France was the destination for the Dorfman and her band of merry gentlemen. At the beginning of the episode, Andi claimed that Marseilles is “the perfect place to fall in love,” which puts it on par with San Lucia, Santa Barbara, Connecticut, and Vietnam. I would love to hear what she would say if they took her to Yemen.

Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison’s lovely turtleneck Source: ABC

Andi’s first one-on-one date was with MLB second rounder, Josh M. But first let’s get to Chris Harrison’s newest getup: his wool turtleneck. I don’t know who does his wardrobe but somebody give that monkey a promotion! Chris asked Andi if she was falling in love, to which Andi replied, “Stop!” and thus began the drinking game that resulted in a nice Tuesday hangover for college students everywhere.

Josh M is all about not being stereotyped as a “jock,” or a “sports guy,” and wants Andi to think of him in a different light, which is fine, but Josh kept making references to his sports career, so he may as well have said something like, “I don’t want you to think of me as this guy who played in the MLB, who has a great smile, and a body with 5% body fat. I’m so much more than my sports money, and my confident 1st basemen attitude.” Also well done Josh, in keeping Andi from seeing the Chateau D’if, by sticking your tongue in her mouth, no one likes that monument anyways.

Meanwhile back at the hotel: JJ solidified himself a shit-talker, as he told Marquel that Andrew called him a “blacky,” just to turn around in the confessional and say that Andrew, “may have said ‘black guys.'” All right you little home schooled, pants punk, let’s think about this logically: 1. Blackie is a term that might — and I use “might” loosely — be used by people over the age of 75, or by T.Y. Beanie Babies when naming their Black Bear. 2: If you want to talk shit about Andrew getting a waitress’ number because you think it affects the show, then fine. But to basically call someone a racist on national television, based on something you may or may not have heard is pretty outrageous. Also I think it says something about JJ who apparently thinks “blackie” is a term that is still thrown around.

Andi Dorfman De Niro

Andi shows off her De Niro face Source: ABC

Back on the date, Josh told Andi a story about a girl he was seeing who cheated on him. This resulted in Andi donning what I have affectionately come to call “De Niro Face.”   Andi’s De Niro face can happen when she is pleased and smiling, or if she is listening intently, and interested in what a certain someone has to say. In this instance Andi De Niro’d when Josh opened up to her, proving to her that he wasn’t the same person Juan Pablo was and making her as happy as James Conway.

The next date was a group date on which Andi took her boys to Mime school. I find it incredibly hard to believe that they couldn’t come up with a better date than dressing a bunch of guys up in mime clothes and miming around a public square. Points go to smug JJ who took Andi on a Ferris Wheel, where no one could hear her scream. Dylan also showed his inner Iago, when he told Marquel it was a good idea to confront Andrew on the group date. The big thing on this date was when Nick angered big-baby Cody by saying he was the front runner. Cody was none to pleased with Nick’s cocky nature, and showed him that his California broness could quickly turn into a California “that really hurt my feelings!” Poor, poor Chris too. Andi totally manipulated his nice-guy attitude to get gossip out of him by using the, “would you tell me if I was your wife?” line.

Andi’s next date was with Brian. They’re date was essentially a promotion for the movie, “100-foot Journey,” which as far as I can tell is a movie about French people and Indians who don’t use the metric system. Brian and Andi attempted to cook food, which Brian took entirely too seriously, and if he were a girl on The Bachelor, he definitely would have been sent home. But because this isn’t The Bachelor, Brian got a rose and will be around for at least one more week.

Andi Dorfman

Source: ABC

No cocktail party this week. Andi took her Adam’s Family meets Star Wars hair, and decided she knew the cuts she wanted to make without having to see a bunch of grown men get drunk and cry. Apparently black isn’t her favorite color, as Andi cut Marquel, along with lovers, Andrew and Patrick. Patrick’s exit was particularly appealing as he said the he’s been told by “many people, not just girls, that he is a catch,” Maybe he should start pursuing those, “not just girls,” and share a limo with Andrew…meow!

Next week Andi will actually be going full-on De Niro when she administers lie detector tests to her suitors, which I’m sure won’t end in tears.

 

 

 

Man “Soccer Goal Celebrates” After Grabbing Last Bushel of Bananas

victoria-hombre-joven-emocionado-que-celebra-éxito-16067365SAVANNAH, GA — Peter Sharpe of Savannah, Georgia yesterday caused in uproar in a local grocery store when he celebrated grabbing the last bushel of bananas in the fruit aisle. Witnesses said Sharpe grabbed the bananas and started yelling and running around the store with this arms out like an airplane.

“I thought something horrible had happened,” said grocer, Barbara Harris, “Like someone had spilled milk on the floor, or gotten into a verbal altercation about avocados. I turned my head and there was this man going crazy.”

Harris said after the airplane celebration, Sharpe removed his shirt and made his way through the frozen foods section, jumping and hugging other customers. “I think at first he terrified some people, I know that a little girl started crying, but once people realized he was just super excited, his energy rubbed off on them. One guy even gave Sharpe an approving nod, and grabbed a bag of pizza rolls that he’d been eyeing down for a few minutes.” said Harris.

Sharpe then made his way to the bread isle where he climbed a shelf and back-flipped off, sending white, wheat and everything bagels tumbling down to the ground. He then headed to the wine section where he uncorked a bottle of champagne and sprayed it in his mouth and on his head.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said cheese station employee Ellen Quick, “The guy must really love bananas.”

Sharpe finished his celebration by doing a lap around the produce section and sliding on his knees in front of his shopping cart. In total the celebration lasted around 5-10 minutes and involved upwards of 12-15 customers and employees, all of whom had no idea what was going on. “There are some crazy people out there,” added Harris.

We caught up with Sharpe who just offered up a quick quote, saying, “What can I say? I’m just really passionate about my fruit.”

Doctor Loves Pulling Pranks on Patients

funny doctorEL PASO, TX — Dr. Duane P. Fletcher M.D. grew up as a class clown, always pulling pranks around his school. Whether it was firecrackers in trashcans, or saran wrap over toilet seats, Dr. Fletcher could always be found making mischief. After completing his residency, Dr. Fletcher moved to El Paso, where his mischief has not taken a backseat to his career.

“I found out at early during my residency, that being a doctor is quite possibly the best profession to pull pranks on people.” said Dr. Fletcher. “People trust you implicitly, and it’s just so easy to pull the rug right out from under them.”

Despite some patients becoming furiously irate with Dr. Fletcher, he says, most understand that it’s all in jest. “One time I had a guy come in to have a mole inspected on his toe. I ran the usual tests, and came back in with a very somber attitude. I said, ‘you might want to sit down…’ The patient sat down, and his face immediately went white. ‘Because your shoe is untied!’ I yelled at him. The mole was just a mole, and no big deal. It was great though, because not only did I convince him he was dying, but I also ‘made him look.’ God, I’m just too good sometimes.”

His office assistant Jane Cochran has a different opinion on the matter, “Oh Dr. Fletcher is horrible, but he’s one of the best doctors in the area. He thinks he’s Patch Adams, but really he’s like Dane Cook mixed with Dr. Kevorkian, who are both horrible by themselves, so you can imagine just how bad a combination of both is.” said Cochran.  “I once saw him tell a child that both his parents had died in a car accident, only to reveal that they just had the flu. That was a bad one.”

“Yeah, Jane didn’t think that was appropriate,” Dr. Fletcher said of the prank, “But you really had to be there.”

As for Dr. Fletcher’s future he said, “You know, as I said before, I am in the perfect profession for my passion of pranking, but recently I have also been training to get my pilots license.”

Gas Station Attendant Belittles Privileged High School Students

UPPER ARLINGTON, OH — Gas station attendant, James Yates, loves to frustrate young high schoolers who buy gas at their local Speedway. Yates thinks himself a different kind of educator, one that the school systems would benefit from.

“I see these kids pull up, wearing their fancy pants, and shoes. They need a lesson in the real world; where people pay you $8.50 an hour to wipe up bathroom messes, and restock Slim Jims.” said Yates

“One time I had this kid pull up in a nice, silver Saab. He came in and tried to pay for gas. ‘Nice car,’ I told him, trying to bait him into my web of conversation.” said Yates, “The kid replied with a thank you, and that was when I made my move. I sarcastically said, ‘I wish my dad would buy me a nice car.’ That definitely threw the kid off.” Yates said the student was obviously flustered, with his face turning red, and sweat running down his forehead.

“The kid tried to defuse the situation by saying that it was just a 2002 model and pretty old. I told him that some of us have to earn what we get and aren’t just handed gifts. Then the weirdest thing happened, it was quiet for about ten seconds and the kid just said, ‘I gave blood…’ I didn’t know what to say. I was so taken aback that I didn’t have a reply.” said Yates “I just nodded, and the kid just left, and I’m pretty sure we were both uncomfortable the rest of the day.”

That kid was Will Arnold a Junior at the local high school. “I was so uncomfortable that it just came out. I wanted to prove that I wasn’t a bad person for driving a car, and that was the first thing I could think of.” said Arnold, “I really did give blood too!”

Yates said the incident rattled him so much that it took months for him to goat another student, but once he got back in his grove, is has been clear sailing for Yates. “Clothing, cars, hairstyles, nothing is off limits. I’m teaching these kids a thing or two about the streets of Upper Arlington.”

What Not To Get Your Dad For Father’s Day: A Definitive Guide

With Father’s Day quickly approaching, coupons are sure to be bombarding your mailbox with ads saying things like, “The best gift your dad could ever ask for!” and “Get Dad the gift he deserves,” and “Not the favorite son? This gift could really throw your sibling under the bus!” While gift guides are great and provide a road map to your father’s heart, little is written about “what not to give Dad.” You know, the gifts that Dad wants but really should never have anywhere near his vicinity. So instead of a guide of what to give your dad, I present “The Definitive Guide of What Not to Give Your Dad for Father’s Day.”

Pressure Cooker

This Pressure Cooker is a good way to ruin your day

1. Pressure cooker

Some fathers love to consider themselves a master of the kitchen. They own the $200 knife block, the spice rack filled with Cumin, Tarragon and Saffron. Naturally, the next addition to their collection of food processors, juicers and meat grinders,  would be a pressure cooker. While this might seem like a good idea because “hey Dad really knows his way around the kitchen,” don’t kid yourself. Within a week you’ll get an angry phone call from your mother, telling you how your dad made the kitchen into a Jackson Pollack canvas, using chicken and carrots as his medium.

2. A kayak\canoe

If you have the money, a kayak or canoe would seem like an ideal gift for an outdoorsy dad right? Wrong, because guess who gets to go paddle down the river with Dad. That’s right, forget that gorgeous Sunday afternoon that’s telling you to play 18 holes, because you will be working your deltoids rowing your dad around whatever river/creek is nearest to your family’s home. And if it’s not used, you can be sure to expect a call from your mother telling you to finagle up a kayak holder in your garage. Good work pal.

motorcycle

Don’t let it’s sleek exterior fool you, this is a one way ticket to your parents joining a lawyer biking group

3. A motorcycle

The ultimate gift for a father — especially if you have the money to pay for it. Dad’s always wanted a motorcycle, and it seems like the perfect gift for a 45 year-old, who’s about to buy one during his midlife crisis anyway. But this death trap is no place for a middle-aged man. At first you’ll feel great. You’ve made your father’s year by finally letting him live out his “Easy Rider” fantasies. Then comes the leather suit your dad buys for “functionality purposes.” Suddenly, two years down the line, your dad has stopped cutting his hair, and he’s decided to enter “early retirement” to travel around on his motorcycle with your mom. He’s cut the sleeves off his leather jacket to reveal a tattoo that says your name with a heart around it, and you suddenly realize that this downward spiral was all your fault.

4. A surround sound stereo set

Here’s a gift that every father would seemingly want: something to make him feel like he’s actually at the old ballgame, or making those re-watches of MASH seem like he’s actually in a military medic tent. What you haven’t thought about is who sets up that surround sound system. That’s right, you are going to have to go through the most frustrating setup ever — next to Ikea furniture. Once you finally get everything connected and you feel that sweet sense of relief, your dad — who has been patiently reading the manual during your struggle — doesn’t turn on MASH, football, or even the Food Network. No, your dad turns that dial squarely to talk radio and makes you sit on an uncomfortable stool and listen to NPR for the next hour with him.

5. A gym membership

There are few things worse than than your dad at gyms. Though you may think you are doing him a favor, this gift has one of three outcomes:1. Your dad is the “cool dad” at the gym. He totally gets it, taking advantage of trainers and classes. He starts to look great. Then one day you’re at the gym with your significant other/friend and they lean over and say, “break me off a piece of that guys baguette.” You then realize you’ve made a mistake. 2. Your dad doesn’t get the gym at all. He shows up in penny-loafers and is attempting to do sit-ups in the corner. After one particularly loud exercise-groan, he looks over at you and waves. You try to ignore him, but then he calls out your name, and you realize you’ve made a mistake. Or 3. You give your dad a gym membership to a gym where you don’t belong. He immediately feels ashamed, no matter how much you try to explain that you live on the opposite side of town. He slumps in his chair and begins listening to NPR, and you realize you’ve made a mistake.

6. A Bartending Kit

Dad sure loves a stiff cocktail, so why wouldn’t he love an awesome bartending set, complete with martini glasses, a jigger and dare I even say some high class whiskey stones? It starts off fun: Dad and you sharing a 12 year old blended scotch in one of his new tumblers (two ice cubes please!). Then you start getting call after call from your mother around 10 pm every Tuesday, telling you that your dad is having his “drinking buddies” over again. You’re dad then dips into his saving to make his own bar. Eventually he puts a neon sign in the window that says open, and only turns it on when your mom goes to bed. Then one day your dad decides to live out his — and every other male’s — lifelong dream of owning a bar. It consequently destroys him and his credit, and he’s forced to move in with you.

hair hat

more like “not so funny hair-hat”

7. One of those “funny” hats with hair attached

A classic gag joke for dad’s who are losing/have lost their hair. “Hilarious!” you think to yourself as you check out of CVS. You give it to your dad, and you and your mom share a good laugh at his expense. What you don’t depend on though, is your dad’s wheels are churning, “They think they can laugh at me? At me!?” He thinks. Well the jokes on you, because your dad has years of experience in the “no-shame” department. Suddenly he starts wearing the hat at social events like tailgates and casual dinner parties. Then he ups his game, and the hat comes out at graduations, family pictures, and then eventually your wedding. “Who’s laughing now?” Your dad thinks, as he runs his fingers through his plastic hair.

8. An iPad

iPads should be a great gift for all those tech savvy dads out there. It should be, but it isn’t. At first it will be great father bonding time. You’ll show him how to use it, and he’ll think you are just the greatest son/daughter in the world. Then your dad, in his copious amounts of free time starts discovering app after app. For any question, concern or just general comment, he tells you to download legions of “helpful” apps. “If you need to get your finances in order, you really should get Mint,” says your dad with a snide grin on his face. Then the dreaded day comes when he finds the Facebook app, links it with his Instagram feed, and begins tagging you in various posts of pictures around his back yard.

9. Adult diapers

Another gag gift along with the fake hair. You think you’re making a sly comment on your dad aging. Little do you know, your dad’s Google search history includes, “at what age can you start wearing Depends?” Once again, you and your mom give your dad a good ribbing after he opens his gift, but all he can think is, “I guess this answers my query.” He bides his time, but within the next three months you’re sitting around the patio having a beer, when your toddler goes in the corner and makes a face that says, “Guess what devil’s juice I’m depositing in my diaper right now.” Your dad then walks over and stands next to little Johnny/Suzie, and says, “great idea kid,” and only then do you realize what you’ve done.

10. An HBO subscription

Is there anything better than Sunday night HBO programming? It’s the best, so why wouldn’t you buy your dad a year long subscription? “That will really give him and Mom something to do on Sundays.” You think to yourself. But your dad has a lot of time on his hands, and lot of questions that can’t be satisfied with internet searches. “Maybe I should check out this ‘Game of Thrones’ that seems to be so popular.” He thinks to himself on a Saturday night after reading an IMDB post. The next thing you know he’s calling you non-stop asking about who you think the killer is on “True Detective,” or he bursts out in tears after someone mentions “The Red Wedding,” he then asks you to come over to watch the latest episode of “True Blood.” You oblige him and go over, and there you are: sandwiched between Mom and Dad and a vampire three way. Way to go sport. Way.to.go.

Internet Security Questions Leaves Man To Ponder His Childhood

internet security questionsTOPEKA, KS — Yesterday Gary Parsons logged into his online checking account only to be told that his bank was upgrading their security. His bank required Parsons to update his personal security questions. Parsons is no stranger to the internet and was prepared to answer typical questions like “mother’s maiden name,” or “name of favorite teacher.” What he wasn’t prepared for though, was a bevy of questions that made him analyze his childhood.

“There were questions like, ‘who was your favorite childhood superhero?'” said Parsons, “which kind of took me off guard. I mean I’m such a Batman fan now, but when I was little, I was partial to the Web-slinger (referring to Spiderman).” said Parsons clearly reliving his childhood.

“I also encountered a ‘favorite childhood sports figure,’ which was pretty uncomfortable because I absolutely loved watching OJ Simpson as a kid, but is that someone I want to have for an answer on my bank account?”

In addition to the childhood questions, Parsons said he encountered “security questions” that asked him intimate details of his life. “I was asked what my greatest fear is. I don’t think I’ve ever had, ‘that I will lose my all of my money, and I will die alone, having no sense of true accomplishment,’ as an answer to any sort of security question. I probably should have just answered, ‘heights.'” said Parsons.

In addition to answering his greatest fear, Gary Parsons also had to answer questions like, “At what age did you first feel love?” and “Do you think you will marry the right person?” and an even more bizarre question, “If global warming takes hold of planet earth and it is up to you to figure out the best way for the human race to survive, what would you do and why? And be specific.”

“That question was definitely a far cry from ‘make and model of your car?’ And to think that I was just checking to see if I had enough money in my account to splurge at Applebee’s this weekend.”

Local Man Has New Tupperware Conundrum

to-go containerPHOENIX, AZ — Styrofoam to go boxes used to be the exclusive way to take your food home. If you didn’t finish your meal, you’d ask for a box, take home your left overs, eat them while watching reruns of Dawson’s Creek and throw away the box. Recently though, there has been a new craze among restaurants, and carry-outs alike: Dishwasher safe, black Tupperware, to-go containers, and it has one man piping mad.

Larry Woods has been going to “Fetticino Mangino” — which has no Italian translation — for lunch everyday since 1998. Among his favorites are a chicken pasta with red sauce and a chicken pasta with white sauce. Recently though, Woods has had a problem with Fetticino, saying that their new tupperware to-go boxes are taking up to much room in his house. “It’s insane, I probably have upwards of 300 Tupperware containers.” said Woods, “Every time I eat there, I get a new Tupperware container, even if I tell them not to give me one. They hand these things out like Skittles!”

When asked why he keeps the free Tupperware, Woods said, “It’s free Tupperware that’s machine washable. If I wanted to burn money I would’ve called Turkey.” said Woods. “I’ve tried asking them to put my food in Tupperware that they’ve already given me, but they say it’s a health hazard. One time they even gave me an extra by mistake, and I tried to give it back but they said, ‘This one’s on us,” winked, and handed me the lid, as if they were doing me a favor.” said Woods.

“I don’t know how much more I can take. My wife has threatened me multiple times saying, ‘It’s either me or the Tupperware, Larry!’ I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve thought about buying a storage unit, and keeping all my Tupperware in there, or even trying to tie them all together and make my own island like that crazy guy in Mexico.”

“If I don’t think of something fast, I’m afraid I’m going to lose everything,” said Woods, who ironically, has the perfect place to store everything. “The worst case scenario is that I abandon Fetticino Mangino and start eating Mark Pi’s.”