The 2014 season of The Bachelorette is only hours away and I am just giddy with anticipation. While I think Andi Dorfman will provide some of the entertainment, the best part about The Bachelorette is seeing grown men cry in front of an audience of millions. So while I sit here at work, I can’t help but want to make a top 5 list of what I am looking forward to this season on the Bachelorette. Without further ado:
1. Watching grown — and often large — men cry
Obviously this is in the list because I just mentioned it. There is something deeply riveting about watching a seemingly machismo male lose his shit on television. James won the douche award on last year’s Bachelorette, after releasing the waterworks when Desiree called him out and consequently let him go.
2. The ambiguously gay contestant
It happens every year, one of these male contestant’s hobbies will include cooking pastries in his favorite apron, being best friends with his mother, and he will utter the phrase, “Oh my God, I’m like terrible at sports.” Points go to Drew from last season.
3. The guy who says “I’m falling in love with you” way too early.
I love this guy for so many reasons. He either thinks he knows exactly how to play the game, or he catches feelings way too quick, and inevitably gets booted from the show for like the desperate ninny he is. A limo-cry will follow, while he (his name will probably be Rain or River let’s be honest) will say through his snotty nose and tears, “I just have such a big heart that no one ever appreciates.” River is so going to cry.
4. The “who let him on the show” contestant
Remember the one season with the guy who wore the mask for a few episodes, and everyone was like “whaaaa…?” That guy the “who let him on the show” contestent. He’s the guy who during the audition probably said something along the lines of “I have hundreds of friends. I build them out of plastic and they line my bed to protect me from the evil Zorne while I sleep.” The producers then realize they’ve stumbled on television gold. With no regard to other people’s safety they put a potential serial killer in his perfect playhouse.
5. Boy dance party
What do a bunch of guys do when they’re crammed together in a house with a pool and a seemingly unlimited amount of alcohol. No they don’t get super aggressive, they take their shirts off and party! The Bachelorette man-fests make Schmitds Gay look like a documentary.