Former NBA Coach Gives Cliche-Ridden Commencement Address

CoachingTRENTON, NJ — Former NBA basketball coach, Barry Lloyd, gave a commencement address at a local college on Sunday. Lloyd’s speech was riddled with cliches like “follow your passion,” “don’t let anyone tell you what you can’t do,” and  “you can achieve anything you put your mind to.”

Lloyd said he prepared for his speech just like he prepared during his former coaching days. “During timeouts I had a few go-to lines: ‘Every loose ball has got to be ours,’ ‘We’ve got to play harder,’ and ‘Box-out! Box-out! Box-out!’ Whooie! Those really got my players going.” Said Lloyd. “As for this commencement address, kids don’t need to hear my life-story about growing up in a struggling economy, or how I was raised by a single mother in a family of seven where I had to assume a fatherly role as a young boy, or how I had to work four different jobs just so my brothers and sisters could have food on the table. Naw heck! They don’t want to hear that. They just want the generic, ‘if you can dream it, you can do it,’ and ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.'” Said Lloyd.

Coach Lloyd said he never once drew up a play for his NBA squad, saying, “Plays are for sissies! If I wanted to draw plays, I would’ve been an art teacher. No way, no how! We went out and played our game:  rebounded, no turnovers, and free throws.” Said Lloyd, clearly reverting back to his old coaching days.

One of Lloyd’s former players, Darius Gardner said that he actually didn’t know if Lloyd had a basketball background. “There was one game where we were up by like 20, and Coach Lloyd in a timeout just kept shouting, ‘We gotta shoot the ball! We gotta shoot the ball! The second you get it, you shoot it!’ We did what coach asked, but in the end we lost by 15.”

Gardner’s suspicions were correct as Lloyd worked as a manager at Home Depot before getting his break in the NBA.


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