CLARE, MI — Gas station attendant, Ron Malloy, doesn’t like the hot summer months. It’s filled with “tourists and foreigners,” according to the 58-year old Clare native. “They fill up our town with women showing too much skin, and men wearing baby clothes,” said the clearly delusional Malloy. Instead, Ron prefers the quiet months, particularly November through February. “There’s nothing better then winter in Clare.”
Why does Malloy love winter so much? “Our bathroom is outside with no heat. There’s nothing I love more than some blow-hard coming in, asking for the bathroom, and being able to hand him a key for our outside pisser. It makes my friggin’ day.” Said Malloy.
As the temperatures drop into negative degrees, Malloy’s passion for sending patrons to “dump one out in the cold” gets him through the week. “Everything about it makes me smile,” said Malloy, “from the bacteria ridden stick that the key is attached to, to the thought of people’s rears hitting that frigid plastic toilet seat. Sometimes I even add my own personal touches by first getting rid of all the toilet paper, and then urinating all over the floor. It’s the subtle nuances that make the experience.”
We caught up with one of the gas station attendee’s who unfortunately had to use the bathroom. “It was one of the worst experiences of my life. After eating a helping of fish-chili the night before, I needed a bathroom bad, and I couldn’t help but stop in Clare.” Said Bill Jarvis, who has a vacation home in Michigan, “When I walked in and asked to use the bathroom, the attendant grabbed the key and handed it to me, all while smiling a sheepish grin. I headed outside in what felt like -5 degree weather, opened the bathroom door, and the sight was something I’ll never forget, and I was in Korea. Urine was all over the walls and floor. Poop covered not only the toilet seat, but part of the sink. I wanted to leave but that fish-chili was knockin’ on my back door. When I handed the key back all I could think, was ‘this man has got to be some kind of sociopath with bodies buried in his backyard.’ The whole thing was a nightmare.” Said Jarvis while shuddering.
Malloy didn’t comment on Jarvis’ experience, but rather, laughed for three straight minutes.