Gas Station Attendant Loves Horrid Bathroom

Word down gas stationCLARE, MI — Gas station attendant, Ron Malloy, doesn’t like the hot summer months. It’s filled with “tourists and foreigners,” according to the 58-year old Clare native. “They fill up our town with women showing too much skin, and men wearing baby clothes,” said the clearly delusional Malloy. Instead, Ron prefers the quiet months, particularly November through February. “There’s nothing better then winter in Clare.”

Why does Malloy love winter so much? “Our bathroom is outside with no heat. There’s nothing I love more than some blow-hard coming in, asking for the bathroom, and being able to hand him a key for our outside pisser. It makes my friggin’ day.” Said Malloy.

As the temperatures drop into negative degrees, Malloy’s passion for sending patrons to “dump one out in the cold” gets him through the week. “Everything about it makes me smile,” said Malloy, “from the bacteria ridden stick that the key is attached to, to the thought of people’s rears hitting that frigid plastic toilet seat. Sometimes I even add my own personal touches by first getting rid of all the toilet paper, and then urinating all over the floor. It’s the subtle nuances that make the experience.”

We caught up with one of the gas station attendee’s who unfortunately had to use the bathroom. “It was one of the worst experiences of my life. After eating a helping of fish-chili the night before, I needed a bathroom bad, and I couldn’t help but stop in Clare.” Said Bill Jarvis, who has a vacation home in Michigan, “When I walked in and asked to use the bathroom, the attendant grabbed the key and handed it to me, all while smiling a sheepish grin.  I headed outside in what felt like -5 degree weather, opened the bathroom door, and the sight was something I’ll never forget, and I was in Korea. Urine was all over the walls and floor. Poop covered not only the toilet seat, but part of the sink. I wanted to leave but that fish-chili was knockin’ on my back door. When I handed the key back all I could think, was ‘this man has got to be some kind of sociopath with bodies buried in his backyard.’ The whole thing was a nightmare.” Said Jarvis while shuddering.

Malloy didn’t comment on Jarvis’ experience, but rather, laughed for three straight minutes.

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Former NBA Coach Gives Cliche-Ridden Commencement Address

CoachingTRENTON, NJ — Former NBA basketball coach, Barry Lloyd, gave a commencement address at a local college on Sunday. Lloyd’s speech was riddled with cliches like “follow your passion,” “don’t let anyone tell you what you can’t do,” and  “you can achieve anything you put your mind to.”

Lloyd said he prepared for his speech just like he prepared during his former coaching days. “During timeouts I had a few go-to lines: ‘Every loose ball has got to be ours,’ ‘We’ve got to play harder,’ and ‘Box-out! Box-out! Box-out!’ Whooie! Those really got my players going.” Said Lloyd. “As for this commencement address, kids don’t need to hear my life-story about growing up in a struggling economy, or how I was raised by a single mother in a family of seven where I had to assume a fatherly role as a young boy, or how I had to work four different jobs just so my brothers and sisters could have food on the table. Naw heck! They don’t want to hear that. They just want the generic, ‘if you can dream it, you can do it,’ and ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.'” Said Lloyd.

Coach Lloyd said he never once drew up a play for his NBA squad, saying, “Plays are for sissies! If I wanted to draw plays, I would’ve been an art teacher. No way, no how! We went out and played our game:  rebounded, no turnovers, and free throws.” Said Lloyd, clearly reverting back to his old coaching days.

One of Lloyd’s former players, Darius Gardner said that he actually didn’t know if Lloyd had a basketball background. “There was one game where we were up by like 20, and Coach Lloyd in a timeout just kept shouting, ‘We gotta shoot the ball! We gotta shoot the ball! The second you get it, you shoot it!’ We did what coach asked, but in the end we lost by 15.”

Gardner’s suspicions were correct as Lloyd worked as a manager at Home Depot before getting his break in the NBA.

 

Man With Lighter App Struggles to Make Friends

Lighter AppBUCYRUS, OHIO – Mickey Poorman told us that after years of using his smartphone “lighter app,” that he still struggles to make friends.

“I thought this thing would turn my life around. I mean look at it!” Said Poorman while turning on his fake lighter, and waving his phone around. Apparently the lighter app has caused more harm than good, as Mickey routinely gets ridiculed, being called names like, “tool boy,” “that freak show with a fake lighter,” and “Mickey the flamer.”

Mickey said he tries the same routine every weekend: He goes to the local bar and waits outside for local patrons to take a smoke break. When someone asks for a lighter, Mickey strolls right up and says, “Sure do!” pulls out his smartphone and opens his lighter app, while grinning like the idiot he would appear to be. “People typically respond with a heavy sigh on a good day. On bad days I’ve had a brick thrown at my face,” said Mickey, “That wasn’t fun.”

When asked why he hasn’t changed his process of making friends Mickey said, “I don’t know what’s not to love. I mean it’s a lighter…on your phone! The jokes practically light themselves!” Mickey said laughing to himself. “I would think more people would want to call old Mickey Poorman a friend.” He said referring to himself in the third person.

When asked if he uses his smartphone lighter in any other venue, he replied, “Oh yeah! Nothing livens up a Daughtry concert like my smartphone lighter waving in the air. The band loves it.”

Mickey said the lighter is his “go to” app, but his other favorites include the Lightsaber app, the Koi Pond app, and Tinder, where he said he’s “hoping to meet someone who shares my affinity for kick-ass smartphone apps.”

 

 

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

andi dorfman

Source: ABC

Week 2 is in the books and we saw Libby’s prized stead go down! But first let’s get to the episode:

Chris Harrison gave his preliminary talk to Andi, asking if she was ready for the week ahead. Does anyone else feel like Chris Harrison’s theme song this season should be Biz Markie’s “Just A Friend.” He seems especially awkward this year around Andi, almost like he’s finally realizing he’s divorced and aging, and no one seems to like his shirts.

Andi’s first date was with Eric and they showcased a fantastic California clichè: “Braaa, in what other state can I go get my beach-chill on and shred my gnar gnar snowboarding in the same day?” We get it California…we get it. After Louie Vito got all handsy on Andi, Eric showcased his snowboarding ability, and how he is a great guy which consequently got him a rose. Congratulations ABC, you’ve succeeded in creating some of the hardest television to watch. First off, it is a shame Eric died. He seems like a genuinely terrific person. I get what ABC was doing when it decided to keep his scenes and “make this season a tribute to him,” but come on. When the guy starts talking about how he has a few exciting things he wants to mark off his bucket list, how many people watching wanted to go all Michael Scott, grab him and yell, “Don’t do it! For God-sake’s don’t!”

Following Eric’s date came a fantastic group date for so many reasons. We’ll get to “Mr. Fireball” Craig in a minute, but first let’s break down the male strippers erotic dancers. First of all I love that Cody — who looks remarkably like a douchier Sean Lowe — stuffed his package to impress Andi, but also had the foresight to “not make it unrealistic.” After a contestant bared his goat for Andi, Chris Harrison once again delivered a fantastic moment when he “reluctantly” (and I use that word loosely) spanked one of the contestants, and that’s why he’s the host. Basketball coach and teacher, Brian then told Andi during a one-on-one session that he was nervous but hopes he made his kids proud. Yes Brian, I’m sure you made your kids proud by taking off all your clothes and turning in an 18+ performance for the night. In fact why don’t you go put that on your resumé right now, I’m sure a ton of schools would love to invite that lawsuit.

craig bachelorette

Source: ABC

Ohhh Craig. Craig, Craig, Craig. Where to start. First of all, to the dude who was giving Craig shit for ripping shots before the strip show, he can go back to the vegan party he came from. If I’m going to go out and strip for a group of rowdy females, you better believe I’m gonna down some liquid courage before hand. Granted maybe Craig should have slowed down his crusade of binge drinking, but at least he wasn’t an asshole. In fact, I would say he was one of the most friendly people on the date, especially when he was talking about his man-crush Josh M. The best part though, came when Craig AMA’d Andi and lead with, “What do you like least about your parents?” I can only imagine what would have happened had Andi turned it around on Craig. I’m pretty sure would’ve seen some sort of rendition of Craig doing his best impersonation of “Drunk Uncle,” followed by him crying in Andi’s lap.

The next day Andi went on a date with Chris, who is quite possibly my favorite contestant to ever grace the show. During their date Andi and Chris went to a horse racing track that even ABC couldn’t doll up. Instead of a classed up place like Keeneland, they got Scioto Downs on a Thursday afternoon, complete with a bunch of background riff-raff and a kid playing with his grandma’s walker. Chris and Andi took their seats next to the only other couple not dressed in jorts and beaters, who completely ignored the cameras and asked them how long they had been dating…coughplantedcouplecough.

The date concluded with Chris and Andi dancing to the obligatory acoustic band that no one has heard of, even though Chris probably said something like, “I can’t even believe I’m here. Dancing with the woman of my dreams, and having This Wild Life play a private show for us.”

"I'm not a jock, but check out my mean stiff-arm"

“I’m not a jock, but check out my mean stiff-arm” Source: ABC

Cocktail Party Quick Slants: Josh M had a fantastic boob glance right when Andi walked in. No part of it was subtle. Surprise, surprise, Bradley sung opera at Andi. I’ve decided singing opera for a single person is up there with demonstrating your MC skills for someone, it’s just loud, in your face, and really, who cares? (Unless your Juan Pablo, but let’s be serious I’m pretty sure he just wanted to see how wide Sharleen could open her mouth.) What would Andi do if Craig sang out of tune? Would she stand up and tell him he’s a drunk? Hey Craig, I bet I can guess what your parents like least about you…and Josh M showed Andi his stiff-arm.

Nick S, Craig, and Carl were all eliminated last night, and Andi delivered her first BS of the season telling Craig, “I respect you so much.” Yeah, and I enjoy licking sand paper. You better believe Craig was doing shots all the way to the airport while talking about his stupid parents.

Expanding Cell Phone Sizes Send Pocket Makers into Frenzy

James Hackendorf is in a panic. He has been making pants pockets for the better part of 25 years. He’s seen his fair share of ups and downs, but lately, he has started looking for a new career.

“I just don’t know how much bigger we can make pockets,” said Hackendorf, “You can only go so wide and so deep before the whole pant becomes one big pocket.”

Hackendorf has been worried about cell phone sizes increasing since the mid 2000’s. “At first it was ‘let’s see how small we can make these devices,’ which was great because we had so much pocket to work with. We could make small pockets for loose change, big pockets for people with big hands, we even could make pockets inside of pockets. Oh man, it was the life.” Hackendorf said with enthusiasm.

Then came the smart phone era. Hackendorf explained that the pocket bubble was bound to burst at some point. “Things were just too good for too long. We should have seen it coming. There were just so many pockets being made.”

“Suddenly cell phone companies weren’t trying to make small devices. Instead, they began to see how big they could make the screen! Needless to say we are in full blown panic mode,” Hackendorf recalled. ” With these new screen sizes we just don’t know where we can find enough pocket space. It’s not like we haven’t thought of ideas: We’ve wrestled with attaching a backpack directly to the pant, as well as making shirt-pant pocket combo, but nothing we’ve come up with has panned out.”

Hackendorf said he isn’t sure whether or not he wants anything to do with the future of pockets. “I know no one wants to hear  it, but cargo pants might have to come back for utilitarian purposes, and I will have nothing to do with that.”

The cargo pant, of course, marked a dark day in pocket-making history, when pocket makers became blind with power and began installing upwards of seven to eight pockets on the outside of shorts and pants. “Never again,” said Hackendorf. “Never again will I be a part of something that horrific.”

Hackendorf said he plans to look into the plastics industry or “another industry that people admire.”

Local Zoo Opens New Bad Parenting Exhibit

generic-john-ball-park-zoo-_20091007174832_320_240A local zoo today opened a brand new edition to their ever expanding park. The “Island of Bad Parenting,” is the newest attraction for zoo attendees.

“We can’t wait for people to see what we have in store for them this summer. We really outdid ourselves.” Said Zoo Director, Bill Schlansky.

The new addition features hordes of parents threatening to hit, starve, and lock their children in the basement “where they belong.”

We asked Schlansky how they came up with the idea for the exhibit and he responded, “As a theme park, it just made sense. We see horrible parents everyday walking/riding/hobbling around our zoo, and it just made sense. Now our patrons don’t have to wait quietly for upwards of 5 minutes on a park bench to see a tattooed father in a cutoff smack his kid in the back of the head while saying ‘QUIT!’ Instead, they can just come to our Island, and immediately see that kind of fathering that sends kids into a downward spiral from an early age.”

Schlansky told us that the park has everything you can think of including:

  • A 450 lb woman with 7 children on a leash
  • Parents feeding their infants with Coke products
  • A mother using a motorized scooter telling her kids to “slow the hell down or your not getting a ride home.”

kid on leashWhen asked about his favorite new exhibit, Schlansky said, “Oh man, it’s gotta be the one where you enter an incredibly hot and sticky room, and this kid comes out of nowhere and kicks you squarely in the groin, laughs, and runs back to his Mom, who hands her son a corn-dog and is none the wiser. It’s really our crown jewel in terms of audience immersion.”

Schlansky said on Saturdays at 2 they’re also going to have a special exhibit where 15 & 16 year old “camp counselors” lose total control of their children, and the whole group ends up crying and yelling. This exhibit will take place in the loudest part of the zoo.

Macy’s Clerk Wins “Slowest Person of The Year”

Annette Thatcher of Gary, Indiana just won the prestigious “Slowest Person of The Year” award. Thatcher who works as a clerk at Macy’s spends countless hours a day moving at a snails pace to check out customers.

“Sure, my customer lines start out as one or two people in the morning, but by midday I consistently have 8-12 people at my station, and most are complaining, ” said Thatcher.

Annette started her career as a normal paced person working at a diner, where, although she messed up countless orders, customers could expect at least some food on time. “I realized that working at a normal pace just wasn’t for me and I needed to really slow my life down, which is how I came to work at Macy’s,” said Thatcher.

Thatcher’s supervisor, Bill Magirt, said that he “had” to hire Annette. “She showed up late to her interview, which I thought just showed some real balls,” said Magirt. ” After two hours of her trying to get out seven sentences, we knew that she had that Macy’s inefficiency that we pride ourselves on.”

Macy's Clerk Wins Slowest Person of The Year“The thing that really sets Annette apart is she can trick people into thinking she will be the most talented clerk there, and just when she’s helped our customers find that Izod shirt that they saw online…Boom! She’s gives them at least three cash register screw ups, and then has the kahoona’s to ask if the customer wants a Macy’s card. She’s just a gem,” said Magirt.

When asked how she felt about winning the coveted “Slowest Person of The Year” award, Thatcher simply said, “I can’t find the…” and left us hanging for a good ten minutes until we decided to move on.

This is the 31st consecutive time a Macy’s clerk has won the “Slowest Person of The Year” award.

The Bachelorette 2014: Episode 1 Recap

andi dorfman


Source: Si.ibtimes.com

And they’re off! The Bachelorette 2014 is officially underway which means Chris Harrison is back with atrocious shirts, a lot of men will be crying in the near future, and someone will ultimately end up looking disappointed on the cover of People Magazine. This season stars Andi Dorfman as The Bachelorette. As far as I can tell, Andi spends her time in Atlanta as a broken fence inspector and a street graffiti judge. She then moonlights as a lawyer wherever she can find an empty courtroom. A little background on AD: She attended Wake Forest University Law School, passed the bar in 2012, and what does our girl Andi do with that seemingly expensive law degree? She throws it right into a brown box of of storage where it belongs. Why? Because she’s The Bachelorette betches!

After Andi  goes to her biannual family blue shirt party, we get to meet her sister where Andi delivers her first gem of the season saying, “I don’t know what I did for 25 guys to fly across the country and meet me.” Apparently the BAR must be a little easier in Atlanta…

The next few segments were spent on what seemed like 18 limos carrying the guys who will spend the next 6 weeks courting Andi. Here’s some quit slants on the arrivals: Marcus emerged first, and Andi went all Juan Pablo on this young piece of ace, saying, “he’s hot. Hot. Hotttt. He’s just…well done ABC.” Chris, the Midwestern, Iowa farm boy followed Marcus. I am just going to assume that Chris is going to be an overall nice guy  and everyone will love him, however Andi will instead go for a brooding bad boy with a sketchy past because she likes mysteries and broken fences. JJ, our first unemployed contestant followed Chris. Sorry did I say unemployed, I meant entrepreneur. Wait, sorry, I meant pantsapreneur, because that’s definitely a thing, in fact, I think The Wharton Business School just added that as a focus.

Our first token black guy emerged and he has a striking resemblance to comedian Hannibal Buress. Marquel is his name, and cookies are his game. I think the creators of Sesame Street were just given the gift of Cookie Monster’s origin story: Once he was just an ordinary man who loved cookies. Marquel then had his heart broken, turned into a furry blue creature, fiending after the only other thing that could satisfy his cold heart.

Bachelorette lamp

Source: ABC

Our first ambiguously gay contestant followed the Cookie Monster. Tasos is his actual name but I’m pretty sure I’m going to call him Chacos for the remainder of the season.

Resident douche in the house: He’s Cody y’all, and he pushed that limo all the way from popped-blazer-collar town. Skipping over Rudie aka funny-man attorney, the next contestant of note was long hair -urgent care physician Jason. Here’s to hoping he never goes into pediatrics because he has “arrest me” written all over him. I’m gonna skip to the guy who had the best opening line ever and should’ve just won the game. Emil approached Andi and goes, “Hi I’m Emil.” Andi leans in like she didn’t hear him and he goes, “It’s like anal but with an ‘M,'” like he’s been saying that on the first day of class for the better part of his life. Give that guys a medal. The rest of the contestants read: long hair don’t care, bball coach, pro golfer, pro baseball player, token black guy #2, another long haired contestant with a laugh that would harmonize with Seth Rogen’s,  and what’s this? A stalker outside the house.

The stalker was nothing more than a former contestant from Emily’s season. I can only speculate that the whole thing was a ploy to give Chris Harrison a medium to perform the best white-guy handshake/hug in the history of television.

Right off the bat a love story blossomed during the cocktail party. Yes, soul mates Andrew and Patrick really hit it off saying things like, “Me and Patrick, we’re kind of on a different level,” and “Ohh, you’re a Ferrari guy?” I can’t wait for their hot tub bro sesh, where they take off their pants and make out because “we’re just super comfortable with each other, and are both into Formula 1 racing.”

Post cocktail party and rose ceremony, Josh B had a nice angsty teen exit that came off like, “This sucks, I didn’t even wanna be here.” Followed by tears, which makes me think he cried a lot in gym class as a kid.

Here are the picks for our lavish group. The field is a lot more diverse with $90 in the pot, and the least amount of money someone would take home would be $22.50. A few people are also able to win the whole $90. Let the games begin.

Amanda – Nick V

Sam – JJ & Chris

Jon – Josh M & Chris

Caitlin – Josh M & Dylan

Dave: Chris & Marcus

Libby – Carl & Nick V

Anjali – Nick V & Andrew

Joey – Marquel & Marcus

Nick – Josh M

Sarah – Chris & Marcus

Field: 9/18

2014 Bachelorette Preview

The BacheloretteThe 2014 season of The Bachelorette is only hours away and I am just giddy with anticipation. While I think Andi Dorfman will provide some of the entertainment, the best part about The Bachelorette is seeing grown men cry in front of an audience of millions. So while I sit here at work, I can’t help but want to make a top 5 list of what I am looking forward to this season on the Bachelorette. Without further ado:

 

1. Watching grown — and often large — men cry

Obviously this is in the list because I just mentioned it. There is something deeply riveting about watching a seemingly machismo male lose his shit on television. James won the douche award on last year’s Bachelorette, after releasing the waterworks when Desiree called him out and consequently let him go.

2. The ambiguously gay contestant

It happens every year, one of these male contestant’s hobbies will include cooking pastries in his favorite apron, being best friends with his mother, and he will utter the phrase, “Oh my God, I’m like terrible at sports.” Points go to Drew from last season.

3. The guy who says “I’m falling in love with you” way too early.

I love this guy for so many reasons.  He either thinks he knows exactly how to play the game, or he catches feelings way too quick, and inevitably gets booted from the show for like the desperate ninny he is. A limo-cry will follow, while he (his name will probably be Rain or River let’s be honest) will say through his snotty nose and tears, “I just have such a big heart that no one ever appreciates.” River is so going to cry.

4. The “who let him on the show” contestant

Remember the one season with the guy who wore the mask for a few episodes, and everyone was like “whaaaa…?” That guy the “who let him on the show” contestent. He’s the guy who during the audition probably said something along the lines of “I have hundreds of friends. I build them out of plastic and they line my bed to protect me from the evil Zorne while I sleep.” The producers then realize they’ve stumbled on television gold.  With no regard to other people’s safety they put a potential serial killer in his perfect playhouse.

5. Boy dance party

What do a bunch of guys do when they’re crammed together in a house with a pool and a seemingly unlimited amount of alcohol. No they don’t get super aggressive, they take their shirts off and party! The Bachelorette man-fests make Schmitds Gay look like a documentary.

 

 

The Bachelor Season Recap

Week 1 Recap

We are officially in the thick of things as 4 people saw at least one of their girls go down last night — and not in the way that would’ve kept them on the show. Victoria aka The Brazilian Betch wasted no time in showing everyone the 5 stages of lunatic. Tom myself and Isaac all had Victoria on our roster and as Tom put it, “It was like watching your prized horse break it’s leg rounding the first turn.” I would like to do one better, and say it was like watching your prized horse guzzle a trough of vodka red bull, proceed to break its leg and then blame it on being Brazilian, seriously that girl sucks. With Victoria ending up being the slut in the bathroom, our first money winner came in the form of Nicholas P. Graves! Who won the first of many $1 side bets. Libby “Asterisk” Craig also lost Amy L last night, after Amy whipped out a pretend on air interview with Juan Pabs. Nice try Amy but maybe performing an articulate interview in front of a guy who can barely say the words, “Weel you cepdees ros” wasn’t the best strategy. Everyone else still has two dogs in the fight. In other news, we decided it would be fun to do $1 side bets before each episode so that when inevitably people lose both girls, there is still fun to be had. You don’t have to participate but if you’d like to, bring your $1s. See you all next week!

 

Week 2

n 3 years. Kientz’s Chelsie came through in the clutch, jumping off a bridge and having an upside down MO session, making everyone in the 614 proud, and making Elise look like a fool! A FOOL! Speaking of Elise, we made a nice discovery for those not able to attend. It comes in the form of a Google Video search for “Yule Log Hotties” (NSFW…kinda)– that’s not how I remember being taught about Christmas traditions in the first grade. After Juan Pablo told everyone to “take off your Peeyama’s, and get in the poo,” and everyone got perverted (in the Venezuelan sense) in their swim suits, the dreaded Rose Ceremony offered zero drama. Lucy “Is this an event where I need to wear clothes?” Free Spirit got voted off, and judging from the amounts of “she seemed liked a really nice girl…” it was to the surprise of no one. Then the shocker of the night came when Chrystal? Christy? Kristen? Tristen? got voted off, prompting a gasp of “BAWHAAA?!” Christy’s sign off was that she wasn’t as open as the other girls. Really Christy? You weren’t open? No… When even the producers — who can make dicing tomatoes seem as dramatic as a Tom Hanks movie — can’t even come up with a viable soundtrack to make you more interesting, it might be time for you to go. There was no side bet this episode, however once again, any and all suggestions are welcome. First girl to cry? In what segment will Juan Pablo’s shirt come off? What color is Chris Harrison’s douchy shirt going to be? See you all next Monday.
 
Week 3

What’s the smell!? Probably all those girls after they diarrhea’d out all that Seoul food. That’s right The Bachelor went to South Korea, and proved that he’s got Seoul but he’s not a Seouldier(?). To kick off the show, our wonderful draft picks were told that they were headed to Seoul, South Korea, to which they replied with giddy laughter, and tiny, 2 inch vertical jumps. To everyone’s surprise not one of the girls asked if it was safe for United Statesians to go there — these girls must be some serious academics.

After the long voyage in which Danielle didn’t stop talking the whole time — it’s like shut up Danielle, could you be quiet for just one second — the ladies landed in Seoul, however it seems as if during the touchdown Nikki landed violently on a pair of chopsticks that got lodged firmly in her keister.

The first group date card was wildly ambiguous, leaving all the girls to wonder, “‘Pop?’ whaaa?” Cassandra led the hypothesis charge saying, “Pop? Popcorn? It could maybe be popcorn.” She’s a real mystery… Much to Nikki’s chagrin, the group date saw the girls become backup dancers for the wildly POPular kPOP group, 21. As Juan Pablo said, “twuandee juan ees assbig ass dee Spice Girls,” and made sure to finish that sentence with “back in dee day.” He then had to explain to Cassandra that the Spice Girls were a British Pop Girl band back when she was in diapers.

Instead of joining in on the date, Nikki decided to host her very own pity party, to which Kat was not invited! I can’t imagine the embarrassment she felt when she found out she would be dancing at the prestigious location of a South Korean mall. Danielle couldn’t say enough about dancing with her favorite Korean, Kpop Band.

Juan Pablo showered for 20 seconds and then went on a date with Sharleen…that happened, and Danielle was very vocal about it.

The next group date featured karaoke and street meat — sounds like s Friday night AmIRight!? — and what can only be described as Hannah Mealer’s own personal hell: a tiny public foot tub, where a bunch of tiny foot fish nibble on all the parts of your feet. Kelly, the dog lover, had the one liner of the date, where she accused old Crazy Clare of swallowing “bigger things” than a morsel of Octopus. “Big words coming a girl without her stupid Molly by her side” said Danielle,

The group date ended with Juan Pablo saying he “deedn’t want to kees anuhder girl beecaus hees dawder might be watcheeng.” That is until he met Clare, whom he deemed to hot not to make out with. That’s right children — there’s a lesson here, always put your kids best interest first, unless a smoke show with an ass that won’t quit comes along, and then you say, “Forget you Camil…whatever your name is.”

The Rose Ceremony provided us with some nice side bet action, on the last girl to get a rose. We also saw the departure of Lauren “I made a big mistake” S and Elise “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” first grade teacher. “I knew we had chemistry,” said Danielle, as the ABC producers smiled and nodded.

The next week The Bachelor is off to Vietnam, which makes everyone wonder which war-torn country will they visit next? Do I smell a side bet? My money’s on Serbia.

Week 4

Oh-me-oh-my-oh it looks like Clare’s gone psycho. Juan Pablo and his band of merry ladies took their talents to Bee-eht-nahm, for the most dramatic episode of the season. Boy, did the producers do a good job of making Vietnam look like a hot vacation spot; with the stray dogs rummaging the streets, the serene, dirt brown river, and not to mention that old toothless water buffalo guide, grabbing ALL the girls, and then playing, “What?! I’m foreign, I no understand,” card, while grazing Kelly’s inner thy.

The episode started with a one-on-one date between Juan Pablo and Renee. Considering both of them are single parents, it was confusing when it felt like I was watching an 8th grade date. Between Juan driving a bicycle taxi, oogling Renee’s bust size, and Renee talking about kissing Juan the entire time and not following through, I didn’t know if I was watching the Bachelor, or a weird Spasian hybrid of Boy Meets World.

The group date was the real meat and potatoes of the show, with Clare providing both the ground beef and the spuds. After traveling down what looked like the Scioto after a hefty rain fall, in the most ergonomic water crafts ever, the group invaded a native Vietnamese home — thank goodness it’s not the 1960’s — where they went to work in the family’s garden. Cassandra provided some of her deep insight about the date saying, “We walk outside and see this garden and there’s a large garden!” Someone let her write a book.

As the night progressed, Juan clearly hit his hornball stage and let his inner sleezeball shine. He took Clare back to his suite where they got a little frisky in the pool. He then called Clare, “en llama” which I can only assume means, “I hope she comes over at 4 am tonight, so we can explore each other’s parts in the ocean.” The biggest highlight of the night however may have been that Diva Danielle said actual words, in an impromptu sentence, that the producers allowed to be on television.Shocking.

Crazy Clare apparently didn’t get enough of that sweet brown sugarcane, so she did what any “kooky” girl would do: wait until 4 am, put on a slutty bathing suit, and go rouse Juan from his slumber. JP took a bite out of what Clare was selling at 4 am and what followed was possibly the most unsubtle narration ever. We get it, Clare let Juan put his Churro in her pie hole in the deep brown sea. Clare even went so far as to say that it was like the birth of a baby giraffe?– He was clearly good enough to jar her brain loose.

The next date was a one-on-one with Nikki, where she and Juan went cave diving. Sorry Nikki, you weren’t the first girl in Vietnam to see Juan get inside a dark hole. Nikki panicked during the cave dive, which prompted her to say that she might poop her pants. Juan immediately got behind her for support. Who said chivalry was dead?

The cocktail party provided some added drama when Clare went all sorts of stage 5 clinger, after Juan Pablo tried to let her that the Venezuelan meat market was closed for business. Juan said, “For sample, I ave a dawdder, eh see, too me ees hard, beecus I don wanner to see what happen between us.” Clare then threw a nice 3rd grade tantrum, after losing her Latin toy. To no ones surprise, Kelly the dog lover, Alli, and, say it ain’t so, Danielle, were all not given a rose. Danielle held her head with pride, not shedding a single tear. She basically shrugged her shoulders, and said, “Ehhhh,” while walking to her limo. Atta girl Danielle, you chatty diva. With those three girls gone we now are guaranteed that at least one person will lose a girl each week from here on out. We also have a great side bet for next week, and it isn’t “What week will Clare realize she’s pregnant?” the side bet is “Who’s the girl that doesn’t come home from the one-on-one next week??” Let the madness continue!

Week 5

I blame the lateness of this post on Michigan, because…why the hell not.

Down goes Kat — and not on Jaun, ZING! That’s right, Monday’s episode featured our latest bachelorette to be removed from competition, and thus ends Tom’s reign of terror…but first let’s recap:

This week the girls and the man-hunk traveled to “Newsie Land.” A place like none other to find love: Newsie Land has romantic wild horses, rolling green hills, waterfalls…HOBBITTON! Holy Gandolf the Gray! Girls, get ready to drop your Elven pants cause this fantasy island just got dirty sexy. Nothing screams romance like tiny midgets with ape feet, running around sporting green capes. In all seriousness though New Seal Land is pretty cool, I have to agree with Juan on his apt observation that it has “rivers and mountains” and stuff — also don’t forget the Sulfur mines, where you can smell what it would be like to climb inside a rectum.

Andi got the first date card, in which she and Juan ventured to The Squeeze. The two hopped into the water and navigated a narrow rock formation. Thank goodness Andi was wearing a onesie, in order to get through that treacherous terrain. Andi and Juan made their way to a geyser-side dinner. However the meal was ruined by one of nature’s miracles. Seriously mother earth, the next time you decide to spray your filthy H2O all over the place, how bout a little forewarning. I mean really, is it that hard to pick up a phone? “Hey, I’ve had long day, I’m probably going to blow off a little steam…that might result in a light misting on your dinner date.” We’re trying to watch people eat here, not see a phenomena of the earth. Can she not get enough attention, who are you? Clare?!

The focal point of the group date was Cassandra, who undoubtedly became HIMYM’s “Oh Honey” of the show. Cassandra, after confiding in Renee, let everyone — except Juan — know that it was her birthday. Then, after a wild ride in a giant hamster ball, Cassandra reassured everyone, again, except the man who gives the points, that it was her birthday. Well Casssandra, Happy birthday to y..”Cassandra, can eyee tok to you, en sen you on ay 12 hour flieeght ‘ome.” In Cassandra’s defense, she really took the Danielle road and held her head high on her way out, never pulling the birthday card out of her back pocket. I still can’t wait for her that book she’s writing.

Clare received the final Juan-on-Juan date of the episode, where her and Juan shared a romantic picnic on a boulder covered river embankment. What in the hell Bachelor? You literally spent the opening of the show displaying how green News Eal Land is, and you chose to put a Picnic on a riverbed? Nothing screams, “Date night!” like that old game, “Guess What Kind of Rock Is In My Ass.” During the date, Juan and Clare talked about what happened during that kooky night in Vietnam, and Crazy Clare gave some eyes that said, “If you ever leave me, I’ll cut off your damn Venezuelan soccer playing legs, and use them on a life-size Foosball table.”

The Rose Ceremony followed Juan and Clare’s and low and behold it came down to Chelsie and Kat. What was bizarre about this was that both of them knew it was down to them. Chelsie came out the victor, as it was Kat who packed her bags and headed back across the Pacific and thus Tom, picking party girls, Victoria, and Kat, is officially out of the money.

Quick Hitters: Thanks Chelsie for representing Ohio so well by saying New Z Land, “Kind of reminds me of Ohio, but we don’t have hills.” – clearly she’s only ventured on that strip of i-70 W between Springfield and Vandalia, which is just gorgeous this time of year. How many Bachelor writers let out a sigh of relief when Sharleen turned out to be a Lord of The Rings super fan. I mean she went so far as to say, “This is F$*# cool.” If Juan wants a roadmap to Sharleen’s heart you better believe it has Spiderman wielding a lightsaber, driving the Batmobile, all the while, playing an intense game of Stratego with Stan Lee. The funniest Pablism — as I’m referring to them now — came during the credits when Juan started an impromptu “New Sea Land Snowball Fight” AKA throwing sheep poo at girls: “Oo ever steps in dee most poops weens!” Apparently it’s okay when a Venezuelan starts chucking sheep poo around. God that guy is a smooth operator.

Next week the girls travel to the exotic location of…Miami? Budgetcutssaywhat?

Week 6

 

What’s that I hear on the breeze? Is it Juan Pablo whispering sweet broken English in a girls ear, or perhaps it’s a feline fight between Clare and Nikki? NO! It’s Sarah and Sam’s odds of wining decreasing by 50%. Put that in Juan Pablo’s shorts and smoke it…what?

The episode stayed with the theme of countries that have been through horrific civil wars, and put the girls in gorgeous Miami, Florida (I reached, so what). Juan surprised his daughter by showing up at his parents house where Juan hung by the pool, and talked with his cousin named Radolfo, Rolofo, or RollOver. I’m not entirely sure.

Whatever his name, RollOver provided some snazzy, unscripted dialogue with Juan Pablo, while showing off those pearly white, adult braced teeth. Nothing like a cousin who you “talk to every day,” and are “incredibly close” with, but there is no way in hell you’d ever let come out on the town with you.

Meanwhile back at the outrageous hotel, the girls got a gift from the producers: skimpy bathing suits. That’s right ladies, we need more sex appeal than just prude Clare, boning out in the ocean.

Juan wasted no time delivering the first date card. Different from previous dates, no rose would be given, but rather the girl on the date would have a longer time to have spend with Sweat Box McGooch (check the Quick Hitters).

Charleen was handed the date card, and then asked, “What? You want me to read it?” Thank heavens she dates intellectuals, otherwise what would she do with all of her mail? The date had Charleen and JP take a very large boat — but not the biggest boat! — to a small private island. Charleen had been having trepidation about the date from the beginning, wanting more of a “cerebral connection,” than just that hot bod. It was a make or break date for the Manic Hispanic, and what does my boy Juan do? He busts out some rhetoric about the duality of man, and how maybe we’re all just metaphysical shadow’s dancing on a wall…wait….No, Juan instead, dropped the newest Pablism: “I Lieek duh wers(words) you use. I am learneeng.” And thus, the proverbial nail was slammed in the coffin. However Sharleen didn’t let her disappointment stop her from getting some of that Latino Jalapeno in the ocean. Look out Clare.

Nikki was the next to receive a date card from Juan, and boy was it good. I would like to think that Juan had to pitch this date to the producers: “Peecture dis guyees: I take Neekki to my dawders reecital, where Camila’s mother weel also be.” The producers then give him two thumbs up, and walk away saying to each other, “Wow I was going to suggest another boat date.” “Yeah, I was going to say ‘private island.'”

What followed was a bizarre ordeal, especially when you factor in the fact that a film crew for a smutty show –albeit, the best smutty show — came in and started filming a young girls dance recital in front of all their parents. And then blah blah blah Nikki said some stuff and made out with Juan, and then the date ended.

Meanwhile back at the overpriced hotel room…Sharleen let the girls know that she was leaving, to which Clare responded, “Wait so you’re telling us, and then you’re going to tell him?” Sharleen responded in the affirmative, and Clare’s crazy eyes said, “Good! Verbal contracts are binding in Miami-Dade county!”

Sharleen made her way to Juan Pablo’s room and let him know that she was leaving. She almost ended a sentence with a preposition, which would’ve made her whole, “I’m a smarty, Juan’s a dumby” argument null and void, but alas, a comma saved the day. After Sharleen left, Juan offered up an old Venezuelan proverb, “I’d radder be honest en not appreciated, den not honest, and appreciated.” Where was that knowledge on the boat with Sharleen, Juan?! How bout you drop that bomb when it counts, instead of pointing and saying “Moon. Stars.”

The group date offered a uniquely original idea, having the girls arrive on the private island by plane instead of by boat. Andi was the recipient of the rose, and also of Death-Glare-Clare’s crazy eyes.

All of the other girls went back to the hotel, to let Andi and Juan share an awkward dance, and Clare and Nikki squared off in what can only be described as the most confusing argument ever:
“Leave my room.”
“This is not your room! Did you pay for it?”
“No, did you?”
“No.”
“So it’s just open space then?”
…..

Well I’m glad they can agree on something.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony provided nothing of real interest except for what felt like 10 minutes of silence when Clare and Nikki had to be in the same area by themselves. Chelsie ultimately had to take a plane back to Cosi, which wasn’t all that surprising, as she didn’t have that one quality Juan was looking for in a girl: a real firm…personality.

Quick Hitters: What in the world is wrong with Sharleen? The whole time she was saying, “I have the best time with Juan Pablo. Everything is easy, it just feels right/I can’t stop kissing him,” while also dropping that “I rarely let myself feel happy.” Holy therapist Batman!…Speaking of therapy, if Renee’s real estate career fails, she clearly has a career in counseling. At this point I’m wondering if the girls think that The Bachelor hired a Social Worker to deal with all of their issues…What in the world do they put in the water in Miami to make it pass through Juan Pablo’s pours like a sieve? His shirt went from damp, to wet, to Robin Williams under a heat lamp.

Next week looks to build on the drama hashed out in Miami. Prediction: Andi’s unpredictable southern Dad utters the words, “I don’t “Juan’t” my daughter dating some hanky panky Spanish fairy!” Clare throws a nice 4 year, toy store old tantrum, and audience members nationwide have the “Does agreeing to go into the Fantasy Suite count as consent?” debate.

Week 7

Hometowns! Hometowns! Hometowns! We’ve made to the point in the show where we take a break from exotic islands, cavernous landscapes and South Beach, to visit the people responsible for raising our whacky contestants.

To begin, the producers of this episode LOVED shots of animals to really set the scene of each specific hometown. Naturally, Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, began with a shot of cows roaming a crowded feed farm. Thank you Bachelor — those west coasters really needed more assurance that cows define us simple folk in the midwest. Nikki and Juan took off to explore what makes Kansas City the greatest city in Missouri. Nikki decided to wow Juan’s tastebuds with some traditional Kansas City BBQ, followed by a ride on a mechanical bull. Yes, Kansas City — which can be found on the same latitudinal line as staple southern cities like Cincinnati and Washington D.C. — was made to look like the original home of the Cowboy cattle rancher. After the “date,” the duo went on their way to Neekee’s home. Juan made his rounds through Nikki’s family until he encountered her father…The Most Boring Man in The World — He once had a 40 minute conversation about Cashews, with himself. His New Years Eve party occurs at 8 O’Clock post meridiem and you can bet you’ll be home no later than 9:30. He once had a date at H&R Block, he is…The Most Boring Man in The World. — In all seriousness though, Nikki’s Dad was really nice, and I have no idea how he raised such a cat-clawed daughter (unless he’s not her father, take a look at the left hand folks!).

Next on the hometown docket was “Goosetown.” If you don’t know that reference, you’re not alone, because Atlanta has never been called “Goosetown” since it’s inception. That didn’t stop the Bachelor producers from starting this hometown date with a shot of Geese frolicking about in a nice, green park in the middle of Hotlanta. Andi chose not to take her man to a BBQ diner, and instead took Juan Pabs to a gun range. Andi fired off a bulls eye first shot and basically made Juan look like a little ninny boy. Juan did not earn the nickname “Hispanic Mechanic,” as it took him a 4-5 shots to actually hit the target. The producers didn’t help Juan’s appearance either when they juxtaposed Juan shooting what looked like a tiny little water pistol, while Andi unloaded a semi-automatic boom-stick right next to him.

As they made their way into Andi’s home, the audience found out that Andi’s Dad’s name is Hy (pronounced Hi). I have no Hydea why there wasn’t a super awkward exchange that involved a back and forth confusing exchange of “Hy’s” and “hello’s” . Anywho, Juan and Andi told Andi’s parent the story of how their love had unfolded, and nothing sounds more stupid than explaining just exactly how The Bachelor works to your parents, and then explaining that you’re ready for a marriage commitment. It’s kind of like telling your parents that you’re packing up and moving to North Korea, because it’s the land of opportunity. Andi’s parents provided a spectrum of emotion. Andi’s mother Patty(?) wanted to take Jaun out back and have herself a little salsa snack, while Hy, after pouring himself a stiff glass of scotch, made Juan Pablo so nervous, he looked like Rick Moranis the first time he shrunk the kids. I’m not even going to include a Pablism, because the whole exchange between Juan and Hy (never in my life did I ever think those two names would appear together) left everyone saying, “Wha deh ee jus sayee?”

Pelicans can only mean one thing. We’re in Florida!!! Renee and Juan met in a park where Renee’s son joined them. There was literally nothing that can be said about this hometown. Renee’s family was cool. They watched Renee’s son, Ben, who is a pitcher, play baseball, where he had a double play. Renee’s dad was neat. She seems like a great Mom. I literally have nothing, other than Juan Pablo looked like a latin drug dealer the first time he met Renee’s son in the park. Renee deserves better.

Clare however was a different story. First, bee’s and squirrels obviously represent Sacramento, California. The producers wanted to go with birds and bees, because of the intense ocean heat, but instead went with Squirrel’s and bees, because squirrels love nuts. Clare wasted no time in reminding us of her brain power: “I brought Juan Pablo to the pask of roses. This is really significant to me because…it’s a park, and I spent a lot of my childhood in parks.” Yeah, me too lady, but you don’t see me reminiscing about Goodale park while “Crazy Gary” plays with himself in a bush next to the Gazebo. As Juan and Crazy Clare made their way to Clare’s home, Juan found out that Clare was one of six sisters. He finally could breathe easy as he had no masculine father to deal with and could let his inner Latin lover shine. As we were introduced to Clare’s family it was immediately noted that Clare’s mother and father propagated children in at least the 1960’s 70’s and 80’s and possibly, as we were introduced to Large Laura (Lara?) the 1950’s. Large Laura is nicknamed as such because of her larger than life personality, that couldn’t be handled by just one camera. Laura had that classic “James Bond Villain” archetype — She had a dog that she stroked incessantly, a deep desire to take control of the family from their “Mama,” and was enjoyed lurking in the shadows for no apparent reason. I think we found the reason that Clare has a case of the crazies.

The rose ceremony offered nothing! Renee went home, and no one in our betting pool lost a lady. Juan Pablo has clearly perfected the lower lip quiver. Seriously, how do you got from, “Oh wow, you girls look gray!” to crying your beady little, Tropic of Cancer eyes out. Renee went home, but tomorrow it looks like the Fantasy Suite dates go horribly ary, which begs the question, “Syphilis or Micro-penis?”

Quick Hitters from the 2nd night: It wasn’t a micro-penis at all! Instead Andi didn’t like Juan’s “into himself” attitude, name dropping, and apparently hates the word, “okay.” Easily the funniest part of the episode and possibly the season, was when Juan Pablo thought he had Andi cornered in their argument, asking her, “Wha Reeligion am I?” Got her! Except he didn’t. Andi fired back immediately, “Catholic.” Boom! Lawyered! Juan’s face of defeat could not have been more priceless. I have no doubt that Juan is the raging douche he plays on the show, but I think Andi may have cost herself a spot on The Bachelorette with that performance especially the, “Are my standards just too high?” comment. I wonder if she can see Savannah up there on her high horse? With Andi going down, Emily, Sarah, Alex, Hannah, Joey and Caitlin all lost girls last night. With next week being the Women Tell All.

Week 8 (Finale)

As the saying goes, “All good things must come to a fiery train wreck of an ending that leaves everyone uncomfortable”…or something to that effect. Yes, The Bachelor ended last night in the most “ehhh?” way possible. Tears were shed, audience members invaded the left corner of televisions, and Juan Pablo made a perfect ass of himself. Before we get to the recap, congrats to Emily (birthday girl!), Caitlin, Sam, Nick, and Jesse, as they were the recipients of $22 dollars for picking Neekki. I hope you’re happy, ya hyenas.

The first part of the show had Crazy Eyes Clare, and Big Ideas Nikki each meeting Juan Pablo’s family in Saint Lucia. Juan came to meet his family carrying…TWO CHILDREN!? Who’s this second dawdder you’ve been hiding Juan!? You Latin son of a bi…oh it’s your niece. Clare showed her immediate knack for children when she requested a handshake from a 5-year-old. She also showed off her brainy side when she said that she was the only one of her massive, anti-birth control family to not speak Spanish. Way to get bicultural meeting off on the right foot.

Part of me thinks the next True Detective series should be about two grizzled cops finding clues as to what in the hell Juan Pablo did to make his mother so passive aggressive toward her son.

Here’s a little bullet point of Juan’s mother to both Nikki and Clare
– He’s rude
– He makes me cry
– He will wake up and watch TV all day
– He is simple
– I am “pretty sure” he is ready for marriage
– He’s not easy
– I LIKE RODRIGO MORE!

Real 5 star rating of your son there Mom.

Pablism came when Mother Galavis told Clare, “Ee’s eeperacteeve…super eeperacteeve.” Clare’s face made me think that she was saying to herself, “Hmmm ‘eeperacteeve?’ I’m gonna have to look up what that means wh.”

ADULT BRACES IS BACK WITH A VENGENCE. Rodolfo is here and he’s not gonna take some BS from some mamby pamby bachlorettes. He’s here to ask tough questions and look nervous doing it. He is…Rodolfo.

The father played the “genuine guy” card, and we found out Juan has a brother Rodrigo who would be great for former bachelorette, Danielle.

Clare’s final takaway was that she knew Juan was “raised right.” Whoops.

It was then Nikki’s turn to meet the family and she received the hardest question from Juan’s mother when she was asked, “Ow is dee Iceland?” She clearly has been around Juan Pabs enough to know how to answer a question phrased in horridly broken English, as she didn’t even stumble. Nikki responded saying that the weather was hot — something that anyone would know if they just observed Juan’s shirt.

RODOLFO IS BACK AGAIN BETCHES! Here to ask the questions no one will ask — “How are you with fighting, because relationships have that…I think.” It’s Rodolfo! He’s here to say that Latino’s are perverted, wait sorry, “passionate as hell.” Rodolfo!

Rodrigo also really laid the verbal lumber saying, “Nikki’s a good choice, and Clare is a good choice also.” Someone call the presses because Rodrigo just landed a hard left hook.

Chris Harrison vetted the audience to which the only thing of note was a man who was coaxed into standing up and talking. Well done sir. You hold your head high. Then Chris took his talents to a slew of previous Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, most of whom had no business being there – but it made for some great awkward tension. Throwback: I can only imagine what Chris (from Desiree’s season) was thinking seated two people down from Brooks, the man who Des said she would’ve picked had he not left on his own accord. I bet he had some classic Chris poetry floating around in his head. Duh-ram-uh.

Clare’s one-on-one proved to be ridiculous as Juan let a panty dropper fly in the helicopter. Because I know some mothers read this, I will replace the expletive, with the phrase “lobster fishing.” As Juan and Clare helicoptered to a romantic cliff in Saint Lucia, Juan leans over and says, “I don’t know you, but I loved Lobster Fishing (with) you.” To which Crazy Clare was none too pleased. If you don’t want Juan to talk about lobster fishing with you, than don’t go lobster fishing late at night in the ocean. For starters, it’s dangerous with the sharks and the general cleanliness of the ocean, and also you know this guy is a hornball, so for him to tell you he “loved lobster fishing,” it might be the highest compliment the Latino Bambino is capable of paying.

Clare almost achieved some sweet redemption by confronting JP about the lobster fishing comment, and really had him on the ropes, until Juan whipped out a second trick in his bag – and it wasn’t his lobster fishing spear. He pulled out his iPhone and played that god awful song by that god awful singer that The Bachelor shelled out tens of twenties of dollars to get to sing during Juan and Clare’s first date. The fact that the audience had to bear that song a second time…Juan really is a mother lobster fisher.

Neekki and Juan’s date was super boring. The whole time was spent manufacturing drama around whether Juan would say, “I love you.” Spoiler alert: he didn’t.

The next day Clare made her march of death down to see Juan Pablo where she told him, most importantly, that she believes in him. Whoops! Juan apparently likes Nikki’s ideas more than Clare’s. She actually held her own, and drew some audience applause, especially when she said, “ What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.” BOOM Clare! Grab the SPF 90 and call the ICU nurse because Juan just got burned!

Nikki then made her way to Juan where he gave her a rose, and they decided to date resulting in the least climactic ending possible. “BOO!” I imagined thousands of Americans saying while finishing their wine.

Quick Hitters: I pity the sound guy that had to mix that stupid song on Juans iPhone with the actual music and then back to the iPhone and back to the music…and then back to the iPhone. For a few minutes I thought Shawn and Juan (rhyme much?) were going to throw down over differing “bachelor ideologies.” Incredibly, Chris Harrison came off as more of a douche than Juan when he tried to go all “To Catch a Latino Predator,” and get Juan to say he loved Nikki. Andi is the next Bachelorette! Good for her, I love a good lawyer who doesn’t learn a thing from their mistakes.

And with that the season is in the books. It’s wild to think that this all stemmed from our “crazy Clare” idea to gamble on peoples happiness. I hope everyone had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. Here’s hoping that Andi provides as much entertainment as Juan, “Eenglish ees nah myee firs lanwidge” Pablo.