The Bachelor Season Recap

Week 1 Recap

We are officially in the thick of things as 4 people saw at least one of their girls go down last night — and not in the way that would’ve kept them on the show. Victoria aka The Brazilian Betch wasted no time in showing everyone the 5 stages of lunatic. Tom myself and Isaac all had Victoria on our roster and as Tom put it, “It was like watching your prized horse break it’s leg rounding the first turn.” I would like to do one better, and say it was like watching your prized horse guzzle a trough of vodka red bull, proceed to break its leg and then blame it on being Brazilian, seriously that girl sucks. With Victoria ending up being the slut in the bathroom, our first money winner came in the form of Nicholas P. Graves! Who won the first of many $1 side bets. Libby “Asterisk” Craig also lost Amy L last night, after Amy whipped out a pretend on air interview with Juan Pabs. Nice try Amy but maybe performing an articulate interview in front of a guy who can barely say the words, “Weel you cepdees ros” wasn’t the best strategy. Everyone else still has two dogs in the fight. In other news, we decided it would be fun to do $1 side bets before each episode so that when inevitably people lose both girls, there is still fun to be had. You don’t have to participate but if you’d like to, bring your $1s. See you all next week!

 

Week 2

n 3 years. Kientz’s Chelsie came through in the clutch, jumping off a bridge and having an upside down MO session, making everyone in the 614 proud, and making Elise look like a fool! A FOOL! Speaking of Elise, we made a nice discovery for those not able to attend. It comes in the form of a Google Video search for “Yule Log Hotties” (NSFW…kinda)– that’s not how I remember being taught about Christmas traditions in the first grade. After Juan Pablo told everyone to “take off your Peeyama’s, and get in the poo,” and everyone got perverted (in the Venezuelan sense) in their swim suits, the dreaded Rose Ceremony offered zero drama. Lucy “Is this an event where I need to wear clothes?” Free Spirit got voted off, and judging from the amounts of “she seemed liked a really nice girl…” it was to the surprise of no one. Then the shocker of the night came when Chrystal? Christy? Kristen? Tristen? got voted off, prompting a gasp of “BAWHAAA?!” Christy’s sign off was that she wasn’t as open as the other girls. Really Christy? You weren’t open? No… When even the producers — who can make dicing tomatoes seem as dramatic as a Tom Hanks movie — can’t even come up with a viable soundtrack to make you more interesting, it might be time for you to go. There was no side bet this episode, however once again, any and all suggestions are welcome. First girl to cry? In what segment will Juan Pablo’s shirt come off? What color is Chris Harrison’s douchy shirt going to be? See you all next Monday.
 
Week 3

What’s the smell!? Probably all those girls after they diarrhea’d out all that Seoul food. That’s right The Bachelor went to South Korea, and proved that he’s got Seoul but he’s not a Seouldier(?). To kick off the show, our wonderful draft picks were told that they were headed to Seoul, South Korea, to which they replied with giddy laughter, and tiny, 2 inch vertical jumps. To everyone’s surprise not one of the girls asked if it was safe for United Statesians to go there — these girls must be some serious academics.

After the long voyage in which Danielle didn’t stop talking the whole time — it’s like shut up Danielle, could you be quiet for just one second — the ladies landed in Seoul, however it seems as if during the touchdown Nikki landed violently on a pair of chopsticks that got lodged firmly in her keister.

The first group date card was wildly ambiguous, leaving all the girls to wonder, “‘Pop?’ whaaa?” Cassandra led the hypothesis charge saying, “Pop? Popcorn? It could maybe be popcorn.” She’s a real mystery… Much to Nikki’s chagrin, the group date saw the girls become backup dancers for the wildly POPular kPOP group, 21. As Juan Pablo said, “twuandee juan ees assbig ass dee Spice Girls,” and made sure to finish that sentence with “back in dee day.” He then had to explain to Cassandra that the Spice Girls were a British Pop Girl band back when she was in diapers.

Instead of joining in on the date, Nikki decided to host her very own pity party, to which Kat was not invited! I can’t imagine the embarrassment she felt when she found out she would be dancing at the prestigious location of a South Korean mall. Danielle couldn’t say enough about dancing with her favorite Korean, Kpop Band.

Juan Pablo showered for 20 seconds and then went on a date with Sharleen…that happened, and Danielle was very vocal about it.

The next group date featured karaoke and street meat — sounds like s Friday night AmIRight!? — and what can only be described as Hannah Mealer’s own personal hell: a tiny public foot tub, where a bunch of tiny foot fish nibble on all the parts of your feet. Kelly, the dog lover, had the one liner of the date, where she accused old Crazy Clare of swallowing “bigger things” than a morsel of Octopus. “Big words coming a girl without her stupid Molly by her side” said Danielle,

The group date ended with Juan Pablo saying he “deedn’t want to kees anuhder girl beecaus hees dawder might be watcheeng.” That is until he met Clare, whom he deemed to hot not to make out with. That’s right children — there’s a lesson here, always put your kids best interest first, unless a smoke show with an ass that won’t quit comes along, and then you say, “Forget you Camil…whatever your name is.”

The Rose Ceremony provided us with some nice side bet action, on the last girl to get a rose. We also saw the departure of Lauren “I made a big mistake” S and Elise “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” first grade teacher. “I knew we had chemistry,” said Danielle, as the ABC producers smiled and nodded.

The next week The Bachelor is off to Vietnam, which makes everyone wonder which war-torn country will they visit next? Do I smell a side bet? My money’s on Serbia.

Week 4

Oh-me-oh-my-oh it looks like Clare’s gone psycho. Juan Pablo and his band of merry ladies took their talents to Bee-eht-nahm, for the most dramatic episode of the season. Boy, did the producers do a good job of making Vietnam look like a hot vacation spot; with the stray dogs rummaging the streets, the serene, dirt brown river, and not to mention that old toothless water buffalo guide, grabbing ALL the girls, and then playing, “What?! I’m foreign, I no understand,” card, while grazing Kelly’s inner thy.

The episode started with a one-on-one date between Juan Pablo and Renee. Considering both of them are single parents, it was confusing when it felt like I was watching an 8th grade date. Between Juan driving a bicycle taxi, oogling Renee’s bust size, and Renee talking about kissing Juan the entire time and not following through, I didn’t know if I was watching the Bachelor, or a weird Spasian hybrid of Boy Meets World.

The group date was the real meat and potatoes of the show, with Clare providing both the ground beef and the spuds. After traveling down what looked like the Scioto after a hefty rain fall, in the most ergonomic water crafts ever, the group invaded a native Vietnamese home — thank goodness it’s not the 1960’s — where they went to work in the family’s garden. Cassandra provided some of her deep insight about the date saying, “We walk outside and see this garden and there’s a large garden!” Someone let her write a book.

As the night progressed, Juan clearly hit his hornball stage and let his inner sleezeball shine. He took Clare back to his suite where they got a little frisky in the pool. He then called Clare, “en llama” which I can only assume means, “I hope she comes over at 4 am tonight, so we can explore each other’s parts in the ocean.” The biggest highlight of the night however may have been that Diva Danielle said actual words, in an impromptu sentence, that the producers allowed to be on television.Shocking.

Crazy Clare apparently didn’t get enough of that sweet brown sugarcane, so she did what any “kooky” girl would do: wait until 4 am, put on a slutty bathing suit, and go rouse Juan from his slumber. JP took a bite out of what Clare was selling at 4 am and what followed was possibly the most unsubtle narration ever. We get it, Clare let Juan put his Churro in her pie hole in the deep brown sea. Clare even went so far as to say that it was like the birth of a baby giraffe?– He was clearly good enough to jar her brain loose.

The next date was a one-on-one with Nikki, where she and Juan went cave diving. Sorry Nikki, you weren’t the first girl in Vietnam to see Juan get inside a dark hole. Nikki panicked during the cave dive, which prompted her to say that she might poop her pants. Juan immediately got behind her for support. Who said chivalry was dead?

The cocktail party provided some added drama when Clare went all sorts of stage 5 clinger, after Juan Pablo tried to let her that the Venezuelan meat market was closed for business. Juan said, “For sample, I ave a dawdder, eh see, too me ees hard, beecus I don wanner to see what happen between us.” Clare then threw a nice 3rd grade tantrum, after losing her Latin toy. To no ones surprise, Kelly the dog lover, Alli, and, say it ain’t so, Danielle, were all not given a rose. Danielle held her head with pride, not shedding a single tear. She basically shrugged her shoulders, and said, “Ehhhh,” while walking to her limo. Atta girl Danielle, you chatty diva. With those three girls gone we now are guaranteed that at least one person will lose a girl each week from here on out. We also have a great side bet for next week, and it isn’t “What week will Clare realize she’s pregnant?” the side bet is “Who’s the girl that doesn’t come home from the one-on-one next week??” Let the madness continue!

Week 5

I blame the lateness of this post on Michigan, because…why the hell not.

Down goes Kat — and not on Jaun, ZING! That’s right, Monday’s episode featured our latest bachelorette to be removed from competition, and thus ends Tom’s reign of terror…but first let’s recap:

This week the girls and the man-hunk traveled to “Newsie Land.” A place like none other to find love: Newsie Land has romantic wild horses, rolling green hills, waterfalls…HOBBITTON! Holy Gandolf the Gray! Girls, get ready to drop your Elven pants cause this fantasy island just got dirty sexy. Nothing screams romance like tiny midgets with ape feet, running around sporting green capes. In all seriousness though New Seal Land is pretty cool, I have to agree with Juan on his apt observation that it has “rivers and mountains” and stuff — also don’t forget the Sulfur mines, where you can smell what it would be like to climb inside a rectum.

Andi got the first date card, in which she and Juan ventured to The Squeeze. The two hopped into the water and navigated a narrow rock formation. Thank goodness Andi was wearing a onesie, in order to get through that treacherous terrain. Andi and Juan made their way to a geyser-side dinner. However the meal was ruined by one of nature’s miracles. Seriously mother earth, the next time you decide to spray your filthy H2O all over the place, how bout a little forewarning. I mean really, is it that hard to pick up a phone? “Hey, I’ve had long day, I’m probably going to blow off a little steam…that might result in a light misting on your dinner date.” We’re trying to watch people eat here, not see a phenomena of the earth. Can she not get enough attention, who are you? Clare?!

The focal point of the group date was Cassandra, who undoubtedly became HIMYM’s “Oh Honey” of the show. Cassandra, after confiding in Renee, let everyone — except Juan — know that it was her birthday. Then, after a wild ride in a giant hamster ball, Cassandra reassured everyone, again, except the man who gives the points, that it was her birthday. Well Casssandra, Happy birthday to y..”Cassandra, can eyee tok to you, en sen you on ay 12 hour flieeght ‘ome.” In Cassandra’s defense, she really took the Danielle road and held her head high on her way out, never pulling the birthday card out of her back pocket. I still can’t wait for her that book she’s writing.

Clare received the final Juan-on-Juan date of the episode, where her and Juan shared a romantic picnic on a boulder covered river embankment. What in the hell Bachelor? You literally spent the opening of the show displaying how green News Eal Land is, and you chose to put a Picnic on a riverbed? Nothing screams, “Date night!” like that old game, “Guess What Kind of Rock Is In My Ass.” During the date, Juan and Clare talked about what happened during that kooky night in Vietnam, and Crazy Clare gave some eyes that said, “If you ever leave me, I’ll cut off your damn Venezuelan soccer playing legs, and use them on a life-size Foosball table.”

The Rose Ceremony followed Juan and Clare’s and low and behold it came down to Chelsie and Kat. What was bizarre about this was that both of them knew it was down to them. Chelsie came out the victor, as it was Kat who packed her bags and headed back across the Pacific and thus Tom, picking party girls, Victoria, and Kat, is officially out of the money.

Quick Hitters: Thanks Chelsie for representing Ohio so well by saying New Z Land, “Kind of reminds me of Ohio, but we don’t have hills.” – clearly she’s only ventured on that strip of i-70 W between Springfield and Vandalia, which is just gorgeous this time of year. How many Bachelor writers let out a sigh of relief when Sharleen turned out to be a Lord of The Rings super fan. I mean she went so far as to say, “This is F$*# cool.” If Juan wants a roadmap to Sharleen’s heart you better believe it has Spiderman wielding a lightsaber, driving the Batmobile, all the while, playing an intense game of Stratego with Stan Lee. The funniest Pablism — as I’m referring to them now — came during the credits when Juan started an impromptu “New Sea Land Snowball Fight” AKA throwing sheep poo at girls: “Oo ever steps in dee most poops weens!” Apparently it’s okay when a Venezuelan starts chucking sheep poo around. God that guy is a smooth operator.

Next week the girls travel to the exotic location of…Miami? Budgetcutssaywhat?

Week 6

 

What’s that I hear on the breeze? Is it Juan Pablo whispering sweet broken English in a girls ear, or perhaps it’s a feline fight between Clare and Nikki? NO! It’s Sarah and Sam’s odds of wining decreasing by 50%. Put that in Juan Pablo’s shorts and smoke it…what?

The episode stayed with the theme of countries that have been through horrific civil wars, and put the girls in gorgeous Miami, Florida (I reached, so what). Juan surprised his daughter by showing up at his parents house where Juan hung by the pool, and talked with his cousin named Radolfo, Rolofo, or RollOver. I’m not entirely sure.

Whatever his name, RollOver provided some snazzy, unscripted dialogue with Juan Pablo, while showing off those pearly white, adult braced teeth. Nothing like a cousin who you “talk to every day,” and are “incredibly close” with, but there is no way in hell you’d ever let come out on the town with you.

Meanwhile back at the outrageous hotel, the girls got a gift from the producers: skimpy bathing suits. That’s right ladies, we need more sex appeal than just prude Clare, boning out in the ocean.

Juan wasted no time delivering the first date card. Different from previous dates, no rose would be given, but rather the girl on the date would have a longer time to have spend with Sweat Box McGooch (check the Quick Hitters).

Charleen was handed the date card, and then asked, “What? You want me to read it?” Thank heavens she dates intellectuals, otherwise what would she do with all of her mail? The date had Charleen and JP take a very large boat — but not the biggest boat! — to a small private island. Charleen had been having trepidation about the date from the beginning, wanting more of a “cerebral connection,” than just that hot bod. It was a make or break date for the Manic Hispanic, and what does my boy Juan do? He busts out some rhetoric about the duality of man, and how maybe we’re all just metaphysical shadow’s dancing on a wall…wait….No, Juan instead, dropped the newest Pablism: “I Lieek duh wers(words) you use. I am learneeng.” And thus, the proverbial nail was slammed in the coffin. However Sharleen didn’t let her disappointment stop her from getting some of that Latino Jalapeno in the ocean. Look out Clare.

Nikki was the next to receive a date card from Juan, and boy was it good. I would like to think that Juan had to pitch this date to the producers: “Peecture dis guyees: I take Neekki to my dawders reecital, where Camila’s mother weel also be.” The producers then give him two thumbs up, and walk away saying to each other, “Wow I was going to suggest another boat date.” “Yeah, I was going to say ‘private island.'”

What followed was a bizarre ordeal, especially when you factor in the fact that a film crew for a smutty show –albeit, the best smutty show — came in and started filming a young girls dance recital in front of all their parents. And then blah blah blah Nikki said some stuff and made out with Juan, and then the date ended.

Meanwhile back at the overpriced hotel room…Sharleen let the girls know that she was leaving, to which Clare responded, “Wait so you’re telling us, and then you’re going to tell him?” Sharleen responded in the affirmative, and Clare’s crazy eyes said, “Good! Verbal contracts are binding in Miami-Dade county!”

Sharleen made her way to Juan Pablo’s room and let him know that she was leaving. She almost ended a sentence with a preposition, which would’ve made her whole, “I’m a smarty, Juan’s a dumby” argument null and void, but alas, a comma saved the day. After Sharleen left, Juan offered up an old Venezuelan proverb, “I’d radder be honest en not appreciated, den not honest, and appreciated.” Where was that knowledge on the boat with Sharleen, Juan?! How bout you drop that bomb when it counts, instead of pointing and saying “Moon. Stars.”

The group date offered a uniquely original idea, having the girls arrive on the private island by plane instead of by boat. Andi was the recipient of the rose, and also of Death-Glare-Clare’s crazy eyes.

All of the other girls went back to the hotel, to let Andi and Juan share an awkward dance, and Clare and Nikki squared off in what can only be described as the most confusing argument ever:
“Leave my room.”
“This is not your room! Did you pay for it?”
“No, did you?”
“No.”
“So it’s just open space then?”
…..

Well I’m glad they can agree on something.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony provided nothing of real interest except for what felt like 10 minutes of silence when Clare and Nikki had to be in the same area by themselves. Chelsie ultimately had to take a plane back to Cosi, which wasn’t all that surprising, as she didn’t have that one quality Juan was looking for in a girl: a real firm…personality.

Quick Hitters: What in the world is wrong with Sharleen? The whole time she was saying, “I have the best time with Juan Pablo. Everything is easy, it just feels right/I can’t stop kissing him,” while also dropping that “I rarely let myself feel happy.” Holy therapist Batman!…Speaking of therapy, if Renee’s real estate career fails, she clearly has a career in counseling. At this point I’m wondering if the girls think that The Bachelor hired a Social Worker to deal with all of their issues…What in the world do they put in the water in Miami to make it pass through Juan Pablo’s pours like a sieve? His shirt went from damp, to wet, to Robin Williams under a heat lamp.

Next week looks to build on the drama hashed out in Miami. Prediction: Andi’s unpredictable southern Dad utters the words, “I don’t “Juan’t” my daughter dating some hanky panky Spanish fairy!” Clare throws a nice 4 year, toy store old tantrum, and audience members nationwide have the “Does agreeing to go into the Fantasy Suite count as consent?” debate.

Week 7

Hometowns! Hometowns! Hometowns! We’ve made to the point in the show where we take a break from exotic islands, cavernous landscapes and South Beach, to visit the people responsible for raising our whacky contestants.

To begin, the producers of this episode LOVED shots of animals to really set the scene of each specific hometown. Naturally, Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, began with a shot of cows roaming a crowded feed farm. Thank you Bachelor — those west coasters really needed more assurance that cows define us simple folk in the midwest. Nikki and Juan took off to explore what makes Kansas City the greatest city in Missouri. Nikki decided to wow Juan’s tastebuds with some traditional Kansas City BBQ, followed by a ride on a mechanical bull. Yes, Kansas City — which can be found on the same latitudinal line as staple southern cities like Cincinnati and Washington D.C. — was made to look like the original home of the Cowboy cattle rancher. After the “date,” the duo went on their way to Neekee’s home. Juan made his rounds through Nikki’s family until he encountered her father…The Most Boring Man in The World — He once had a 40 minute conversation about Cashews, with himself. His New Years Eve party occurs at 8 O’Clock post meridiem and you can bet you’ll be home no later than 9:30. He once had a date at H&R Block, he is…The Most Boring Man in The World. — In all seriousness though, Nikki’s Dad was really nice, and I have no idea how he raised such a cat-clawed daughter (unless he’s not her father, take a look at the left hand folks!).

Next on the hometown docket was “Goosetown.” If you don’t know that reference, you’re not alone, because Atlanta has never been called “Goosetown” since it’s inception. That didn’t stop the Bachelor producers from starting this hometown date with a shot of Geese frolicking about in a nice, green park in the middle of Hotlanta. Andi chose not to take her man to a BBQ diner, and instead took Juan Pabs to a gun range. Andi fired off a bulls eye first shot and basically made Juan look like a little ninny boy. Juan did not earn the nickname “Hispanic Mechanic,” as it took him a 4-5 shots to actually hit the target. The producers didn’t help Juan’s appearance either when they juxtaposed Juan shooting what looked like a tiny little water pistol, while Andi unloaded a semi-automatic boom-stick right next to him.

As they made their way into Andi’s home, the audience found out that Andi’s Dad’s name is Hy (pronounced Hi). I have no Hydea why there wasn’t a super awkward exchange that involved a back and forth confusing exchange of “Hy’s” and “hello’s” . Anywho, Juan and Andi told Andi’s parent the story of how their love had unfolded, and nothing sounds more stupid than explaining just exactly how The Bachelor works to your parents, and then explaining that you’re ready for a marriage commitment. It’s kind of like telling your parents that you’re packing up and moving to North Korea, because it’s the land of opportunity. Andi’s parents provided a spectrum of emotion. Andi’s mother Patty(?) wanted to take Jaun out back and have herself a little salsa snack, while Hy, after pouring himself a stiff glass of scotch, made Juan Pablo so nervous, he looked like Rick Moranis the first time he shrunk the kids. I’m not even going to include a Pablism, because the whole exchange between Juan and Hy (never in my life did I ever think those two names would appear together) left everyone saying, “Wha deh ee jus sayee?”

Pelicans can only mean one thing. We’re in Florida!!! Renee and Juan met in a park where Renee’s son joined them. There was literally nothing that can be said about this hometown. Renee’s family was cool. They watched Renee’s son, Ben, who is a pitcher, play baseball, where he had a double play. Renee’s dad was neat. She seems like a great Mom. I literally have nothing, other than Juan Pablo looked like a latin drug dealer the first time he met Renee’s son in the park. Renee deserves better.

Clare however was a different story. First, bee’s and squirrels obviously represent Sacramento, California. The producers wanted to go with birds and bees, because of the intense ocean heat, but instead went with Squirrel’s and bees, because squirrels love nuts. Clare wasted no time in reminding us of her brain power: “I brought Juan Pablo to the pask of roses. This is really significant to me because…it’s a park, and I spent a lot of my childhood in parks.” Yeah, me too lady, but you don’t see me reminiscing about Goodale park while “Crazy Gary” plays with himself in a bush next to the Gazebo. As Juan and Crazy Clare made their way to Clare’s home, Juan found out that Clare was one of six sisters. He finally could breathe easy as he had no masculine father to deal with and could let his inner Latin lover shine. As we were introduced to Clare’s family it was immediately noted that Clare’s mother and father propagated children in at least the 1960’s 70’s and 80’s and possibly, as we were introduced to Large Laura (Lara?) the 1950’s. Large Laura is nicknamed as such because of her larger than life personality, that couldn’t be handled by just one camera. Laura had that classic “James Bond Villain” archetype — She had a dog that she stroked incessantly, a deep desire to take control of the family from their “Mama,” and was enjoyed lurking in the shadows for no apparent reason. I think we found the reason that Clare has a case of the crazies.

The rose ceremony offered nothing! Renee went home, and no one in our betting pool lost a lady. Juan Pablo has clearly perfected the lower lip quiver. Seriously, how do you got from, “Oh wow, you girls look gray!” to crying your beady little, Tropic of Cancer eyes out. Renee went home, but tomorrow it looks like the Fantasy Suite dates go horribly ary, which begs the question, “Syphilis or Micro-penis?”

Quick Hitters from the 2nd night: It wasn’t a micro-penis at all! Instead Andi didn’t like Juan’s “into himself” attitude, name dropping, and apparently hates the word, “okay.” Easily the funniest part of the episode and possibly the season, was when Juan Pablo thought he had Andi cornered in their argument, asking her, “Wha Reeligion am I?” Got her! Except he didn’t. Andi fired back immediately, “Catholic.” Boom! Lawyered! Juan’s face of defeat could not have been more priceless. I have no doubt that Juan is the raging douche he plays on the show, but I think Andi may have cost herself a spot on The Bachelorette with that performance especially the, “Are my standards just too high?” comment. I wonder if she can see Savannah up there on her high horse? With Andi going down, Emily, Sarah, Alex, Hannah, Joey and Caitlin all lost girls last night. With next week being the Women Tell All.

Week 8 (Finale)

As the saying goes, “All good things must come to a fiery train wreck of an ending that leaves everyone uncomfortable”…or something to that effect. Yes, The Bachelor ended last night in the most “ehhh?” way possible. Tears were shed, audience members invaded the left corner of televisions, and Juan Pablo made a perfect ass of himself. Before we get to the recap, congrats to Emily (birthday girl!), Caitlin, Sam, Nick, and Jesse, as they were the recipients of $22 dollars for picking Neekki. I hope you’re happy, ya hyenas.

The first part of the show had Crazy Eyes Clare, and Big Ideas Nikki each meeting Juan Pablo’s family in Saint Lucia. Juan came to meet his family carrying…TWO CHILDREN!? Who’s this second dawdder you’ve been hiding Juan!? You Latin son of a bi…oh it’s your niece. Clare showed her immediate knack for children when she requested a handshake from a 5-year-old. She also showed off her brainy side when she said that she was the only one of her massive, anti-birth control family to not speak Spanish. Way to get bicultural meeting off on the right foot.

Part of me thinks the next True Detective series should be about two grizzled cops finding clues as to what in the hell Juan Pablo did to make his mother so passive aggressive toward her son.

Here’s a little bullet point of Juan’s mother to both Nikki and Clare
– He’s rude
– He makes me cry
– He will wake up and watch TV all day
– He is simple
– I am “pretty sure” he is ready for marriage
– He’s not easy
– I LIKE RODRIGO MORE!

Real 5 star rating of your son there Mom.

Pablism came when Mother Galavis told Clare, “Ee’s eeperacteeve…super eeperacteeve.” Clare’s face made me think that she was saying to herself, “Hmmm ‘eeperacteeve?’ I’m gonna have to look up what that means wh.”

ADULT BRACES IS BACK WITH A VENGENCE. Rodolfo is here and he’s not gonna take some BS from some mamby pamby bachlorettes. He’s here to ask tough questions and look nervous doing it. He is…Rodolfo.

The father played the “genuine guy” card, and we found out Juan has a brother Rodrigo who would be great for former bachelorette, Danielle.

Clare’s final takaway was that she knew Juan was “raised right.” Whoops.

It was then Nikki’s turn to meet the family and she received the hardest question from Juan’s mother when she was asked, “Ow is dee Iceland?” She clearly has been around Juan Pabs enough to know how to answer a question phrased in horridly broken English, as she didn’t even stumble. Nikki responded saying that the weather was hot — something that anyone would know if they just observed Juan’s shirt.

RODOLFO IS BACK AGAIN BETCHES! Here to ask the questions no one will ask — “How are you with fighting, because relationships have that…I think.” It’s Rodolfo! He’s here to say that Latino’s are perverted, wait sorry, “passionate as hell.” Rodolfo!

Rodrigo also really laid the verbal lumber saying, “Nikki’s a good choice, and Clare is a good choice also.” Someone call the presses because Rodrigo just landed a hard left hook.

Chris Harrison vetted the audience to which the only thing of note was a man who was coaxed into standing up and talking. Well done sir. You hold your head high. Then Chris took his talents to a slew of previous Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, most of whom had no business being there – but it made for some great awkward tension. Throwback: I can only imagine what Chris (from Desiree’s season) was thinking seated two people down from Brooks, the man who Des said she would’ve picked had he not left on his own accord. I bet he had some classic Chris poetry floating around in his head. Duh-ram-uh.

Clare’s one-on-one proved to be ridiculous as Juan let a panty dropper fly in the helicopter. Because I know some mothers read this, I will replace the expletive, with the phrase “lobster fishing.” As Juan and Clare helicoptered to a romantic cliff in Saint Lucia, Juan leans over and says, “I don’t know you, but I loved Lobster Fishing (with) you.” To which Crazy Clare was none too pleased. If you don’t want Juan to talk about lobster fishing with you, than don’t go lobster fishing late at night in the ocean. For starters, it’s dangerous with the sharks and the general cleanliness of the ocean, and also you know this guy is a hornball, so for him to tell you he “loved lobster fishing,” it might be the highest compliment the Latino Bambino is capable of paying.

Clare almost achieved some sweet redemption by confronting JP about the lobster fishing comment, and really had him on the ropes, until Juan whipped out a second trick in his bag – and it wasn’t his lobster fishing spear. He pulled out his iPhone and played that god awful song by that god awful singer that The Bachelor shelled out tens of twenties of dollars to get to sing during Juan and Clare’s first date. The fact that the audience had to bear that song a second time…Juan really is a mother lobster fisher.

Neekki and Juan’s date was super boring. The whole time was spent manufacturing drama around whether Juan would say, “I love you.” Spoiler alert: he didn’t.

The next day Clare made her march of death down to see Juan Pablo where she told him, most importantly, that she believes in him. Whoops! Juan apparently likes Nikki’s ideas more than Clare’s. She actually held her own, and drew some audience applause, especially when she said, “ What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.” BOOM Clare! Grab the SPF 90 and call the ICU nurse because Juan just got burned!

Nikki then made her way to Juan where he gave her a rose, and they decided to date resulting in the least climactic ending possible. “BOO!” I imagined thousands of Americans saying while finishing their wine.

Quick Hitters: I pity the sound guy that had to mix that stupid song on Juans iPhone with the actual music and then back to the iPhone and back to the music…and then back to the iPhone. For a few minutes I thought Shawn and Juan (rhyme much?) were going to throw down over differing “bachelor ideologies.” Incredibly, Chris Harrison came off as more of a douche than Juan when he tried to go all “To Catch a Latino Predator,” and get Juan to say he loved Nikki. Andi is the next Bachelorette! Good for her, I love a good lawyer who doesn’t learn a thing from their mistakes.

And with that the season is in the books. It’s wild to think that this all stemmed from our “crazy Clare” idea to gamble on peoples happiness. I hope everyone had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. Here’s hoping that Andi provides as much entertainment as Juan, “Eenglish ees nah myee firs lanwidge” Pablo.

 

 

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