Alabama Police Issue Statement in Tasing of Teenage Girl

Alabama TaserRainbow City, ALABAMA — Alabama Police today issued a statement regarding the use of a taser on a teenage girl who was having a seizure at a concert. The Rainbow City police department officers that allegedly tased the teenage girl three times, said they had never seen a seizure before.

One of the officers involved, Chad Barnes said, “When that girl started seizing and convulsing, I thought the devil had taken ahold of her. After all, she was at a rap concert. I thought I had no choice but to zap the demons out of her.”

The admission of gross misconduct was generally repeated throughout the department.

“Ain’t nothin’ scarier than a teenage girl with the devil inside of her. I don’t know if you all have seen that Emily Rose movie, but heck, that gave me nightmares for months. I don’t know what a ‘seizure’ is, but I knew I was scared, and when I get scared, I use my taser until I feel safe, regardless of the situation.” said Officer Buck Williams, another officer who used his taser on the teenage girl.

While many still don’t understand why five officers were used to restrain the young, unconscious girl, even more puzzling was the use of a taser on the girl’s mother who came in her pajamas to collect her daughter.

“If my momma taught me anything , it’s never trust a woman in pajama pants,” said Bill Williams, the officer involved in the tasing of the mother. “At that point I was so hopped up on adrenalin from tasing people, I would have tased my own wife. I just love using my taser! Sometimes the boys at the precinct and I just tase each other until one of us craps our pants. We call it ‘The Electric Slide.’”

The Rainbow City Chief of Police could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy covering his face and shaking his head in disbelief.

Nestle Issues “Explanation” Following Massive Boycott

Nestle Boycott Glendale, California — After thousands of people have begun boycotting Nestle products, the company has issued a press conference explaining many of their “questionable” business practices, including the distribution of Magi Noodles containing lead, buying water rights in drought stricken areas, and possibly using forced labor to gather cocoa for chocolate.

“Look, we’re ‘sorry’ about some of our questionable business ethics,” said PR spokesman, Mark Williams. “Last time I checked though, people we’re eating our Magi Noodles like they were crack…not that we put crack in our noodles, they only have lead, and just enough to cause abdominal pain and possible hearing loss.”

Williams then addressed the bottling of water from drought stricken areas.

“We at Nestle aren’t trying to negatively affect areas around the world. It just happens when we take massive amounts of water from areas. It’s not our fault it doesn’t ‘rain,’ and that we’ve ‘sucked aquifers dry.’ We’re just trying to get water from third world countries into developed countries, that probably don’t really need it.”

Williams then began speaking in circles, “Are we a good company? Are we bad? Who’s to say, but water, noodles and T.V. dinners! Am I right!? Who’s with me?!”

After attempting to start a “Nestle” chant and failing, Williams then addressed the use of forced labor.

“You know, Nestle also ‘forces’ people to live in places like Fort Wayne and Fremont, and I don’t see anyone complaining about that. Do we provide wages to workers in other nations? Well that’s debatable, but at least those people get to work outside in the fresh air, and are able to sometimes drink some fresh water – that is, if we haven’t bottled it and sold it to the fine people of Southern California.”

After boo’s rained down on Williams, he tried to calm the crowd by exclaiming, “Free Wonka Bars for everyone!” throwing dozens of Wonka bars into the crowd. After one hit a teenage girl in the face, Williams chuckled and said, “Well I guess that’s just another black eye for Nestle.”

Following Game of Thrones Season Finale, Dad Overuses “Spoiler Alert”

spoiler alertTopeka, Kansas — Following the season 5 finale of Game of Thrones, Brian Ward, husband and father of three, has begun liberally using the phrase “spoiler alert” in his everyday life, and, in just two days, it has become a major burden on his family.

“He didn’t know what it meant until he started reading online Game of Thrones forums. Now it’s gotten well out of hand,” said Ward’s 17-year-old son, Jake. “He thinks if he says ‘spoiler alert,’ before he does something atrocious, it makes everything okay.”

Jake said his father’s mental state started deteriorating after the infamous “Red Wedding” from the third season and has been declining ever since.

“Last night he told me, ‘Guess who my favorite child is. Spoiler alert! Your sister,’” said Jake.

Jake said that his father has begun using “spoiler alert” so often that the family is constantly on edge.

Jake gave us some more examples ranging from, “Guess how old the milk is that your drinking. Spoiler alert! 3 months!” “Guess who’s having sex with your Mother tonight. Spoiler alert! Me!” and “Guess who fell in the shower and is now in the hospital. Spoiler alert! Nana!”

“It’s really awful,” said Jake. “We’ve tried to get him to stop but he keeps saying, ‘if George R.R. Martin can kill off all of my favorite characters, then, spoiler alert! I’m not stopping,’ and honestly, I can’t really argue with that.”

“Dad-Bod” Once Again to be Called “Fat”

Dad bodNew York City, New York — The “dad-bod” obsession has come to an abrupt end after society had a collective, “what were we thinking” moment this past weekend. As soon as summer hit and men everywhere began removing their shirts to reveal hairy, sweaty chests, people began imploring those with dad-bod to kindly put their shirts back on.

College student, Craig Newlin is taking credit for making “dad-bod” a part of mainstream society.

“I don’t know how people bought the whole dad-bod thing,” said Newlin. “I mean I remember being super drunk, taking off my shirt and shouting, ‘I have dad-bod! I have dad-bod!’ and then all my fraternity brothers started joining in. It’s not something I’m proud of, but am I going to stop drinking beer? Yeah freaking right.”

Apparently, upon witnessing the event, a bunch of sorority girls went home and were convinced that dad bod was a new trend. Within hours, a Buzzfeed “listicle” was published, which apparently, an entire nation of people momentarily agreed with.

“Look at me,” said Newlin. “I’m nothing special. I don’t workout, and I think running is for people who want to put their bodies in constant discomfort for 30-45 minutes. I have the type of body that says, ‘Yeah, he could live to be 65, but do you really want to put money on it?’ If that’s what girls are into then I guess it’s a good time to be Craig Newlin.”

One of Newlin’s fraternity brothers, Jack Stromp, has been upset about the dad-bod craze since it’s inception.

“Are you kidding me? Craig is now the poster child of ‘what women want.’ Well that’s great, I guess I should have been binge drinking, and eating fried chicken for the past three years. Forget the hours I put in at the gym. My God, I once saw Craig eat a whole pizza with cream cheese on it and that was after dipping it Papa Johns Garlic sauce. I’m just glad it’s over.”

 

McDonalds to Offer New Kiosk-Style Ordering

McDonalds KioskOak Broak, Illinois — McDonalds announced today that it would start featuring a new kiosk ordering system that will allow customers to use a touch screen to place their fast food orders. Spokesperson, Ben Lillard, has said customers should not fear the change, as McDonalds promises to still rarely get an order right, and that the machine will be just as unprofessional as its regular employees.

“We’re really excited about our new kiosk ordering system,” said Lillard. “We know that the change will make some of our customers a little uneasy at first, but rest assured, McDonalds has a system in place to make it feel just like a broken home.”

Lillard has said the new Kiosk will have a feature where it mutters softly, “do you want fries with that?” and when you ask it to repeat itself, it will loudly shout at you in a derogatory tone, “I SAID, YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT!?” making you feel like an idiot for not hearing it the first time, while simultaneously ruining the rest of your day.

“We also know our customers have become accustomed to a certain type of McDonalds service, one where if they order a cheeseburger with no pickles, rest assured they will get a patty with nothing but a bun and pickles. We don’t intend for these new kiosks to change a thing about how we do business.”

Lillard also said the new kiosks will occasionally lose orders altogether, causing customers to wait for upwards of 30 minutes, only to find out their order never was taken in the first place.

The new McDonalds kiosks will first take effect in airports.

“We felt that we should introduce our new kiosks into the most dysfunctional McDonalds first, so we know for a fact that we are not losing our incredibly low-end customer service that people crave.”

Iran to US: Let’s See What Else They’ll Give Us

Ali KhameneiWashington D.C. — In the wake of a new nuclear deal for Iran, Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, has decided to see what else the United States is willing to grant his nation.

“They said ‘yes’ to nuclear weapons!” Began Khamenei, “That was like when a teenage girl asks for a new car for her birthday, with the hopes that she might be given $200 and a new pair of shoes. But they said yes!”

Clearly excited, Ali Khamenei said he wants to see what else President Obama is willing to give him.

“I feel like I just found out after 20 years that my Dad was a secret billionaire, and now will buy me whatever I want. Hey Mr. President, how about some of those brand new F22- Raptors? I promise I won’t use them, we just want to Iran to have them, you know to look at, because they’re so ‘pretty,'” said Ali Khamenei, making his best impression of puppy-dog eyes.

Ali Khamenei then expanded his requests from military devices to pop culture icons, “Maybe you should just let us have Jennifer Lawrence. I’ve always liked her, I’m a big fan of The Hunger Games, and would love to have her act out the final movie, playing all the parts. And while you’re at it, throw in Kevin Hart, that tiny man makes me laugh.”

Finally Ali Khamenei asked for a Walmart to be placed in the capital city of Tehran.

“You think I like hopping from store to store getting groceries, clothing, and weapons? Not at all. I want a Walmart Super Center where I can buy some Frito Tiny-Twists, and then hop over to the clothing section, pick up a shirt that says, “quit staring!” and then go buy 4-5 rifles, and maybe a fishing rod.” Ali Khamenei paused briefly and burst out laughing, “Haha, no, there’s no fishing in Iran, I would buy another gun.”

Jesus to have Indiana turn the other cheek, “so I can slap the hell out of it”

Jesus IndianaThe Kingdom of God — In a statement of biblical proportions today, Jesus, Son of God, has said he has had just about enough of Indiana’s new “religious freedom” legislature, and would hope that Indiana governor, Mike Pence, would listen to his plea.

“Indiana, what in my Dad’s name is going on with you,” began the King of the Jews. “You’re claiming ‘religious freedom’ as a way to discriminate against fellow human beings? What’s next? Making it illegal for bi-racial couples to dine out? You don’t see the Jews establishing new legislature making it illegal to have restaurants that serve pulled pork. Come on Hoosiers, you’re better than this!”

The Son of Man continued, “Maybe you all didn’t understand the parts of the Bible where I went out of my way to find the lepers and other outcasted peoples to be with them. I’m talking about spending My time with the real scum of the earth, and you can’t even bring yourself to bake a sugary good for a fellow member of society? What’s your deal?”

The Lamb of God went on to drop more truth bombs, “Look, the Bible was written thousands of years ago, and yeah, there’s a lot of good stuff in it. But I can tell you for Dad damn sure that you people are not following every rule in that massive text. For starters, it outlines where and how you are supposed to poop. I mean, if you all aren’t carrying a spade with you at all times and burying your excrement, then really, what moral high ground do you have to stand on?”

“Let’s pull your head out of your metaphorical behind Indiana. It’s 2015, not the 1400’s. People don’t stone people to death anymore, the witch hunts are over. And if you’re using My name to hault social progress then you better believe I’m gonna come down there and go all 33 A.D. on some people. Use that 21st century brain-power and stop acting like tiny children.”

Jesus then ascended on a cloud while shaking his head muttering the word “morons” over and over again.

 

Rabbi Deems Long-Lasting Contact Lenses Miraculous

Rabbi Contact lensesNew York, New York — Rabbi Yosef Hayim today announced that he would like to a create a new book in the Torah mirroring the Hanukkah miracle, except instead of oil lasting for eight nights, his new book would be all about his 2-week long contact lenses lasting two months.

“Isn’t that a miracle!?” Said Rabbi Hayim emphatically. “These bad boys were supposed to last me two weeks, and yeah sometimes I stretch them out for another week or so, but I have had these things for two whole months with no sign of deterioration.”

Rabbi Hayim was so profoundly blown away by his contact lenses that he began writing a book he hopes to have approved for an addition to the Torah.

“Look, that book is old, and hasn’t been updated in a long time. It’s time we got a modern story in there, and I honestly can’t think of a better story than these miraculous contact lenses!”

Rabbi Hayim has decided that December 20th — the day he opened his contact lenses — will serve as the official day for his new Jewish holiday.

“I realize that my new holiday might interfere with Hanukkah, but I don’t see why, while we’re having the Festival of Lights, we can’t also have a Festival of Sight! Oy vey! I just came up with that, I’m going to have to write that down.”

Rabbi Hayim has stated that he hopes his new holiday is celebrated by people giving gifts like eyeglasses, sunglasses, Opti-free contact solution, Binoculars along with any other object that might have an ocular use.

“Let’s not forget about collideascopes. Those things freak me out!”

D-bag Friend Won’t Stop Talking About His Samsung, Galaxy

Dbag Samsung GalaxyBoston, Massachusetts — This past year, Gary Harper decided to switch from his iPhone 5 to a Samsung Galaxy, stating that he “just wanted to try something new.” According to his friends, Harper will not stop talking about his Samsung Galaxy.

“The dude will not shut up about his Galaxy,” said one of Harper’s friends, Michael Anderson. “He’s had it for a month and anytime he has to do anything on his phone, he first verbally prefaces what he’s about to do, by saying, ‘well let me just get out my Samsung Galaxy.’ He’s driving everyone insane.”

Apparently, Harper’s friends have gotten to the point where they have stopped inviting him places because they hate hearing about his Galaxy.

“Gary is out of hand,” said ex-girlfriend, Kelly Lattimore. “We had a great relationship until that damn phone came into his life. Suddenly he acted like he was so much better than everyone. He even criticized my Mom’s cooking. He told her that she, ‘must have gotten that recipe from an iPhone.’ She didn’t. She got it from my late grandma.”

Harper has even stooped so low as to start calling Siri a slut and berating his friends for using such a gutter-trash voice operating system, stating that “At least Cortana doesn’t her open legs for anyone who asks.”

“We get it,” said Anderson, “He thinks his phone is functional, and he likes it a lot. But you should see Gary when we have a group iMessage. He always asks us to switch to ‘WhatsApp’ if we’re going to group chat, and it’s like, Gary, no!”

We asked Harper about his Samsung Galaxy obsession, and he responded by saying, “Oh yeah, my friends are all iPhone users and they don’t know what they’re missing, I mean look at this.”

Harper then tried to show us his phone, but an error message appeared on the screen, followed by a blue screen and then his phone shut off. Harper then quietly swore, and said, “Every damn time…”

Girl with no body criticized for taking too many selfies

girl with no body selfieAmanda Moore was born without arms, legs, or a torso. While her life has been a struggle, Amanda likes to think she’s made the best out of her medical condition. Last year, Amanda decided to join the popular dating app, Tinder.

“I thought it would be fun,” said the torsoless, Amanda. “All of my friends were joining, and I thought I might meet the man of my dreams, who might have an affinity for bodiless people. So I had my friends take a few quick photos and I joined.”

Amanda thought wrong. Instead of finding the man of her dreams, she was berated for only taking selfies.

“People got mad when they couldn’t see the rest of my body, like I was trying to trick them or something, but the thing is, I don’t have a body. If I did, I would take pictures of me doing things other people with bodies like to do; you know, running, walking, using my hands to eat various food items, or even high-fiving a friend.”

Many of Amanda’s Tinder “matches” said they thought her face was pretty, but were skeptical when she wouldn’t show the any other body part.

One male subscriber said, “She looked really cute, so I asked for a photo of her doing something fun, and she said she couldn’t because she ‘didn’t have a body.’ I was like ‘shit girl, that’s fine, you don’t have to be a model or anything, just show me what you like to do.’ But she just kept sayin’, ‘I don’t have a body, I don’t have a body.’ That’s when I unmatched her.”

Amanda said she’s surprised that most people don’t understand her predicament because she plainly states in her bio that she is “just a girl with no legs, no arms and no torso, looking to have a good time.”

“People think I’m joking, or that I’m some girl with a witty sense of humor, but I’m just describing my life.”

Amanda has since deleted Tinder and joined Christian Mingle stating, “There are all kinds of people on there looking for a human head.”