“We can’t wait for people to see what we have in store for them this summer. We really outdid ourselves.” Said Zoo Director, Bill Schlansky.
The new addition features hordes of parents threatening to hit, starve, and lock their children in the basement “where they belong.”
We asked Schlansky how they came up with the idea for the exhibit and he responded, “As a theme park, it just made sense. We see horrible parents everyday walking/riding/hobbling around our zoo, and it just made sense. Now our patrons don’t have to wait quietly for upwards of 5 minutes on a park bench to see a tattooed father in a cutoff smack his kid in the back of the head while saying ‘QUIT!’ Instead, they can just come to our Island, and immediately see that kind of fathering that sends kids into a downward spiral from an early age.”
Schlansky told us that the park has everything you can think of including:
- A 450 lb woman with 7 children on a leash
- Parents feeding their infants with Coke products
- A mother using a motorized scooter telling her kids to “slow the hell down or your not getting a ride home.”
When asked about his favorite new exhibit, Schlansky said, “Oh man, it’s gotta be the one where you enter an incredibly hot and sticky room, and this kid comes out of nowhere and kicks you squarely in the groin, laughs, and runs back to his Mom, who hands her son a corn-dog and is none the wiser. It’s really our crown jewel in terms of audience immersion.”
Schlansky said on Saturdays at 2 they’re also going to have a special exhibit where 15 & 16 year old “camp counselors” lose total control of their children, and the whole group ends up crying and yelling. This exhibit will take place in the loudest part of the zoo.