And they’re off! The Bachelorette 2014 is officially underway which means Chris Harrison is back with atrocious shirts, a lot of men will be crying in the near future, and someone will ultimately end up looking disappointed on the cover of People Magazine. This season stars Andi Dorfman as The Bachelorette. As far as I can tell, Andi spends her time in Atlanta as a broken fence inspector and a street graffiti judge. She then moonlights as a lawyer wherever she can find an empty courtroom. A little background on AD: She attended Wake Forest University Law School, passed the bar in 2012, and what does our girl Andi do with that seemingly expensive law degree? She throws it right into a brown box of of storage where it belongs. Why? Because she’s The Bachelorette betches!
After Andi goes to her biannual family blue shirt party, we get to meet her sister where Andi delivers her first gem of the season saying, “I don’t know what I did for 25 guys to fly across the country and meet me.” Apparently the BAR must be a little easier in Atlanta…
The next few segments were spent on what seemed like 18 limos carrying the guys who will spend the next 6 weeks courting Andi. Here’s some quit slants on the arrivals: Marcus emerged first, and Andi went all Juan Pablo on this young piece of ace, saying, “he’s hot. Hot. Hotttt. He’s just…well done ABC.” Chris, the Midwestern, Iowa farm boy followed Marcus. I am just going to assume that Chris is going to be an overall nice guy and everyone will love him, however Andi will instead go for a brooding bad boy with a sketchy past because she likes mysteries and broken fences. JJ, our first unemployed contestant followed Chris. Sorry did I say unemployed, I meant entrepreneur. Wait, sorry, I meant pantsapreneur, because that’s definitely a thing, in fact, I think The Wharton Business School just added that as a focus.
Our first token black guy emerged and he has a striking resemblance to comedian Hannibal Buress. Marquel is his name, and cookies are his game. I think the creators of Sesame Street were just given the gift of Cookie Monster’s origin story: Once he was just an ordinary man who loved cookies. Marquel then had his heart broken, turned into a furry blue creature, fiending after the only other thing that could satisfy his cold heart.
Our first ambiguously gay contestant followed the Cookie Monster. Tasos is his actual name but I’m pretty sure I’m going to call him Chacos for the remainder of the season.
Resident douche in the house: He’s Cody y’all, and he pushed that limo all the way from popped-blazer-collar town. Skipping over Rudie aka funny-man attorney, the next contestant of note was long hair -urgent care physician Jason. Here’s to hoping he never goes into pediatrics because he has “arrest me” written all over him. I’m gonna skip to the guy who had the best opening line ever and should’ve just won the game. Emil approached Andi and goes, “Hi I’m Emil.” Andi leans in like she didn’t hear him and he goes, “It’s like anal but with an ‘M,'” like he’s been saying that on the first day of class for the better part of his life. Give that guys a medal. The rest of the contestants read: long hair don’t care, bball coach, pro golfer, pro baseball player, token black guy #2, another long haired contestant with a laugh that would harmonize with Seth Rogen’s, and what’s this? A stalker outside the house.
The stalker was nothing more than a former contestant from Emily’s season. I can only speculate that the whole thing was a ploy to give Chris Harrison a medium to perform the best white-guy handshake/hug in the history of television.
Right off the bat a love story blossomed during the cocktail party. Yes, soul mates Andrew and Patrick really hit it off saying things like, “Me and Patrick, we’re kind of on a different level,” and “Ohh, you’re a Ferrari guy?” I can’t wait for their hot tub bro sesh, where they take off their pants and make out because “we’re just super comfortable with each other, and are both into Formula 1 racing.”
Post cocktail party and rose ceremony, Josh B had a nice angsty teen exit that came off like, “This sucks, I didn’t even wanna be here.” Followed by tears, which makes me think he cried a lot in gym class as a kid.
Here are the picks for our lavish group. The field is a lot more diverse with $90 in the pot, and the least amount of money someone would take home would be $22.50. A few people are also able to win the whole $90. Let the games begin.
Amanda – Nick V
Sam – JJ & Chris
Jon – Josh M & Chris
Caitlin – Josh M & Dylan
Dave: Chris & Marcus
Libby – Carl & Nick V
Anjali – Nick V & Andrew
Joey – Marquel & Marcus
Nick – Josh M
Sarah – Chris & Marcus